Monday, August 15, 2011

My last post got me thinking, well, more like really thinking about something that is bothering me. My relationship with God, or the lack thereof.

Its something I think about often, but just can't seem to find the strength to work on. I try to go to church, but my pattern seems to be; go for a week and then not again for several weeks. My excuse is: since I see so little of my husband I want to soak up every precious second with him on the weekend. But that is really just my "easy" excuse.

I think I know what my issue is, I'm just not sure what I want to do about it.

I don't trust God anymore. He got my hopes up and then He let me down.

I know I've become bitter. I try not to be, but sometimes I am. Something happened a few weeks ago and I knew this person needed prayers. But then my next thought was "Why? God has already decided what will happen. My prayers don't matter, they won't make a difference." I know that deep (very deep) down, that my prayers would matter. They couldn't just change the outcome, but they could help pave the way and help prepare for comfort or understanding, or whatever would be needed at that time. But then the bitter voice speaks up, "It didn't work for you."

Sometimes I think it was a joke. "Be careful what you wish for..." type of thing. I wished so hard to be chosen, that I was given a taste of it. But if I had just been quite and not complained, we never would've been chosen, and therefore never unchosen.

But then that leads to me realizing just how happy we are now. On a very regular basis we tell each other how we are enjoying living as a family of two. Or we'll comment, "I'm so glad I'll never have to deal with (insert multiple issues) and kids." I know parenthood comes with all its glory and happiness. But if I'm never going to be a parent, I think its ok for me to look at the bad stuff I'm missing out on too.

Back to my main topic, church and all it represents.

Its so hard going to a church that is so deeply family orientated. To me, it feels like EVERYTHING revolves around the family. But not just family, but having kids and being good parents. Those lessons make me feel unimportant and like there is no reason for me to be there. I know that's not completely true, but that is how my mind tends to focus. Yes, I can learn tips to being a better wife, a better aunt, etc. but only if I choose to twist it that way. Its not like there is an actual lesson about being better aunts and uncles. (I would take notes in that lesson!)

It still haunts me how we lost that baby FOREVER. We didn't miscarry, so the baby isn't sealed to us in heaven. I have nothing to fall back on. Its as if there never was a baby. I'm eternally grateful to be sealed to Josh for time. But I get so weary of people talking about how their loss is bearable because they know they will see them again in Heaven. I'm constantly biting my tongue so I don't scream how just how awful and unbearable it is to have a loss like that.

I don't miss church. Which makes me feel guilty. Which gets me to go to church. I don't like going to church out of guilt.

I feel let down. No one reached out to us after we were unchosen. A few people knew, but I'm sure they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing. And that hurt. We used to be pretty regulars and then we pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, why did no one question that?

I want released from my calling because I feel like I'm letting them down and they should find someone better. (Its not a big calling, I'm the RS chorister.) No, I don't want to be better. Its not like my calling is the point that makes me go to church, so I don't think being released would make much of a difference in my attendance.

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