Content

Wow, maybe it isn't a fluke. I've been able to hold on to this happy mood for almost a week now. Without the mood booster pills I had been taking. I started taking 5htp a few months ago to help stabilize my mood. It actually helped, quite a bit, in several areas of my life and different forms of stress. But I forgot to take it with me when we went on our anniversary trip a few weeks ago. When we got home, I decided to stay off of it for a little while and see how I do.

Than a week later, I had that news that thrilled me.

Now 2 weeks later, I still haven't taken any 5htp.

I wish I could find more inspiration for this blog. But I only seem to need it when I am feeling blue and depressed. Which bothers me, because I don't want this blog to be a negative type of blog. I want it to show that there is strength and healing after dealing with the darkness of infertility. I want it to show that life does go on.

Last week, I got to hold a new born. It was heaven. And the best part was, it didn't hurt. It used to hurt to hold a baby. So much so, that I would just pass on holding a baby at all. But holding that little angel was pure sweetness. Than this week, I got to hold an older baby for a few minutes. Again, heaven.

I look back and I have come so far. I still slip back into darkness and depression from time to time. But its not as deep and doesn't seem to last as long. I just have to deal with it and then move on.

I still see a roller coaster looming ahead of me, but right now it is smooth. I hope I can keep it that way.

Passions

I saw this on Facebook today and just loved it.

I have a few passions in my life, but the very first thing that came to mind was my nephews.

 

I love those guys so much! I'm glad that I have them to fill in the gaps of my life.

Infertility tried to take motherhood from me, but it didn't win completely.

Today was a good day

Today was a good day. I've had so many days recently of hate and bitterness. It was nice to escape those for a while. I hope I can hold onto this attitude. Everything will work out and life will go on.
No tears, some joy and laughter. Yes, today was a good day. Thank you Lord for hearing my desperate, albeit selfish, prayer.

Mercy

I've been going thru something lately. I only hint at it, because I don't know who reads this blog and how it would affect their feelings towards me. So excuse me for the vagueness in this post.

The last few months have been dark for me. I've shed lots of tears. Tears of hurt. Tears of frustration. Tears of jealousy.

"Sometimes, in the midst of heartache and despair, God finds a way to show a little mercy." - Savannah Christensen (Yep, I'm that proud of that quote!)

I'm not much of a prayer person, but I have said a repeated prayer a lot lately, knowing I really had no way of changing anything. That fate was decided months ago. But, oh boy, sometimes He comes thru for me.

Today, I cried tears, once again. But this time, they were tears of joy. It would seem lame to others, so I won't go into it. But it was a HUGE deal to me. Now, I think I can survive the next several months.

Recovering From Heartbreak

I was talking to someone yesterday and found out we knew a person in common. I asked how they were doing and the subject of heart break (and not being able to move on) came up. In this case, it had to do with the love that got away and not being able to love another. This person was kind of critical of the 3rd person. Its been years, why can't he get over it and just find someone else?

I was polite, and just nodded my head. But inside, I thought "sometimes a heartache is so big, you never recover."

I won't deny I've had moments where I want to jump back into the madness of trying to become a mother. But I'm not willing to put my heart on the line like that again. Its not worth the risk to me. I don't think I could survive it a second time. I know, there is no guarantee it would happen that way. I know several people who have tried again, after heart break, and its worked out well the next time around.

I remember the LOOOONG waiting. Then the brief moment of hope and happiness. But that is always followed by the heart ache. It almost crushed me completely.

But a baby is worth it most would say. And I'm not saying they are wrong. But I just don't have it in me to try again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I've moved on with my life. We have found other ways to bring joy to our lives. Just this weekend, Josh admitted he wouldn't have taken the job he did years ago if we had a kid. And he's probably right. But I shutter to think that might mean he would still be stuck in the miserable job he had before.

We probably wouldn't have bought our cute townhouse if we had a kid. Sure, we probably would have bought something else, but house hunting was horrible. The townhouse was literally the only home we could agree on, but if we had a kid, even it wouldn't have worked for us.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

I've realized, I will never fully recover from my heartbreak. But I don't think a person should. I feel like if I did recover completely, that would take away the value of it all. I can't ever forget it, it was too big a moment in my life. To forget it would lesson the memory of it all, the happiness and the joy, and I can't do it that dishonor. To completely forget is like making it so it never happened. 

It also helps me to remember, other people go through heartbreak too. And even if its not the same as mine, their pain is still just as real and valid. And that is something I can understand and relate to.  

I swear, I will never understand all the emotions I go thru with my infertility.

Today, I had a friend give birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I am thrilled for her. 100% thrilled. And its not like its her first or a hard achieved pregnancy. (Its her 3rd baby.) But I'm just happy for her.

But when I think of other pregnant people, I am 100% insanely jealous and bitter.

I can't figure out why. But I'm working on it.

No, I'm Not Pregnant

This is another article that really caught my attention.

http://www.whenathome.com/no-im-not-pregnant/

The first time I saw it, I didn't read it. I figured it would apply more to people still trying to conceive and it wouldn't apply to me. But when it kept popping up in my Facebook news feed over and over, I decided to read it.

I still feel like its written towards women trying to conceive, but I can't deny that parts of the article talked to me. It really is a great article to read, but I'm going to highlight my favorite parts and how it touched me.

"She walks around with a weight in her heart. A weight that no one (except other women going through the same thing) can understand."

That is my life. Infertility is always on my mind. I'm trying to come to terms that even if I accept I can't be a mom, it will never leave me completely. Some days are good, but other days are still hard. I'm coming to terms that I will always wonder "what if?"

"Her friends get pregnant and she is genuinely 100% thrilled for them. But she is also genuinely 100% devastated and fights off envious thought every day." 

I think if I could get friends and family to understand one thing, it would be this. I'm happy for you. I really, truly am. But at the same time, I am devastated that its not me. Even though we aren't even trying anymore. It still hurts. But please know, I am happy. I just have conflicting emotions that have to be dealt with.

"She will see her pregnant friends and have such conflicting feelings about their growing bellies that she might not know how to act around them. Not because she's mad at them for being pregnant but because she hates herself for being jealous of someone she loves so much."

This is almost the same as the above quote. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I'm jealous. Those who know me well know that I am an EXTREMELY jealous person. I get jealous if a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on the TV. That jealously also spills over into my infertility. We tried for so long to be parents. I'm going to be jealous. That doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you. Its just a reminder that I can't conceive on my own. This is not your fault, just the facts.

What I hate is how this leads people to try to hide the fact they are pregnant. Its the big elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I've been in situations where someone will start to ask someone how they are feeling with their pregnancy, look up and notice me and just stop the conversation all together.

Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Don't baby me because it just makes it worse. I would love for there to be a way you could acknowledge the happiness while also acknowledging my pain, but I don't think there is a way. Just don't ignore the fact around me. I'm 100% thrilled, 100% devastated and 100% aware of the fact you are pregnant but trying to pretend you aren't because I'm in the same room. You can talk about it. Don't be afraid to show your joy. Its YOUR pregnancy and you should get to celebrate that. If I need a quite moment to cry, I won't do so on your parade. I'll wait until I'm alone and deal with my emotions then.

I also have those thoughts each month when my period comes. I hate that about my body. HATE! I can't have a baby, but it doesn't stop my body from having periods. Some are just annoying, but some are down right painful. When I have those ones I think "Its not even worth being a woman. I should only be having this kind of pain if I can also reap the benefits of pregnancy. I shouldn't have to go through one without being able to enjoy the other. "

"Its not a race."

This one is really hard for me. (I'm sure I've touched on it before.) We were the first children married on both sides of our family. Therefore, society expected us to be the first to bless our families with grand kids. I once had a person approach me and congratulate me. When I asked him why, he said he had heard that my in-laws were going to be grandparents. It was painful to clarify that we weren't the ones expecting. This used to happen quite often. But, its just another part of my infertile life.

I still struggle with that fact we can't provide grand kids for our families. I feel like a failure to them. I feel like we are treated differently because of it. I can't help but think, if only we had kids then relationship would be different inside our families.

Watching the latest pregnancy has been hard for this reason. We are now the only ones in my husband's family to not provide his parents with grandchildren. This fact is eating me alive right now. Its all I dwell on. Some days I feel like this fact is crushing me and will bury me alive.

"Don't live your life in desperation and jealousy. It will eat your soul."

This is what I constantly work on. Like I said in my previous post, if I spend all my time thinking mothers are happier than me, all it does is make me miserable. And my life isn't miserable or unhappy. Sometimes, I just get caught up in the emotions of infertility and have a pity party. Its an ongoing battle for me, but I am doing the best I can.

Happiness

I have had so many emotions going through my head lately, but I seem to lack the follow through of writing about them.

I've started following more childless blogs and have loved them. But they will talk about something and I think, "Oh, I should do a post on that issue and my thoughts." But then I forget to do it and when I go to, I can't remember what I wanted to say.

I hope I can remember some of them because, at the time, they seemed very important to me.

I remember one was about an article trying to figure out if childless people were happier than people with children. I can't remember where I saw the article, or those who blogged about it. But I do remember some of my thoughts.

I don't think you can compare happiness between people who have children and people who don't. Its like comparing apples to oranges. One lifestyle is so different from the other, its just not possible.

I look at my life and I realize, I have no clue what my sister and sister in-law do for their families. I can't comprehend the homework, taxi service to games, cleaning, bed time stories, caring for sick kids, etc. Its something I've never had to do so its something I can't understand.

And I bet if I were to ask them, they would feel the same about my life.

Random fact: Josh and I go to bed at 8:00 at night. On the weekends, we stay up late, until about 9 - 9:30.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, some random person will call our house at 8:30 pm and wake us up. My first response is "ugg, don't they know we are asleep?" But I realize, they probably don't because they are busy with their own lives. Its probably common for them to stay up until 10 each night. No wonder they don't know we are in bed already.

Let me clarify, its not because our lives are so boring we go to bed early. Both Josh and I have joined the gym and we like to go first thing in the morning. That means we get up at 4:30 each morning. That is why we are exhausted by 8:00 each night.

Another way I know my life differs is, I don't have to plan things out. On weekends, we can stay in our PJ's all day and do nothing. Or we can load up in the car and go take a quick, unplanned trip. Its the freedom that comes with our childless lives.

I don't think I'm any happier than my sister or sister in-law. But, on the other hand, I don't think they are any happier than me. Our lives are just too different to make that distinction. To imply that a life opposite of what you have is happier just seems down grading on the life you have. 

If you spend all your time wishing you had their lifestyle, than yes, you might start to think theirs is happier. But that's because you are focusing all your energy on the things you don't have.

My point is, you take what life gives you and you make it your own kind of happy.