Tell it how it is

In all my years of infertility, I have become a master of only telling it half way. Its hard to tell people how it is, because they immediately question you or just don't get it, and therefore offer their (useless) advise.

Maybe its because I'm still in a bad mood from last night, but today I told it how it was. And I'm quite proud of myself. I still can't decide what set me off last night. I think it was just a mixture of emotions that hit me all at once. That's how it usually works with infertility.

Right now, my sister is in the hospital giving birth to her second son. I'm excited to have another nephew at any moment. Blankets are ready that I loving made and I found some matching shirts for both her boys. One says "Older Brothers Rule" and the other one says "Young Brothers Rock". I've had these shirts for months now, but decided to keep them until baby #2 made his debut.

Just a bit ago I had the following conversation with someone.

Her: "So, is it your sister your mom is at the hospital with?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh, is she having her baby?"

Me: "Looks like it."

Her: "Well, hopefully it will be you someday."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "You never know, it might me."

Me: "Nope, I know that is impossible."

Her: "Well, then you could just adopt."

My thought I didn't speak aloud, "Yes, its the simple to JUST adopt. Why didn't I think of that?"

Me: "Nope, that's not going to happen either."

Her: "It might."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "Well, I guess sometimes you just get to that point where you know."

Finally a break through! Until then, I was feeling repetitive and like they just weren't getting it. Oh, I won't kid myself, she probably drove off while saying a little prayer that our family would be added to someday, but I was just so relieved for someone to finally understand what I was saying. Our family is done growing. It is staying the size it is. (Unless I cave and take in the kitten my brother is trying to give me.)

In conversations similar to this, I usually get tired of arguing with the person and say something like "I guess we'll see." That is not me agreeing that they are right in assuming we'll have kids someday. That is my way of ending the conversation so I don't get mad and try to tell them they have no business telling me how my family should be.

I like the way I did it today. It felt short and right to the point and hopefully at least that person got it.

BAM!

My day: doo-doo-doo. Just an ordinary good day.

BAM! Hello depression, its been a while. I refuse to let you over take me, but you hit me so suddenly I think you may win this time.

Off to find a project to hopefully distract me. And maybe a bowl of ice cream.

My last post got me thinking, well, more like really thinking about something that is bothering me. My relationship with God, or the lack thereof.

Its something I think about often, but just can't seem to find the strength to work on. I try to go to church, but my pattern seems to be; go for a week and then not again for several weeks. My excuse is: since I see so little of my husband I want to soak up every precious second with him on the weekend. But that is really just my "easy" excuse.

I think I know what my issue is, I'm just not sure what I want to do about it.

I don't trust God anymore. He got my hopes up and then He let me down.

I know I've become bitter. I try not to be, but sometimes I am. Something happened a few weeks ago and I knew this person needed prayers. But then my next thought was "Why? God has already decided what will happen. My prayers don't matter, they won't make a difference." I know that deep (very deep) down, that my prayers would matter. They couldn't just change the outcome, but they could help pave the way and help prepare for comfort or understanding, or whatever would be needed at that time. But then the bitter voice speaks up, "It didn't work for you."

Sometimes I think it was a joke. "Be careful what you wish for..." type of thing. I wished so hard to be chosen, that I was given a taste of it. But if I had just been quite and not complained, we never would've been chosen, and therefore never unchosen.

But then that leads to me realizing just how happy we are now. On a very regular basis we tell each other how we are enjoying living as a family of two. Or we'll comment, "I'm so glad I'll never have to deal with (insert multiple issues) and kids." I know parenthood comes with all its glory and happiness. But if I'm never going to be a parent, I think its ok for me to look at the bad stuff I'm missing out on too.

Back to my main topic, church and all it represents.

Its so hard going to a church that is so deeply family orientated. To me, it feels like EVERYTHING revolves around the family. But not just family, but having kids and being good parents. Those lessons make me feel unimportant and like there is no reason for me to be there. I know that's not completely true, but that is how my mind tends to focus. Yes, I can learn tips to being a better wife, a better aunt, etc. but only if I choose to twist it that way. Its not like there is an actual lesson about being better aunts and uncles. (I would take notes in that lesson!)

It still haunts me how we lost that baby FOREVER. We didn't miscarry, so the baby isn't sealed to us in heaven. I have nothing to fall back on. Its as if there never was a baby. I'm eternally grateful to be sealed to Josh for time. But I get so weary of people talking about how their loss is bearable because they know they will see them again in Heaven. I'm constantly biting my tongue so I don't scream how just how awful and unbearable it is to have a loss like that.

I don't miss church. Which makes me feel guilty. Which gets me to go to church. I don't like going to church out of guilt.

I feel let down. No one reached out to us after we were unchosen. A few people knew, but I'm sure they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing. And that hurt. We used to be pretty regulars and then we pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, why did no one question that?

I want released from my calling because I feel like I'm letting them down and they should find someone better. (Its not a big calling, I'm the RS chorister.) No, I don't want to be better. Its not like my calling is the point that makes me go to church, so I don't think being released would make much of a difference in my attendance.

Vent

Let me start by saying, I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that God creates families in his way on his own timetable. And this vent does not mean we are looking to adopt again or even thinking that day might come when we will want to open our profile again. This post is just a poor vent and I hope once I get it off my chest I'll be able to let it go and move on and be happy.

I find it so unfair how fast some couples get chosen. Our profile was active for almost 2 years before me met C. After we were unchosen, our profile remained open for another year before we closed it. Three years and yet, only one contact. That burns me.

I'm happy for the family that are expecting again through adoption. I am. But I guess its like a pregnancy announcement, I have to hurt some before I can be happy. That's what infertility does to you. You have to mourn for yourself before you can rejoice for anyone else.

So I'll say congrats tomorrow, but just for today I'm going to cry my heart out about it.