Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm Feeling Unsettled

That isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just makes my life hard.
I started to feel this way back in 2005. (Wow, has it been that long?)
That was when we decided we were ready to start a family. (See my Infertility history for details) My solution to that was PRAYER. I strongly believed that prayer was the answer to EVERYTHING. Now, I have a better understanding of how sometime we need to pray like God is in control, but also work like everything depends on us. I also learned that praying for what I WANT doesn't work,
unless it is also what GOD HAS PLANNED for me. But at that time that I felt that was all I needed to do.
Then I became desperate and started going to the doctor. I never felt peace during that time. There was so much stress. Start period, count this many days, start pills. Wait this many days. Take a pregnancy test; wait 3-5 minutes. BIG UGLY NEGATIVE. Return to start, do not collect a baby, and try again. It has been the most painful part of my life since I got married. And poor Josh stood by me through the entire thing. Or rather HE HELD ME the entire time.
THEN CAME THE PEACE. I had no idea that being told we couldn't have children would be so wonderful. The stress was just suddenly gone. I wasn't worried anymore. I felt relief.
Just the other day I realized that not once in the last two years have I missed a period and thought "oh, maybe I'm pregnant." There is NO TRUTH to it when people tell you "to just relax, and it will happen." I have never been so relaxed in my life!
When we started our paperwork we would work on it here and there, but I didn't feel a lot of pressure from myself to get it done. (Well that and it was like eating an elephant! You have to do it one bite at a time.)
In December 2007, I started to feel unsettled again so we finished the paperwork up and had our home study. When we got our approval letter, I relaxed again. I knew we needed a website, but it just wasn't a priority. I worked on it here and there, but was never happy with it so I just let it go.
Last October I had a brief moment of panic and finally got our website up. We talked about paying for an additional profile with, but once again I just worked on it here and there when I felt like it. It just went online this week.
Don't get me wrong; I WANT TO BE A MOTHER. My life almost feels empty without a child and our home DEFINITELY is empty without a child, but it's been bearable.
Then the uneasy feeling started up again after Christmas. So I pressed forward and finished the other online profile. I really thought after I did that the pressure would GO AWAY.
But it hasn't and it doesn't seem to want to lessen any. Once again, I find myself crying for no reason. My arms have started to have that EMPTY ACHE again.
We are thinking about looking into other adoption agencies. They cost more, but they also have shorter waiting periods. I have a friend that really wants me to use Heart to Heart, but I just found one tonight called A Guardian Angel Adoptions, and I really like what I can see on their website. I'm a little bummed out that we would have to do more paperwork, but theirs doesn't look too bad. I REALLY LIKE that they have no application fee; in fact I don't think we would need to pay anything until we are matched with a birth mother. It almost looks like we can use the home study that LDSFS did and maybe we can even use LDSFS to do our after placement visits that have to be done in the 6 months before finalization. And the BEST PART... they claim that placements can happen in MONTHS. We want to pray about it first, but I think we will be calling them next week to get things started.
It makes me think that maybe I am filling UNSETTLED because our baby is getting close. There could be a mother out there looking for us RIGHT NOW. We just need to place ourselves in the RIGHT PLACE so she can FIND US.

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