Feelings

Recently, I had my feelings hurt and I've really struggled with it since. A few people have told me, I need to approach the other party and let them know. And I have, several times... in my head.

Me: I need to tell you that when you left me out of your shopping trip for baby blanket material, it really hurt my feelings. I spent all week planning on going. I put makeup on before my hair appointment (which I never do) and rushed thru that appointment and finished about 45 minutes early. Only to call and find out you had already left.

Them: Well, we invited you to lunch.

Me: I was an hour away! And the invite felt like a "crap, we forgot her, let's do lunch" invite. I was excited to go spend the day with you, but after being left behind, I wasn't willing to drive that hour "just to do lunch."

Them: Well, you are always so mean when there is a pregnancy.

Me: No, I was mean during the first one. It is you who has left me completely out of this one. I even had to learn it was a boy from an outside source. I know I was horrid thru the first one, but I feel like you haven't given me a chance since.

Them: Well, you never ask.

Me: I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what to ask. But you can at least tell me things like "It's a boy."

Me: Next time, just go on a day I'm working if I'm not really invited. Then it won't hurt so much. One of you made me think I would be included because it was my day off. (Thanks for thinking of me that person!) That is why I planned on going. I will admit, I struggled with it all week. It can be awkward to be the odd man out (aka, the only non-mom in a group). But as I put my makeup that morning, I realized, I was truly excited to go. So it really hurt my feelings to get left behind. Just because we can't have children doesn't mean we don't have feelings. Its been a long time since I was excited for something and I was really excited for that day.

Them: (Now in tears) Well, we just never know with you.

And because the tears have started, the conversation (in my head) always ends there and never comes to life.

I need to quit dwelling on this. Maybe I'm a coward and don't want to broach the issue. But I tell myself, I just don't want to hurt any feelings, so I keep it to myself. But it is eating me up inside. So maybe if I at least get it out on paper, it will help me move on and forget about it.

Mother's Day

This year, for Mother's/Savannah's Day, I decided I wanted a weekend away with the hubs. His work has had him crazy busy and we literally haven't seen each other for two weeks. I did some looking online and decided it would be fun to go to a play and then spend the night in a bed & breakfast and come home the next morning.

My only worry was the "breakfast" part of the bed & breakfast. What if they were busy and all the conversation focused around Mother's Day?

The thing is, Mother's Day doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm sure that has come with the peace I have found since we decided to move on with our lives and enjoy living as a family of two.

A few weeks ago, my aunt gave me an invite to her daughter's baby shower. I could tell she was super excited to be getting her first grandchild and my situation was an after thought. As she handed me the invite she said "well, I know you don't want this, but here you go." I had to laugh because it didn't bother me in the least. I'd maybe even go to it, if it wasn't on a work night 3 hours away from home.

Back to Mother's Day. We were the only couple that stayed there this weekend, so it never even came up. The lady that runs the place was super sweet and we made sure to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

We had to run into Home Depot for a few things. They had a give away table for mom's. They asked if I was a mother. I said no, and it didn't even sting just a bit to have to admit that.

I spent all morning thinking how freeing it feels to not feel guilty and sad on Mother's Day. Not once was a sad.

We also realized that we have managed to be out of town for the last 3 Mother's Day. Maybe that is part of the trick. In 2012, Mother's Day is the day we traveled home from our cruise. Last year, we were traveling home from Idaho on Mother's Day.

I think my mom is pretty understanding when we don't show up for Mother's Day. I still get her a gift and call her. It helps me to acknowledge my love for her as my Mother, but it doesn't put me on the spot in a crowd and a non-mom. I'm not sure my mother in-law sees it the same way, but I always make sure Josh's calls her that day and we get her a present a few days earlier or later.

As we drove home Sunday, we stopped for lunch. While standing at the salad bar, Josh's aunt walked up to us. (Its a small world!) She was meeting her parents there. So of course, when they arrived, they had to come say hello too. Her mom wished me a Happy Mother's Day and I said thanks. It was an automatic thing for her to say and it was just as automatic for me to answer thanks. No hard feelings at all.

But she must have worried about it, because she came over a few minutes later to apologize. I did my best to reassure her it really didn't affect me, because it didn't!

I guess my point is, I'm so grateful for the peace I have found over the last few years. Years ago, I would have locked myself in my room with a box of chocolate and a bottle of wine and cried my eyes out.

I don't need people walking on eggshells around me. But then I remember, there are some people who do need that in their lives. So I'm glad to see that some people are learning to be more sensitive to infertile couples. Its really just a learning process for all involved. I had to find my peace. Those around me had to learn that infertility is hard. Its a nasty road to travel, but I'm glad mine has leveled out.