Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Unchosen, Part 2

In all the classes we had attended, they try to prepare you for the possibility a birthmom may change her mind. Adoption is HER decision. She can change her mind at any second. It is always a possibility. Love as much as you can, but be careful because it can end at any moment. The thing they never mentioned was that the birthmom might decide to choose another couple. That is what caught us off guard.

We had no idea how to deal with what had happened. We had only been prepared for her to decide to parent on our own. She would have been an awesome mom and her mom was willing to help her. We were prepared for that. Having her choose someone else came out of no where.

I remember feeling like my baby had died. But she hadn't; now she was just going to someone else. I tried to express this thought online and ended up in a fight with random strangers in a chat forum. They argued she was never my baby to begin with. On the one hand, they were right. But once we were chosen, we feel in love with a little girl that wasn't even born yet. We had a name picked out. We were making plans. In our hearts, she was our baby.

When we were unchosen, all of those plans and dreams died. I even became jealous of those who miscarry during a pregnancy. At least they were still able to consider that baby their own. I didn't even have that. The best way I can describe it was our baby died, but there was no body, so there was no way to find closure for what happened.

I'm not sure if the internet is a blessing or a curse. Within a few days, I knew who the new parents were. While trying to analyze what was wrong with us, I remember thinking things like, "maybe I'm too fat?" "Maybe we don't live close enough?" "Maybe its because we will both continue work after the baby is born?"

When I found the new couple, they really weren't that different from us. They looked just like the other countless couples who were looking to adopt. Seeing a picture of them just left me with more questions.

The next several months dragged by. Each day was a struggle. At times, I would have to remind myself to just breathe in and breathe out. I could barely function past that.

To complicate things, my sister was pregnant at the same time. Her baby's due date was a week after our almost baby. It was impossible to forget about our loss, because something so similar was right before me.

I remember my mom would call and say something about my sister's pregnancy and I would bawl afterwards. I really didn't care if she might have to go on bed rest; she was still going to have her baby. My baby was gone, I couldn't make myself care about anyone else, especially if they were having a baby. It was like driving a dagger further into my wounds.

When they started planning the baby shower, I couldn't let myself be a part of it. It was just too much. I couldn't sit in a room full of people and answer questions about why my younger sister was having a baby while we were still childless.  I knew I couldn't trust myself to stay calm. I had once attended a baby shower when I wasn't in the right state of mind and it was a disaster. I was not doing that again, not with our loss still being so fresh. A few days before, I took my sister to lunch and told her I couldn't come. I was trying to be happy for her, but it was just too hard. I was still grieving for my loss.

As the due date loomed nearer, my online stalking intensified. I was obsessed with knowing what was going on. I'm not sure what I was hoping to find, or what would happened. But I just kept watch on the situation.

A few weeks before the due date, I saw a Facebook post. The adoptive couple had received a phone call the baby might be coming, so they started their long drive, only to get half way there and get another phone call it was a false alarm.

At that point, I almost wished the baby would come. I couldn't move on until the baby was born and placed. I knew the chances were impossible that she would change her mind, but I needed it to be final before I could move on.

At the end of May, a friend invited me on a girl's weekend. She too was dealing with grief. She had a foster care placement and had received word they would be going home soon. So we went to Idaho to escape. I prayed and prayed the baby would come that weekend while I away. But she didn't.

1 comment:

  1. The only thing that would have made the girls trip better is if the other girls weren't skinny...