Our "almost" birth mom has been on my mind a lot. Tomorrow she graduates from high school. I keep thinking how usually when someone graduates you assume things like, "Now they are grown up" or "Welcome to the real world." But those just don't see to apply to C. She grew up two years ago. When we met her, she was 16. Even then I was impressed with how mature she was. How caring she was. How much she loved her unborn child. So much so, that she made the ultimate sacrifice. Not many 16 year olds could do that. I'm not going to make comparisons, but I am sometimes in awe that I have a brother only a year younger then her, yet he acts no where near as grown up as her.

I can't imagine how many nights she has cried. How many times she has wondered if she has anything left to live for. I just can't comprehend that pain. I look at the birth mom's I've come to know and each one of them amazes me. Sometimes I want to tell them, "you don't have to keep on the happy face and pretend that all is right with the world. I'm sorry people don't notice you like they should." I hate how people assume they are sluts with horrid lifestyles, because that is just the opposite. They are loving people, more so then others because they choose to put their babies futures before their happiness.

Over the last few months, I've learned just how quickly people like to judge others. Point out their faults and tell them how they are not a good person. Its been very eye opening. So many people assume if you aren't just like them, you aren't as good as them. I think people do this simply because, they are trying to hide their faults. Get everybody to look away from them. Cause let's face it, we're all human and not a single one of us is perfect.

Dear C, I wish you all the happiness in the world, but also the strength you need for the times when life is low. When things are tough, I wish for you to be able to find peace. I don't need to wish you luck in the "real" world cause you've already grown up. I wish that someday you will be so blessed that your pain is a distant memory. Not your birth daughter, she will always be a peace of your heart. Just the pain that makes you cry. Wishing you all the love in the world. Love Savannah

When there are no words...

My very dear friend lost her foster baby today. After raising him and loving him for five months, he is gone. This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby. This is about how life sucks for her. I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away. But I know they don't exist.

I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen, because she got to hold this baby. Feed him. Rock him to sleep. He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being, well, not the mommy. And that sucks. I keep thinking back to my pain thinking, "What took it away from us? What made it better?'

The problem is that there are no words to describe her pain and her loss. Therefore, there are no words of comfort I can magically say to make it all better.

Don't look for the time when it gets better cause you can't see that from here. I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning. I thought the world should stop for my pain, but it didn't. Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it. When others ignore your pain, try to not take is personally; sometimes they don't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all.

I love you B & K and I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel your grief as it comes and hold tight to each other.