So many thoughts...

I have thoughts that I want to write out, but sometimes, its hard to find the right words.

I think the most important and the happiest are from last Friday. Last Friday, Josh and I were able to attend C's wedding. It was the most amazing day and I will treasure it always. I'm so happy for her and her new husband and hope they have an amazing life together. I'm also grateful for the friendship C and I share. I think from an outsiders view, our friendship might seem strange, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing her again was AMAZING! When we got there, we were able to meet the groom, but we didn't say hi to the bride until after the ceremony. I thought we were both going to cry. I forgave her a long time ago for what happened, but to actually see her, to HUG her,...there are no words for the joy I felt at that moment.

Which leads to my next train of thought. I'm so glad she came into our lives. In its own strange way, I think we needed to go through that to lead us to where we are now. I can't speak for any other infertile couple, but for us, I think we needed that painful experience so we could move on with our lives. I think if it had never happened, we would still be living with our lives on hold. I think most infertile couples need that painful moment (be it miscarriage or adoption not working) to help them choose a path for their family. I don't think a couple "quits" because it was too hard and too painful. If they do choose to go on the childless path, I think that is because they have finally been able to close the door. For us, that is what we did. Its like I needed that so I could know I tried my best, but life had different plans. Plans which Josh and I love to the fullest.

I will admit, I had a few days of daydreaming a while back. A situation came up, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get excited. I was even having dreams of being a mom again. I kept it to myself for a few days before telling the hubs. But the second I told him, it all became real and I realized, that was not something I really wanted anymore. That door in my life is closed.

Which leads to the next train of thought. (Like I said, I've had a lot lately.) I'm okay with our decision, but also at complete PEACE. There was a day when I didn't think that would be possible. I see other couples and wonder if they made their "childless" decisions too soon. I wonder if they are trying to be ok with it, but deep down, they aren't at peace with it, but rather its a decision they made grudgingly.  Its like they understand this is their life now, but deep down, they wish it was different. Its hard for me to explain, especially since I really don't know their whole situation, so maybe I shouldn't even speculate. I just wish they could all find peace. Not just shrug their shoulders and pretend its all ok. I know there is a difference between mere acceptance and full peace.

Another thought that kind ties into all of this, dear god, don't ever let me suddenly have a miracle pregnancy. I was bored a few days back and decided to go check out a blog I used to follow several months back. Imagine my shock and surprise to learn she was pregnant. (They have some adopted kiddos.) My first thought was "Thank God that isn't me!" Then I switched over to happiness for her. I know we have the whole "no sperm" thing going on in our marriage, but I never miss a day of my period regulation pill (other wise known as birth control). I take it to keep my body on a regular schedule, but when seeing her surprising news I decided to never miss that pill. (Someday I want a hysterectomy, but that is another day, another post and probably a ways down the road.)

Am I random enough yet?

My dear friend H finalized the adoption of her kiddos a few months ago. But I swear, each time she posts a picture, I get all giddy again for her. I'm so freakin' happy for her!

Then I think of another dear friend K, and their recent heartbreak. Like I said, I'm at peace with how are situation turned out. But when I think of K, I think where I was at that point in my grief. I find myself counting months again. In November, that little boy will have been gone for 6 months. Shortly after that, they will mourn his 1st birthday. Not to mention the upcoming holidays. They were to be the 1st of each joyous occasion. Now they will be the 1st almosts, the 1st reminders of what could have been. I remember how raw that pain was and my heart hurts for her and her husband. I wish there was a way to not feel that pain. But its all part of the grief process. Even though he "wasn't" their child, well, fact is, he "was" their child. A person doesn't get over a loss like that. You can't take a little one into your home and not love them. Not when you love someone so much. Its like having your own child die. You can't have more children and forget that one. Or even, just imaging loosing your spouse. Even if down the road you remarry, your heart never forgets or ever stops loving.

Last thought, for now. I now get excited about baby showers. NEVER saw that coming! A few weeks ago, I was among a group of friends and one of them had exciting news. I, for one, thought she handled it well. She seemed kinda quite when she said she had exciting news, like she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then when she told me they were expecting, she asked if I wanted to see ultra sound pics. I'm still not sure what I'm looking at when I look at those, but I eagerly agreed. EAGERLY! Who am I?! But I am so excited for her. She doesn't know what she is having yet, but I'm working on a boy blanket, just in case. (I already have a good supply of girl ones.) I told her I expect an invite to the baby shower when it takes place.

Seriously, sometimes I can NOT believe the turn around I see in myself. I didn't do baby showers. I did not get excited about people expecting, until I had a good cry for myself. And even then, it was never a full excitement. But like I said, its like once I closed that door, I freed myself to live completely. To those of you still hoping to grow your family, I hope with all my heart, it works out for you. May God find a way to give you a little one. If not, I hope you can find peace in your life. But don't stop trying until you find that peace. Don't ever close that door until you are ready.

I guess why this blog is so quite now. I started it as a place to write out my struggles and my sorrows. When I was feeling down, I knew I could turn it and at least write about it without feeling like I was being judged or criticized or whatever. This blog was my safe place to vent and to cry. Now that I don't need that, I don't seem to need this blog anymore.

But this blog has too much history in it. I could never delete it. Maybe I'll turn it into a book someday. Even though I no longer live in the middle of the infertile world, this is still a piece of me. All of it has led to who I am now. I could never erase that. So this blog will stay right were it is.

Maybe I'll pop in from time to time.

How did you know when to stop trying?

Today, a friend shared a status on Facebook from a group called "The Infertily Voice." Since I haven't thought much about our infertility lately, I decided to respond to it. The question was, "How did you know when to stop trying?" My answer can be summed up in a few words, but really, I think it deserves a well thought out response. The quick answer, we just knew. The long answer? I think I could write an essay.
First, for any new comers, or someone just stumbling onto this post, here is a quick history lesson.

Hubs and I were married in 2001.

After years of struggling to get pregnant, we started the adoption process in 2008.

That profile went unnoticed for nearly 2 years, until October 2009. I still get a case of butterflies when I think of our first email from C. I knew that day it would change my life, I just didn't know how.

We were the proud, expectant parents of a precious baby girl for roughly 5 months. It was amazing. Then C met another couple and decided to go with them.

After that, our profile stayed active for another 14 months. In May 2011, we officially closed our profile. It had been active for 3-1/2 years. In that time, we only had on real contact from a birth mom. We had had a few others, but they were all scams.

So how did we get to that point? There was a few things that happened.

When we started the process (back in 2008), we knew it could take months, even years. But we were ok with that. At one point, right at the beginning of the process, I remember Josh and I trying to decide how long to try. I said 5 years, he said 3. But after getting approved, that conversation was pretty much forgotten.

We bought a few things for the nursery. And waited. Bought a few more things. And waited. Went online with Parent Profiles. And waited. Had a new nephew born. And waited. And waited. When we met C, we thought our waiting had come to an end.

C, I still think she is amazing. After being unchosen, we pretty much stopped contact with each other. We were mourning our own loss and within a few months, she too was mourning her loss (which was by far greater then ours). But just over the last few months, we have become facebook buddies again. I've realized just how much I've missed her. I never stopped thinking about her. Was she ok? Was she happy? Had she found peace? Was she getting enough contact with her adoptive family? I never once stopped loving her.

I don't think being unchosen had anything to do with our decision. Going into adoption, we knew we could never be chosen. We knew if we were chosen, things could change. At first, I think we just became set in our ways. We started to realize just how free were were as a couple. We could go do what we wanted, when we wanted. We became comfortable with that lifestyle.

I think we both realized we were ready to pull our file a few months before we actually did. But we weren't sure how the other felt, so we didn't dare say anything. What if I was ready to stop trying, but Josh still had his hopes set on being a daddy? I think he had the same thought towards me. I think if one of us had voiced the decision to close our profile and the other hadn't been ready, well, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it would have been very stressful on our marriage.

Finally, after months of feeling ready to close our profile, I mentioned it to Josh. I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed. He told me that he had been feeling the same way for a long time, but didn't want to crush any dreams I might still have of becoming a mother.

Not once have we regretted that decision. Every now and then it will come up again. We'll hesitantly ask the other if they are still ok with how things are. The other will agree that life is perfect the way it is.

I try to not judge other couples decision. But sometimes I will admit wondering why they keep trying. I know couples who have been married longer then us and also have an active adoption profile older then ours, but they no results. Why do they keep trying? I once tried to tell a friend, "maybe its time to accept your family as it is and move on with your life." Immediately after I said that, I realized how incentive it was of me. Just because I had reached that point in my life doesn't make it the right answer for someone else. Each family must reach this decision on their own.

I've had several things show me that I'm ok with how things are.

1) I have finally been able to find joy beyond words as an aunt. That is something I struggled with for years. It took 4 nephews before I could love the with all my heart. Before then, it was too much of a competition. I just kept waiting for my turn to be a mom and that made each pregnancy announcement almost unbearable.

2) A while back, I was with a group of women. Getting pregnant and having your body change came up in the conversation. One girl was kind of insentient that she wasn't sure she wanted to get pregnant because she didn't want her body to go to pot. I thought she was being a little vain, but didn't think beyond it that much. A few minutes later, one of the ladies said "You know T, someone here would die to have her body go to pot just for the chance to be a mom." I felt about 6 inches tall. That someone is one of my best friends and I had forgotten that she just lost a baby. How could I?! I still feel horrid for how I reacted that day, but also, it made me realize the topic of babies and pregnancy can come up and I don't feel even a tiny twinge of sadness.

3) Our marriage has always been pretty good. But since closing our profile, our marriage has flourished. We have taken full advantage of living a child free life. We come and go as we please, follow our whims where ever they take us and we LOVE it!

When I got married, I did not see my life taking this path. I always thought I would be a mom. For a while, I thought I would never be happy unless I was a mom. But life has shown me differently and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Our "almost" birth mom has been on my mind a lot. Tomorrow she graduates from high school. I keep thinking how usually when someone graduates you assume things like, "Now they are grown up" or "Welcome to the real world." But those just don't see to apply to C. She grew up two years ago. When we met her, she was 16. Even then I was impressed with how mature she was. How caring she was. How much she loved her unborn child. So much so, that she made the ultimate sacrifice. Not many 16 year olds could do that. I'm not going to make comparisons, but I am sometimes in awe that I have a brother only a year younger then her, yet he acts no where near as grown up as her.

I can't imagine how many nights she has cried. How many times she has wondered if she has anything left to live for. I just can't comprehend that pain. I look at the birth mom's I've come to know and each one of them amazes me. Sometimes I want to tell them, "you don't have to keep on the happy face and pretend that all is right with the world. I'm sorry people don't notice you like they should." I hate how people assume they are sluts with horrid lifestyles, because that is just the opposite. They are loving people, more so then others because they choose to put their babies futures before their happiness.

Over the last few months, I've learned just how quickly people like to judge others. Point out their faults and tell them how they are not a good person. Its been very eye opening. So many people assume if you aren't just like them, you aren't as good as them. I think people do this simply because, they are trying to hide their faults. Get everybody to look away from them. Cause let's face it, we're all human and not a single one of us is perfect.

Dear C, I wish you all the happiness in the world, but also the strength you need for the times when life is low. When things are tough, I wish for you to be able to find peace. I don't need to wish you luck in the "real" world cause you've already grown up. I wish that someday you will be so blessed that your pain is a distant memory. Not your birth daughter, she will always be a peace of your heart. Just the pain that makes you cry. Wishing you all the love in the world. Love Savannah

When there are no words...

My very dear friend lost her foster baby today. After raising him and loving him for five months, he is gone. This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby. This is about how life sucks for her. I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away. But I know they don't exist.

I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen, because she got to hold this baby. Feed him. Rock him to sleep. He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being, well, not the mommy. And that sucks. I keep thinking back to my pain thinking, "What took it away from us? What made it better?'

The problem is that there are no words to describe her pain and her loss. Therefore, there are no words of comfort I can magically say to make it all better.

Don't look for the time when it gets better cause you can't see that from here. I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning. I thought the world should stop for my pain, but it didn't. Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it. When others ignore your pain, try to not take is personally; sometimes they don't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all.

I love you B & K and I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel your grief as it comes and hold tight to each other.

Random Thoughts

1. One of the kids I used to babysit when I was young just had a baby. A few years ago, it probably would've made me cry. But instead, I just feel old.

2. Cramps are a *itch. Seriously. Why should I have to go through this every month since the main baby part doesn't work. Couldn't it all just "not work?" Right now I'm trying to remember why I take birth control so I can have a period every single month. Oh ya, back in November/December, my period lasted for 6 weeks. No cramps, but everything else. Not.Fun.At.All.

3. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet. You know how MSN and Yahoo, on the homepage, they give blimps of articles and news? I was looking at the MSN ones and saw one about infertility. I was kind of excited because I hoped it would help educate the world. I decided to click on it and see what they had to say. Deep down, my infertility still bothers me. Five minutes later I was in the bathroom trying to get a hold of myself and stop the tears that were threatening. Reading that article, which was well written, brought back a lot of emotions and painful memories. It was not fun to relive it. I guess infertility is something I will never completely get over. I was in a funk the rest of the day.

4. On the flip side, I've had a few friends finalize, or will soon finalize, and I'm so excited for them. Its nice to be at a point where I'm just happy for someone, without a side of jealous.

5. Love those nephews of mine. Can you say spoiled? On Saturday, I was in the city and I told myself I didn't need to buy them shirts, I already gave them stuff for Easter. So instead, I bought a box of bath toys. Yep, spoiled.

6. I got to watch Vanessa's boys for a few hours and loved every second of it. I hope to make that a regular thing. She has been so wonderful to let me be such a huge part of their lives. Valex is always excited to see me. I wish they could stay little forever.