In 2005 we decide we are ready to start a family. In my mind I picture myself being the first one in the family to make my parents grandparents. I could see myself holding a newborn in the hospital, grinning ear to ear, lightly kissing my beautiful wife on the head and beaming with joy. That didn't happen. We tried and nothing, tried again and nothing. I have never done anything harder in the world than to look in Savannah's eyes after a failed pregnancy test; the hurt that was there was slowly killing me. I think deep down I was worried that it was all my fault for not being able to give her children, I felt like a failure as a husband, after every failed test I just wanted to die.
February 2007, I spent my anniversary getting tested, by far the worst test I have ever taken. Savannah took me to Cabela's but deep down I already knew the results and I felt like less of a man at that point in my life. I knew I would fail and that meant that I was a failure as a husband.
March 2007, While driving home from work one night I heard a Hallmark card commercial on the radio about a woman getting a card for her sister who had just adopted a child. It was like I had finally woken up; I knew without a doubt at that point that we would adopt, and all my feelings of being a failure went away. The painful aching hole in my chest didn't hurt quite as bad and I didn't feel like any less of a man. In fact I felt excited, I would get to adopt and that would make our child very special.
Later in March 2007, Test results came back and confirmed what I already knew in my heart, we were going to adopt. I was very excited I couldn't wait and I still can't.
Summer 2007, We attended our very first Birth mother panel and like Savannah has already said it was AWESOME! I had an understanding of what adoption was all about and I could hardly contain myself, we were going to get the chance to have a birth mother of our own and I was very, very happy. Also we attended our first FSA conference, again AWESOME, I can't even put into words the happiness I felt.
Many things have followed since then, Paperwork, home study, and lots of waiting. I am trying to be patient but it is hard sometimes. I don't feel like a failure anymore, but the aching hole is still there in my chest. It will take a successful adoption and hopefully the acceptance of a few people to fill that void. I can't wait to get that call, the one that says we have a baby. I'll yell it out to all the world, grin from ear to ear, and kiss my beautiful wife on the head. I'll feel whole again and I can't wait for that. Anyone can be a parent but only the most special people can be adoptive parents, and only the very most special people can be the birth parents who will make their dreams come true.
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That was very brave of you Josh to say all that. I hope it was healing. Brian has never been able to write it all down. It is nice to have a male perspective on infertility. I hope it helps my husband. We were at that conferance too. It's a shame we didn't all meet up. It was a wonderful conferance. It was the AHA moment for us on adoption.
To Josh,
I know that you and Savannah are very impatient to be chosen by a birth mother. You may have a long wait still but I know in my heart you both will be great parents! Try to remember that everything happens for a reason and your child will come to you when the time is right. I know I don't know you very well but I have seen the affect you have had on Savannah in all these years you two have been together. I couldn't have wished for a better man for one of the best friends I have ever had. You are an amazing person and one of the best men that I know! I love you both and good luck with your wait.
Josh,
What a touching story. I knew much of it but reading it from your own words touched my heart!
You are a wonderful husband and I know that you will be an awesome father. You are a wonderful man and I couldn't have asked for a more special son.
Thanks for being you and be patient. It will all be worth it when we hold that special child that our Heavenly Father is preparing to send your way.
Love, Mom (Tammy)
Oh how I feel for you both. As I read this entry the tears were just streaming down my face. I hope you both know how incredibly amazing you both are. I remember the day we found out I had problems and then again when we found out that Donovan also had some also. I never had to suffer as you have though. Oh how I wish somehow I could take away your pain. I've been keeping my eyes and ears open for you both and if I come across any information or birth mothers I'll send it/her your way. love you both and praying for you. Teah