Friday, March 13, 2009

Clearing a few things up

I guess you could call this a formal apology. The problem with posting about our feelings on infertility is that feelings usually end up hurt. That is never the intent. But sometimes the weight of infertility gets so hard to carry alone and we try to unburden ourselves by sharing our feelings with others. Usually only others who suffer from infertility really understand us and what we are going through.

I am not trying to justify what Josh said in his post. I don't think I need to. Our feelings are real and we shouldn't have to hide them. We have gone back and deleted certain parts of it that probably should have been kept to ourselves. Right now our hearts are hurting and if we try to hide that fact and keep it to ourselves we usually end up blowing things out of proportion. We are sorry we hurt feelings, that was never the purpose.

However, I want to clear a few things up.

INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! Relaxing, patience, and other advice does not change that fact. You would not tell a cancer patient to just relax and everything would be okay and you would not tell a blind person to just be patient and their sight will come back. You would not tell some who just lost a loved one due to death that everything is okay. INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL CONDITION!

We are very excited to adopt. For the briefest hour we had our hopes up. Within that hour we were able to picture a baby girl coming into our lives and our home. It was only an hour, but in that hour I dared to dream about my first Mother's Day. In that hour I dreamt about our little girls first steps and I could see in the future and see her dancing with the Utah Gymnastics team. During that hour everything was right with the world and we were the happiest we have been in a while. It's funny how the joy only lasted an hour, and yet weeks later that pain is still to raw. We still think back to that phone call and then cry thinking about the "if only."

DO NOT TELL US TO BE PATIENT. DO NOT TELL US THAT OUR TIME WILL COME. We are through trying to listen to these comments and they may be met with hostility. After all this time they really don't ring true for us anymore.

Instead say things like, We are praying for you. Or offer us a hug. Or just let us know that you are thinking of us.

I know it can be hard to picture us being parents. All we have is a piece of paper that says we are approved to adopt. But all our hopes and dream lie on that piece of paper. That paper says that someone thinks we would be good parents. That paper says we are expecting a child. Clearly not within 9 months, but still it says there is a chance we could be a mom and dad someday.

In the adoption world we are "paper pregnant." Pregnant women don't get ignored as their belly swells. People ask them how they are feeling, how was their last doctor visit, are they getting their home ready for the new addition. At times we feel that since my belly isn't swelling with pregnancy that people can ignore the fact that we too are trying to become parents.

The best thing we can do while trying to adopt is get the word out. TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. And please pray for us. We need those prayers. We need to know that people are thinking about us. We need acknowledgment that even though we are only a family of two, we are still a family and just as important.

This is a very exciting thing for us and we just want everyone to share the excitement with us.



Desi said...

I understand not wanting to have hurt feelings on any part, but I think it's not very cool that you felt you needed to change the content of your post. What you were feeling was valid and real for you. It doesn't matter what people think, this is YOUR blog, not someone else's blog.

Saying that, I also recognise that I don't put all of my deepest feelings out on my blog very often right now. It seems like I just keep hearing to be patient and to relax. Right. I'm so tired of hearing that! I totally agree with you that the best thing is to say "we're praying for you" or that "we're thinking of you." That really feels nice. I guess people are usually trying to be nice when they say to be patient, but they are really just showing their ignorance. It stinks, but it is up to us to let them know how it makes us feel. Good for you for putting it out there!

Infertility is a medical condition - plus lots of other conditions all put together. It has trials, pains and uncerainty (sp?) attached. It sucks and is hard, and for lots of us, doesn't go away. It is also a waiting game. We aren't even always in control of the outcome, I guess we never are. We wait for doctors, wait for tests, and then some of us move on and wait for paperwork and wait to be chosen by a birth mom. Lots and lots of waiting....

You have both been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be there. I'm so grateful for our 2ofus4now group and the support I find there. It is so nice to have people who really understand what I'm going through!

Brady and Richelle said...

I love ya both and i pray for ya everyday!!!!!! See you bright and early Monday!

Ashley said...

Hey guys
I am sorry that someone hurt you both. Some people in this world really have no feelings for others. Jason and I both think about you guys and in our own way we are hoping that you guys get picked soon. I always tell everyone that you guys will be the best parents! In fact I couldn't think of 2 people I know that deserve a baby more then you 2. Oh and for Josh... I am the oldest as well and I know that feeling of needing to have kids first. My little brother had his baby girl first. Its a huge let down when its not you, but when you guys have your baby it will be extra special no matter what anybody says! Love you both!

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