Sunday, March 8, 2009

Josh Needs to Vent

Hello there everyone, I have a few things that are weighing on my mind and I need to get them out and off my chest. Firstly I want to thank everyone that reads this. Thank you for the support that you show Savannah and I, we really appreciate it. I have been really touched by comments from friends and family about our blog lately and I appreciate it. I know that knowing that we have support out there boosts Savannah's and my confidence about our adoption when we need it. I am glad that we have so many good friends and family, both nearby and through the Internet.

Now some things that I would like to get off my chest, a couple weeks ago you know that Savannah and I were contacted by a person trying to get money out of us in an adoption scam. I was the one who answered the phone call. I talked to her for a few minutes, and I have to admit for about an hour and a half I was convinced that we were going to finally be parents. Words cannot describe the emotions I felt at that moment. When I hung up the phone tears were streaming down my face. I could hardly dial the phone to call Savannah, I was so excited. I cried and shook with excitement; I thought that this was the real deal. Several hours later I decided that it was a scam and my emotional high bottomed out. I was in a bad mood for a day or so after that. It's a good thing I have a loving wife to help me through things like this, without her this would have been a lot harder.

Anyway this experience had kicked off an adoption craze with me. I have been excited about adoption ever since we decided to do it but I am now feeling the impatience even more now. Because of this and other situations, I find myself wondering "when will it be my turn?" "What am I doing wrong?" And "why is it that others can be parents when we can't, it's not fair."

I know that when it happens it will happen when it is supposed to and we will think "the timing on that was perfect" but it is eating me up inside. I was the oldest , I was supposed to have the first kids, that didn't happen. It kills me, I have tried to do everything right, but I must be lacking somewhere.



~Our Family~ said...

Josh.. Hi I'm Cindy from the lds adoption group.. I feel for you so much.. I'm sorry about the adoption scammer that called you.. I know when we had our profile on parent profiles I had a couple of scammers and some I knew where pregnant but wasn't the right fit for our family.. I followed every lead we got getting to know two moms that contacted us for about 2 weeks but I knew that either they were trying to scam or I wasn't the right fit for them.. God will watch over you and keep you safe. If you don't feel good about a situation it must not be true..
I don't know much about your family not being a 100% behind you rather than that sucks.. I guess if it was me in that cirmstance I would just let it play out and see if they change their mind when a child comes to you guys. Tell them that it hurts that they don't pray for you that you will get choosen soon by a birthmom.. I know if that didn't work then I would be like you I can live my life without them if they don't want to be a part of it, or treat my child different since it wasn't born from flesh and blood.. I know with our adoption of Braxton everyone loves him no matter if he is flesh and blood and treat him just like my other son(biological one). It isn't about them anyway its about you and your wife... I wish that sometimes everyone would get on the same page and love one another for who they are.. Josh you didn't do anything wrong nor Savannah either just sometimes we don't know all the reasons to why we can't have the one thing in this world that we crave or want so bad that we would die for it.. I guess we know a little what Jesus went through on the cross.. I love you guys even if I haven't met you.. Keep your heads up and remember who you are.. I wish the best for you guys.. Sorry to see you hurting so much.. Remember you are not alone...

Brady and Richelle said...

I'm praying for both of ya....I'm still so ready to go to Tennessee...whenever you're up to it just let me know!!!

Teah said...

we're here for you 100% even if we're 1300 miles away.I've had a prayer in my heart for you for months, and your names have crossed my lips just as much talking to people on your behalf. no leads yet but my eyes and ears are still open.

Elizabeth and Brian said...

That took a lot to put that all out there like that. Infertility just plain sucks. I hate how it creeps its way into so many areas of our lives. We started in Jan 08, got approved in Sept 08 and were placed in March 09 so I can't say I can relate to your waiting time post approval. (We had a pathetic story and the pics of the boys really hit home with our Elora's birthmom.) We have been married for ten years and sometimes I would just scream out in my prayers to God. "What more do you want? What do you want me to do? You don't want me to get pregnant, have a live birth or have my children live. You've gotta open up a way for something to work." All I can really say is that your situation is very painful and I am sorry. If your family isn't praying for you know that we are. I've put your names on the prayer rolls. I don't have much advice except try to be open to differant paths. For example we were dead set on not going into debt for an adoption. That limited us to only working with LDSFS. But when i came right down to it the Lord told us to go the path we did. It cost more, was a big hassle and we are in debt now. However, God has provided a way that we can pay off the debt. It has been amazing the things that have opened up to us. Cheap airfare even though it was last minute, a coupon for car rental, a kind baggage claim person who let us check the carseat and additional luggage at no fee, a slight pay raise, a lowering of car and health insurance preimums, ect. This all added up so that we were able to stay in budget and we do not feel the burden of debt. I am not saying go into debt. I am saying, be open. If God says to take a certain path such as foster care, working with a facilitator, ect then he will open up away but you won't realize it until afterwards. Now, after she is here, I keep thinking of that Garth Brook's song "The Dance." You're a country boy so I know you know it. I know it isn't a perfect example but I keep thinking of "And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance."

I wish I hadn't of had to go through so much hell to get here but it has made us who we are. It is easy to say that on this side of adoption but it is real. Adoption and infertility has really shown me who my friends are and who in my family loves me unconditionally and we doesn't. I'm praying my heart out for your family.

brandya said...

My heart goes out to both of you! I love this support group and I am so grateful we have found each other to lean on! I wish that I could make it "better" for everyone. I am a fixer and I hate seeing anyone hurting. We have a social worker helping us with an adoption and it has been up and down. I remember her calling us a few months ago and saying, you need to go get a crib and carseat and be ready. Baby will be coming soon. It was weeks and weeks before we heard from her again. She wouldn't return phone calls to us or another close family member. She said it was a false alarm. It is a hard, frustrating process, but know that you are in our prayers! If we can do anything, please let us know! You are such amazing people and you deserve the very best things to happen for you!

Brady and Richelle said...

Keep your chin up, if ya'll need anything...I'm only down the road a couple miles :)

mandamike said...

Josh I appriciate your comments. It's really great that you are just as passionate about building your family through adoption as your lovely wife is. I enjoyed reading your thoughts - don't stop sharing them.
~Amanda (from the LDS adoptive parents yahoo group
P.S. My husband was the first son and wasn't a father first in his family either, you are not alone.

Linda and Peter said...

My prayers go out to you and Savannah. I am married to the son of an only son and initially the pressure was on for us to have a boy...gotta carry on the family name you know...sigh. It's hard, very hard. The waiting is excruciating. I wish I had all the answers and all the right words to say and a way to take all the pain away but I can't. But please know that I pray every day for you, my husband and I, and all those who are waiting for their babies to find their way to them.

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