Monday, March 23, 2015


Josh's grandpa passed away this weekend. Through it, I have learned that both he and I handle grief very differently from the most of the world. Each time we go through something hard, we just want to be in each others arms.

This realization started earlier last month when my brother was in the hospital. I tried to be there with my family, but really, I just wanted to be alone with my husband. He is my safe place. In his arms, I could cry.

Its been the same way the past few days. I kept telling him it was okay to go be with his family. He told me that I was all he needed.

Maybe its because of our infertility struggle that we seek comfort only from each other. At first, when we were trying to get pregnant, we kept that to ourselves. We didn't open up about our struggles to anyone, not even family. Through that, we learned to lean on and support each other.

Then, when we were unchosen, each other was all we had. I think because of that, we have created our own grief bubble. Infertility has been a rocky journey, but I'm so grateful that I had Josh by my side through all of it. It has brought us closer.

His grandparents were amazing people. I'm glad they are together again. Eight years ago, when grandma passed away, I was devastated she would never get to hold my children. It felt like I was mourning more than just her death, but also, the loss of what could have been.

The grief process has been very different for me with grandpa. It has been easier to focus on the happy memories. I don't feel like the world is going to end because he didn't get to hold my babies.

Its also served as a great reminder that Josh is all I have. When I think about grandma and grandpa, I think about how much they loved each other, even after 67 years. I hope that will be us someday.


  1. I think that will be you and Josh after 67 years. You guys have a wonderful foundation <3

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that your relationship is strong and that you have each other to lean on. Hubs and I have a similar relationship. There are very few parts of infertility that I am thankful for, but how it strengthened my relationship with my husband is one of those things.

  3. I think we are the same. I remember when I suspected I was going to lose my second pregnancy. We were at my parents place, with my sister, for Christmas. I didn't want to be with my family - all I wanted was to beer home, just the two of us. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you could focus on the happy memories.

  4. I'm sorry for your and Josh's loss.

    I don't know what things are like with your family, but sometimes you just need someone you can be real and vulnerable with.

  5. A nice balance to the post on your other blog. I think it's interesting to see that pattern repeating -- you and Josh justaposed with his grandparents.