Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm still here

To post or not to post, that has been the dilemma. I start a post and then it becomes too personal so I end up putting it in my journal instead.

So I guess the short version is: most days are fine. For the most part, I am at peace. But infertility is not something you can ever recover from or get over, so that means I still have bad days. I will always have bad days. The problem is I only feel like posting on those bad days, but after writing out my feelings I can't share it.

I think of the "what if" occasionally, but not obsessively like I used to. The first Sunday in church after the baby was born all I could think was "I shouldn't be here." And it was so frustrating because no one knew. The next day I had to celebrate a birth, all the time knowing that the baby I had dreamt about was being placed in the arms of another couple. I hate how infertility makes you plaster on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong, even when you feel your heart breaking inside.

Now my thought only dwell on the "what if" when things are brought to my attention, so I avoid those situations. Some may call in denial (and they might be right), but I call it self preservation. I know what I can and can't handle and I don't push myself past that point. Its hard to establish that point, because it affects others, but I've decided my own sanity is more important then what they think of me.

A while back I realized that adoption is no longer my heart, at least not like it used to be. Adoption is a part of my heart, but not my entire heart anymore. I'm not sure what that means for our future. For now, we are okay with how things are. We're not sure what the future holds, but we are not going to worry about it. Our new motto is "Find joy in the journey...now."

Am I happy? Yes, I am. Josh and I have been able to take a great relationship and make it even better. Our family may be small, but we are still a family and we try to celebrate that every day. Each day I am amazed at how much our love has grown. Next month marks our 12th anniversary since our first date. Every day he amazes me. Because of him, my heart is full.


  1. Savannah,

    We have had 2 failed placements and heartbreaks with adoption as well. I have a strong testimony of it and would recommend it to anyone. But do i think it is right for me anymore?...no, I don't. I think that the Lord guides our hearts in many directions, sometimes ones that seem like a detour but are actually taking us to places that we need to be. MY sister had a failed placement last year. It broke her heart. She was unchosen as well. Throughout the whole thing she never once felt that going down that path was wrong. She is now, because of that experience, going through invitro and hopefully will figure out this infertility stuff once and for all. Mostly hon, just know there are people out there who love you and know how you feel and really wish the best for your journey. i am one of those people. I love you and i haven't even met you. Feel how you need to feel, take all the time you want and need, and most of all be true to yourself and to your inspiration, cause you are the only one who can be inspired for your situation.

    sending much love your way,


  2. I love how you said how infertility makes us put up a face..... seriously that is how I have been feeling. So many people don't know the sorrow I feel.... how when they talk about how horrible their pregnancies are and would rather adopt than have to deal with pregnancy again how a rage builds up inside of me but I have to hide it. I am SO grateful I started writing in my blog and came to know others dealing with infertility it really helps me feel I am not a lone and that I have friends out there that DO understand. Even though I haven't ever met any of them yet I feel close and connected to them.
    Its ok to have bad days... everybody does.
    I agree that what ifs are everywhere...its like you want to ask them but then it brings so much pain. I have been asking myself that a lot lately due to my recent miscarriage... if only I had taken a pregnancy test.. if only I would have gone to a doctor sooner....but it hurts when I focus on that so instead I push it out of my mind. Like you I know what I can and can't handle. I think though pushing those thoughts out of our minds isnt always a bad thing but a liberating thing. I was doing so well because anytime a bad thought came in my head I would push it out and focus on something positive...it really helped me a lot. I need to start doing that again. Thanks for your posts. You are in my thoughts!

  3. Right now I'm grateful for you in my life and who knows, maybe if we had been able to have babies, that wouldn't have happened. Thanks for the post, it's always nice to know that others feel the same as me. Love you!

  4. Savannah, I'm so glad you let us into your heart, and that you let me read your blog. You are such an inspiration here, and on 2ofus4now. Thank you so much!

  5. Ok this seriously was perfectly written.

    Just know that you are helping others not feel alone. A few weeks ago I sat in Relief Society and thought, "If I hadn't had a miscarriage my baby would be going to nursery today for the first time." The thought LITERALLY came out of no where. And then it made me play the game of closing my eyes as hard and tight as possible so no one would know I was about to burst into tears. No one in my ward even knows I had that miscarriage because I didn't live there when it happened. No one had a clue, yet in the back row of relief society I was struggling with a horrible terrible no good thing.
    You're not alone! Thank you for sharing!

  6. Savannah...I can totally relate to so much of what you write...and it helps me so much in return. It just feels nice to know that what I am feeling is normal! I know you are helping so many out there just as you have helped/and are helping me. Keep writing. You are a wonderful writer and there have been so many times I have been so grateful that you have let me (us) into your heart. Sending huge HUGS your way and I hope you will be able to feel more and more peace each and every day. You're amazing....

  7. Hey!! I just wanted to let you know that I made a link on my blog to one of your posts. It's one of my very favorites and I think it will help many out there in blogland!

  8. I found your blog because I was searching for the lyrics to Stay with Me, but for a totally different reason. This time.

    There was time many years ago when I felt the words to that song so deeply, I thought it might not ever stop hurting, just like when I found out even years earlier some of the same things you have experienced. I'm not sure the pain ever truly goes away, but it doesn't consume me anymore. I hope you will be able to reach that peace, regardless of how your story goes.

    My heart goes out to you because I understand everything you've been through. And everything you will continue to go through, with or without adoption... I'm glad you have so many other bloggers who share your feelings and your struggles. When I was going through it, there was no internet. How awesome it would have been to have others in church who understand and reach out rather than judge.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  9. Sorry it's been so long I havn't been on in a while and now catching up. But I remeber being in that place where you are sick of plastering a big fake smile on your face all the time and trying to pretend infront of everyone that you are okay. It really does seem to eat you up in side I know at least for me it did then I would find my self either crying later or getting soemthing to drink to calm down. It is hard but I am happy to hear you are happy and still have your positive attitude still in tact that is hard. I wish you the best in what ever you do

  10. Sending you and Josh hugs, I know it might not help considering but I think of you often and hope you are well