I'm Feeling Unsettled

That isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just makes my life hard.

I started to feel this way back in 2005. (Wow, has it been that long?)

That was when we decided we were ready to start a family. (See my Infertility history for details) My solution to that was PRAYER. I strongly believed that prayer was the answer to EVERYTHING. Now, I have a better understanding of how sometime we need to pray like God is in control, but also work like everything depends on us. I also learned that praying for what I WANT doesn't work,

unless it is also what GOD HAS PLANNED for me. But at that time that I felt that was all I needed to do.
Then I became desperate and started going to the doctor. I never felt peace during that time. There was so much stress. Start period, count this many days, start pills. Wait this many days. Take a pregnancy test; wait 3-5 minutes. BIG UGLY NEGATIVE. Return to start, do not collect a baby, and try again. It has been the most painful part of my life since I got married. And poor Josh stood by me through the entire thing. Or rather HE HELD ME the entire time.
THEN CAME THE PEACE. I had no idea that being told we couldn't have children would be so wonderful. The stress was just suddenly gone. I wasn't worried anymore. I felt relief.

Just the other day I realized that not once in the last two years have I missed a period and thought "oh, maybe I'm pregnant." There is NO TRUTH to it when people tell you "to just relax, and it will happen." I have never been so relaxed in my life!
When we started our paperwork we would work on it here and there, but I didn't feel a lot of pressure from myself to get it done. (Well that and it was like eating an elephant! You have to do it one bite at a time.)
In December 2007, I started to feel unsettled again so we finished the paperwork up and had our home study. When we got our approval letter, I relaxed again. I knew we needed a website, but it just wasn't a priority. I worked on it here and there, but was never happy with it so I just let it go.
Last October I had a brief moment of panic and finally got our website up. We talked about paying for an additional profile with ParentProfiles.com, but once again I just worked on it here and there when I felt like it. It just went online this week.
Don't get me wrong; I WANT TO BE A MOTHER. My life almost feels empty without a child and our home DEFINITELY is empty without a child, but it's been bearable.
Then the uneasy feeling started up again after Christmas. So I pressed forward and finished the other online profile. I really thought after I did that the pressure would GO AWAY.
But it hasn't and it doesn't seem to want to lessen any. Once again, I find myself crying for no reason. My arms have started to have that EMPTY ACHE again.

We are thinking about looking into other adoption agencies. They cost more, but they also have shorter waiting periods. I have a friend that really wants me to use Heart to Heart, but I just found one tonight called A Guardian Angel Adoptions, and I really like what I can see on their website. I'm a little bummed out that we would have to do more paperwork, but theirs doesn't look too bad. I REALLY LIKE that they have no application fee; in fact I don't think we would need to pay anything until we are matched with a birth mother. It almost looks like we can use the home study that LDSFS did and maybe we can even use LDSFS to do our after placement visits that have to be done in the 6 months before finalization. And the BEST PART... they claim that placements can happen in MONTHS. We want to pray about it first, but I think we will be calling them next week to get things started.

It makes me think that maybe I am filling UNSETTLED because our baby is getting close. There could be a mother out there looking for us RIGHT NOW. We just need to place ourselves in the RIGHT PLACE so she can FIND US.

I keep going back to these comments

As I have struggled this month to realize that we have been approved for a year I have had some wonderful people tell me things and I find myself going back to their comments often because they give me peace of mind. This first comment is from a blog I follow. This family has adopted 3 children from different countries in the world and are currently trying to adopt one more. Last week I asked her how they had been able to afford it. I am now very humbled because I think our adoption will cost pennies compared to what they have had to spend, but then again that is why we chose our agency. Her website is www.manytimesblessed.blogspot.com, but I want to post the words she said at the very end that really touched my heart.

"In the same way, I truly, completely believe that if God leads any of you to adopt that He is going to provide the resources to do it. God doesn't lead us to something and then abandon us. He walks with us every single step of the way. He doesn't start things that He doesn't finish. If you feel led to adopt, don't look at the price tag - look at your God and ask Him for direction. He will give it and He will work out the details."

The other comment I wanted to post was said in one of our discussions of my LDS Adoptive Parents support group. Another gal had started this discussion because she was feeling frustrated over how little progress they have made. Of course I had to join in and say "me too!"I am actually posting the comment that was made more towards her, but I think I needed to hear it too. The comment was made by another member of this group who also lives in Utah and they have 2 kids.

"I think in almost every adoption journey there comes the time we have to stop "doing" and just put it in the Lord's hands. I'm not saying this is the time for you, (name removed), because I don't know. But I do think there can be such an emphasis on "finding" and being proactive that we can forget this this is all in the Lord's time. This is the very hardest lesson to learn. I know for me, I thought adoption would be the answer to all my troubles of not being able to conceive. I did not expect that adopting would turn out to be just as great a trial and test of faith, but it was. (We waited two years for our first child.) It is very hard to balance making sure we are putting forth the effort to help things happen and also being in that emotional and spiritual place of "being still" and giving up control. I don't even think there are words to express how hard this is! I know that, for me, there came a point when I knew that it was time to stop praying frantically for our baby to come and really, truly submit to the Lord's will, even if it meant never having a child. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and blessedly, our baby arrived very shortly after that. But the thing about this kind of submission and sacrifice is that there are no promises...you do not know for sure what's around the corner, that's part of the test.

I think you have to take a step back and listen very carefully to the spirit and try to discern what it is telling you: try another avenue to make your adoption happen? or find peace in knowing you've done everything the Lord wants you to do at that point and then letting the Him take care of it?"

I think I need to take a few days and really study out the above thoughts. Every time I work on our online profiles I get frustrated. I usually think it because I feel like "what's the point?" but now I am starting to think that maybe I still have never completely turned this over to my Heavenly Father. I know that He knows what is in store for our family, but maybe I need to change my prayers from "I think I'm ready" to "I know it is in Your hands."

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1 comments:

Teah said...

Ya know Savannah I think that those comments could be applied to all our lives. It really is necessary to place our faith in our Heavenly Father and know that what he has in store for us is better then we could ever have imagined. For Some people it may be children, others it maybe a safe home, or a stable job. Sometimes the path that we want to follow is not necessarily the one God intended. We just have to have Faith that God is in control and that he loves us and will do what is best for us as long as we do our part.

January 20, 2009 2:34 PM

Dear Infertility

I do not appreciate you trying to sneak into my heart when things are going so well for me.
I do not appreciate how every time I try to work on our online profiles, you make me feel like crying.
I do not appreciate how you make me cry for no reason when I am trying to drive home.
I do not like how when you put me in a bad mood I end up hurting the feelings of those I love.
I do not like it when you try to remind me of the only dream I used to have each time I thought about being pregnant. I will never be so heavy with child that I won't be able to help my husband with the wood pile so quit trying to remind me of how I used to daydream about that.
On the other hand,
I am grateful that because of you, my husband and I have been able to enjoy several years together being just the two of us.
I am grateful to not be alone in this struggle and for the many wonderful people you have introduced me to.
I am grateful that, because of you, we get to adopt.
I am grateful for the growing I have been able to do because of the hard time you have put me through.
Now please go away and leave me alone!
P.S. Josh says thank you for visiting while he was in class. Not only did he get to avoid the crying, but he now gets to enjoy the laboring I put into cooking while I was ignoring you.

Inspirational Poem

I found this poem today and it exactly describes my life that past 3 years.

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God, because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him, in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do? You never did let go."