Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The haunted pink room

Our home has three bedrooms; the master bedroom, the back room and the pink room. The back room is the smallest. For years it has doubled as my craft room and Josh's whatever room (i.e. hunting stuff, reloading stuff, etc.). I've tried to draw a line in that room to keep my side clean from his clutter. I've asked him to not put stuff on my shelf or table. My side stays somewhat organized. His side is a mess that slowly grows and finds its way to my side.

The pink room was just kind of dubbed the baby room, even though we have always called it the pink room. For years it has been a kind of, but not really nursery, and a overflow for when the back room gets full. At times it has been set up as a nursery with the pack and play, the swing, and the high chair set up. At other times those have been folded up and literally stuffed into the closet (they are too big, the closet doesn't close when they are in there). The pack and play has been used maybe 5 times in the four years we have owned it on the rare occasion that I was asked to babysit. And even then, once the mother brought her own pack and play with her. The swing has never been used, at least not for a baby. There have been lonely time where I would go in there and just turn it on and pretend. The high chair has gotten a little bit more use, but even then, not really. I'm tired of storing these items. I'm tired of having a room I don't use.

So its time to go in and knock down the cobwebs (both literal and imagined). But when I go in there, all I do is cry. Cry for what never was. Cry for what almost was. Cry for what most likely will never be. I've decided the room is haunted.

I went in tonight to start to gather a few things that I am donating to a friend for her Christmas Project to provide items to the women's shelter. A few years ago another friend gave me a HUGE garbage bag full of baby boy clothes. I thought I'd start by adding them to my donation pile. That was easy. Then I started going through the stuff I bought. The little boy and little girl outfits I bought because I was in the baby section buying something for a gift for someone else and I just couldn't leave without buying something for me.

And the blankets, oh the blankets I hold so tenderly in my heart. The first one is a cow one that I looked FOREVER for when we first decided to adopt. At that point we were thinking of just looking for a little boy and I was determined to decorate the room (which we would paint blue) in little farm animals. I looked all over the web and couldn't find anything I liked. So then I started looking at fabrics so I could have bedding custom made. Then one day on Ebay, I found it. It was PERFECT. When I got it, I set it up in the Pack and Play just so I could see it every time I went in the room.

Then when we were approved to adopt and our profile was published I bought matching John Deere Blankets in green and pink to celebrate. I bought the green one first on Ebay, but then I decided I needed a pink one too for just in case. (By that time we had decided to be open to any gender). The green blanket came with a little matching pillow. When the seller listed the pink set, it included a small receiving blanket along with the quilt and pillow. I emailed the seller and told them my situation and asked for if it would be possible to get a matching green receiving blanket. They told me if I was the winning bidder on the pink set, they would throw in the green blanket also. I was so excited about those blanket sets!  But they just sit in a box unopened and unused.

I am determined to get this room cleaned up and move my craft stuff into there. I would love to do it NOW but between the emotions and the pressure to finish up my Christmas projects it will probably have to wait. But I want to get it done just so I can get it over with. I've held on to this stuff to long. That's all it is anymore, just stuff. Stuff that seems to be holding me in a place I no longer want to be. I'm ready for the freedom that will come by letting go. In a book I am reading about infertility and moving on it said something to the effect of, as long as there is hope, there will also be pain. I completely agree. I'm ready for my life to move on.


  1. My husband had to pack away our nursery once our failed placement happened. It was a very difficult time. I still hate to go in that room and refuse to make it a study. Instead I do homework on the couch and have my computer set up downstairs. Sometimes you need someone to help you physically move or get rid of those things.

    Can I ask what book you're reading?

  2. Sarah, I sent you an email about the books. It will come from sourbonk@yahoo.com. If you don't get it, let me know.

  3. sounds like such a perfect idea. I did that before and turned my baby room into an exercise room. I love it!! It was very emotional though to go through the process but I am happy with the result! Good luck and know you are not alone. PS. I feel we have become friends through our infertility blogs. I also feel better when you write me a comment! :) Thank you for being a support for me!

  4. Oh, Savannah, your strength gives so many women courage to keep going. Thank you.


  5. So I take it you have decided to not move on with adoption. I can't say I know what you are going through so it is hard for me to give you advice but I didn't know you made a decision. You have to do what is best for you and your husband. Your a family and have to be happy. I wish you both the best and all the happiness in the world. I just want to see you happy you are a great lady. :)

  6. been there too, had a "one day" room for a decade. Never wanted to go in there. Never waned to use it. It always felt like if I actually used it for something else it would be like giving up. Very freeing though when I did use it for me instead of wasting it "one day" After we adopted we set up her room in a different room. That "one day" room was for all the dead babies, dead hopes and crushed dreams. I couldn't have a baby in there. For me, I gave everything away I had saved pre-adoption. Even post adoption it was too painful to even look at. Seems weird that I had a baby and still didn't want to see it. It was easier to start fresh. Sent 3 large boxes to a friend instead. I couldn't use the cross stitch sampler I had made when we did our first infertility treatment. I had saved it all those years but when it came right down to using it for a real baby I couldn't do it. Hurt too much. I know it doesn't seem like I should even comment since I have a baby. Just wanted you to know your feelings are valid.

  7. Beth I always love hearing from you. (I love hearing from all my infertile friends!) You have a baby, but only after years of infertility, death and adoption stress. You're feelings are just as valid as mine.