Thursday, May 27, 2010

Waiting for the end

I keep rewritting this post. I want to share my emotions, but then I don't. So here is the short version.

I know I haven't posted much here for a while. There just isn't much to say. I still feel devastated that I won't be a mom this summer. I still don't understand what we did wrong. I don't understand how we could meet someone so wonderful, and then only have her in our life for such a short time.

Crying has become a way of life for me, a daily part of my life. Everything makes me cry and so does all the nothingness.

I haven't blogged about my feelings much because it tends to bring out the anonymous comments. Anonymous rarely have something nice to say. They make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel such a loss. I was finally going to be a mom! After years of trying and years of waiting, the end was in sight. We had a due date and we were in love with someone. This is a loss. My pain is real.

So anonymous, before your panties get in a wad, let me try to clarify myself.

My feelings are not meant as an attack against any birth mother. My feelings are about me not becoming a mom in the near future. I still love C. I think of her often and hope she is doing well. She is an amazing young women and I am sure the adoptive family she chose are just as amazing. I know God's hand was in the choosing of the family for her little girl. I just don't understand why God wanted us in her life for such a short time. Maybe if I could find peace and understanding there, maybe I wouldn't cry so much. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

But on the other hand, I think by not blogging, I have given the illusion that all is fine. I can't keep pretending that all is fine. My heart is broken and I don't think it will ever heal.

There is two rungs on the ladder before I hit rock bottom, and they are coming up fast. I just hope that once I do hit bottom, I can find the strength to pick myself back up. Right now I'm just sitting on the edge waiting for it to all happen...

Anonymous, feel free to comment. I actually get a kick out of what you are willing to say since you don't have to attach your name. You have not beaten me. If you had, I would no longer accept anonymous comments, or I would make my blogs completely private. Have a nice day.

PS - I'm getting ready for a relaxing weekend. I think I'll try to stay offline this weekend. If you don't see your comment published for a few days, don't panic. I'll do that when I get back online on Monday.


  1. Savannah your pain is definately real. Don't let anyone tell you it's not. It's a lot like having a miscarriage when your twenty plus weeks along. The difference is that you know that baby is still out there and that hurts. Although I don't think I will ever know how you feel my heart goes out to you in your pain. God still loves you Savannah. He has you in the palm of his hand and he is counting every tear. You will make it and some day you'll be able to look back and understand why this has happened. You ARE wonderful Savannah. :)

  2. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of everything else we deal with in the infertile world. My best advice would be to lean on Josh. He sure loves you and remember everyone who loves you regardless of your motherhood status and that includes me!

  3. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong, and don't ever think that you did. I don't know why things didn't work out with Celeste.

    Don't ever apologize for feeling what you feel, or think that you need to hide it. Your story is important. You are allowed to grieve. You need to grieve!

    There aren't any words that make any of it better, or even okay. All I can say is that I am so sorry, and that you are in my prayers.

  4. You have every right to feel sad about your missed opportunity. The birtparents that we were involved with in our failed placement actually felt worse about our profile being down for three months. They didn't seem to understand what we were really sad about. Please don't feel bad if you have to be "numb" for awhile to get a hold of your feelings. A lot of us love you guys and are here for you when you need it.


  5. I kept thinking that her due date was coming up soon. Sometimes when I read your posts about this situation it feels similar to the words I hear in regards to miscarriages. However, I am thinking it may be worse in some ways because you know that the baby is alive and will have a life with someone else. You'll always have that what if in your mind. I don't know what the answer is. Just know we put both of your names on the prayer rolls of the temple and other local church's prayer rolls.

  6. I hate when annonymous people comment on blogs. Can't they be brave enough to at least put who they are? Lame.
    Anyway, you have every right to mourn. It is a loss. A very real loss that you have to go through mourning for. Hang in there. You are strong and amazing. I often ask God "why" in my own life when things aren't going as I wish they would, or when I just don't understand. I still don't understand a lot of things, and I will have a lot of questions to ask after this life :-) These are normal things to be feeling, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

  7. Hey Savannah..
    I know how you feel.. It's funny how everyone says, 'Girls are wired to have babies,' 'It's natural'!
    Yeah right.. It's not natural for someone who never gets their period to have babies..
    I've never had my period.
    When I was 13 - 17 years old, I was on estrogen and provera. I had no clue why I was on them. The Dr. never told me, neither did my parents. I noticed the pills were making me fat, so I stopped taking them.
    So from 18 - 28, I had about 5 natural periods. At the time, I never thought anything of it. I enjoyed not having my periods!! At the time, there was no future husband for me, so I figured I'd enjoy not having a period.
    Well, now I'm 31, been married for 2 years. I had a Dr. appoitment 2 years ago.
    My Dr. could give a rats a$$ that I couldn't have kids. He had no sympathy for me whatsoever. I asked if I could go on any pills to help me conceive. He flat out told me that my ovaries were way too small and that I lacked a lot of estrogen.
    I was hurt by my Dr.
    He didn't offer anything for me. I know I should see a specialist or a gyno, but I'm so hurt by the way my Dr. couldn't care.
    It sucks how people who don't want babies are so fertile, and they have like 8 kids.
    Then, the people who would die to have children, can't.. And I hate how my siblings could care less.. My sisters have 2 kids.. And they never wanted kids.. Now everytime my siters were pregnant, they would 'gloat' right in front of me.
    It feels like I'm suffocating.. It feels like my heart is bleeding... It feels like I'm no good for anything.. Sometimes I wonder I was born.. Why did God take away my dream is a child?