Monday, August 2, 2010

What if?

This year, Josh and I decided we would not attend the Families Supporting Adoption Conference. We have attended the last three years, and have loved it each year, but each year we've always thought, "next year we won't still be looking."

I thought I would miss it. I thought Friday morning I would wake up in a panic, pack a bag, head out to Layton and hope to find a hotel to stay in. But Friday came, and that panic did not set in. Sure, I missed it, but mostly I just missed the friends I have made there. The friends I met last year and planned to meet again this year. The friends I have made on-line this last year and hoped to meet in person while there this year.

We have reached a new level of peace in our family building. We are okay with how things are. Feeling like I could miss conference has just helped add to the peace I have found lately.

Two months ago I started a blog post, but it never got past the draft stages. Here is part of it:

"I'm tired. I'm broken. For now, I am done.
Done with the waiting. Done with the hoping. Done with the looking."
Most days I still feel broken. But that's because I am. My body doesn't work. As a woman, I'm designed to create babies, but my body won't let me. I guess because of that, I will always be broken. Infertility will always be a part of me. I have fought against it for years, but its something I will never be able to change. There are dreams that will never come true.
Some days, I feel the same about adoption. All the waiting. All the hoping. All the heartache. All the unanswered questions and unanswered prayers.
I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of the unknown. Tired of the things I can't control or change.
A few months ago, we took on a new outlook on life. What if we never become parents? What if we are wasting all this time on something that may never happen. What if we loose ourselves so completely in the waiting game, that we loose each other? What about all the other stuff we've wanted to do with our lives? Things we can do now.
So what if we never become parents? Is that so bad? We married because we loved each other. That has never changed. We didn't marry each other because we thought we would make beautiful babies. We married because we wanted to spend the rest of eternity with each other.
What does all of this mean about our future family building? I'm not sure yet. I just know I am ready to start living a new way. I want to enjoy each moment. Not spend each moment going, "Nope, can't do/spend/plan that because what if we get chosen?" If it is going to be just the two of us, then we are going to live it the best way we can.

14 comments:

  1. Savannah,
    I shed some tears reading this post. Mostly because you put into words what I have been feeling as well. I feel like I die a little every time I hear of another person getting pregnant, others I know getting chosen within a few months or even weeks after getting their profile up. How much is too much? How long do we fight? How long do we keep the stiff upper lip about all this? I know we don't know each other that well, but you have been in my thoughts. I pray that you will find peace in what ever you decide for your family.
    Much love and peace,
    Tammy

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  2. Savannah, I'm so glad we met online! You are so sweet and your spirit is amazing. I wish you all the best!

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  3. Oh honey! I know that this place almost sucks but I know from experience that your love for your husband and his for you will grow emensly from this decision to work on just you for awhile.

    Everyone was so critical of our cruise but it was just what the doctor ordered and I would never give that time up for a million babies.

    Remember you have friends who love you. I love you and was sad I couldn't meet you but sometimes soon. Soon.

    {{hugs}}

    Kell

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  4. Wow, what an amazing post. I really don't even know what to write, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and glad you are my friend. Glad you decided to give yourself more!!

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  5. Wow! The lines you wrote: "We didn't marry each other because we thought we would make beautiful babies. We married because we wanted to spend the rest of eternity with each other" seriously just brought me to tears.

    I needed to hear that today.

    Thank you!

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  6. Waiting is excruciating. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy. Everything else will fall into place.

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  7. Savannah, everytime I read your blog I am filled with the spirit. I can't even explain it, but I feel so much love for you and your husband. I love what you wrote about losing each other while waiting. We all know the eternal plan and we are given obstacle to try to break us up. Thank you for your words and I'm so glad we met and are friends. I hope someday we can meet in person!

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  8. Sorry this is so late Savannah but I never saw this come up on my view until I started looking through the bloggs. My heart breaks for you. I know you are kind of giving up hope. This is where you are do you want to keep trying or stop trying? I know if you want it bad enough it will happen. You can look down different avenues. You can look at your local DHS to see if you can foster to adopt a baby if a baby is what you desire. They do terminate right on parents for babies when it is there 5th or 6 th baby and rights have been terminated on the other kids. I know that is an avenue. You can go on youtube and post about yourselves and your life. I have seen a bunch of them and people who walked away with a baby. You can try a differnt agency but that would cost money. This is truly your desision and only yours but I personaly don't want to see you give up. I know you two would make wonderful parents and you would be truly happy. As hard as it seems I know if you want it in your heart bad enough you will get it. I just really want you to be happy that is all. :) I hope you find peace in your decision

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  9. One more thought...have you considered using a facilitator? It's less expensive than an agency because they can help you find a match with an expecting mother who is not using an agency or attorney. You could still go thru ldsfs to do the legal work. Email me if you want more info because I have lots of info. And right now there is a situation on www.adoptlink.com/domestic_grid.htm of a one month old baby boy you could try to adopt thru the facilatator and use ldsfs.

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  10. I could have written that post back in 2007 at the end of our infertility struggle. I had simply HAD ENOUGH! I NEVER want to be pregnant or do another infertility treatment again. I wasted a DECADE of my life and marriage in tears, heartache and self inflicted misery.

    I say, take that vacation, spend that time together, revel in your love and marriage. Go on that week-end getaway, buy that bedspread and make your bedroom look like a swanky bed and breakfast.

    I also have to say that you are young. As much as you DON'T want to read it. My husband didn't become a father until he was 40! I am just saying, don't completely shut the door. Take the time you need to just be the two of you. I think reaching this stage of acceptance is very healing. I KNOW you have been married a long time but you married REALLY young. I also KNOW that living in UTAH is different. If you aren't married with 5 kids by the time you are 26 you are a failure. When we were out there people asked if Elora was Brian's GRANDDAUGHTER! I guess it is possible but out in the world outside of mormonville many people do not have their kids until their mid to late thirties or even forties.
    I don't feel that the way is shut forever for you. I am not giving up for you guys yet. However, God could be saying just not now. For whatever reason the time is just not right for you guys. I don't know why and I don't know when it will end. I do know couples that have FORCED the issue to the point of adopting children they regret adoption. Sorry- I am no super hero, I don't want to adopt older kids, or children with special needs. I would rather be childless then ruin my marriage because I was so desperate to have kids I went against my better judgement and my personal revelation. (Some people do get that personal revelation to adopt older, special need kids- I haven't)As for adopting from the foster care system YOU may get a newborn but if you go with older kids you have to be careful about your nephews. Because Brian has worked for the state we know of MANY, many stories of children that were molested because their parents or their relative adopted an older child from the foster care system. We know families that have been destroyed because of it. I know a few families that it has worked out well for but they are the exception to the rule. When he worked for DCFS in the juvenile prison over 70% of the kids there had been in foster care. JV was know as the failure of the foster care system.
    You may be taking the road less traveled but you have an awesome travel companion. I can really sense the love you have for each other. That is very special and should be treasured.

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  11. Have you ever read the talk "Just the Two of Us For Now" by Ardeth Kapp? It helps me in my own infertility struggle.

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  12. Hey Hey,
    I stumbled over your blog today and I just had to tell you I'm enjoying your blog. Your awesome. I became a follower and I'm looking forward to keeping up and leaving comments. I hope you will check out my blog, and become a follower. I have a button, and I'd like to add you to my blog roll. I hope you have a lovely weekend. God Bless You and Yours

    http://diaryofhappilyeverafter.blogspot.com/

    Love,
    Jess

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  13. Just found your blog from rhouse. I have a friend who started this website as a support resource and thought perhaps you might be interested in it: http://childlessmormons.yolasite.com/
    -Michelle (not a mean anon.!)

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