Like the other morning, while I was doing my hair, this is what played out in my head between myself and an imaginary person.
Them: "You don't know what its like to expect a baby."
Me: "Um, yes, I kinda do. I know I never had one grow in my belly, but you've forgotten, we were chosen once and almost had a baby girl."
Them: "That's not the same. You don't understand the stress of it all."
Me: "What, you mean how it can end badly?"
Then my brain switched gears. Imaginary's friend has now lost their baby.
Them: "You have no idea the loss they are feeling."
Me: "What, like planning a nursery and picking out a name and loving an unborn child so much your heart felt like it could burst?"
Them: "Well, still, you will never get it."
Me: "I had a name picked out for our little girl! Did you even know that? Or have you just forgotten about what I went through!"
At this point, I'm so mad I can hardly think. I'm now in a sour mood that is going to last all day, simply because of something I made up in my head.
That afternoon, while I was still stewing over it, I realized, I do this ALL.THE.TIME.
I am always thinking too hard and busy coming up with situations. And usually, they are sad or angry situations. And I let them consume me.
When I was going to therapy, they tried to get me to do quite thinking. You just sit and turn the noise off in your head. I tried concentrating on just a sound or a smell, etc. The goal was a minute, than the hope I would work up to 5 minutes. I could never make it past 15 seconds before the gears were spinning out of control. I simply just can't turn off my thoughts.
I think the closest I came was during a bad day at work. I don't remember what happened, but I went to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. In there, I could hear something, like the furnace or something in the room next to me. I just sat and concentrated on that noise. Then, I started to cry. I quickly stopped, because I was at work.
I think I do a lot of damage to myself and those around me because I can't turn my thoughts off. I don't know what people think of me, or a situation, and I just quickly start to make stuff up in my head. Before long, I'm all defensive and bitter. All because of something I imagined.
I'm having a really hard time right now. But I have to stop and wonder just how much of it is stuff I'm making up in my head.
I try to make up good situations too, but those never play out. I always find a way to turn them into something negative.
I am really stressed about the upcoming months. But how much of it is just made up stress? I wish I could escape the thoughts of my head and just be. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
But then I remember situations, both real and made up, and I just quickly retreat back inside my head.
Maybe its because its safer in there. I can control everything. Maybe its because I can stand up for myself in there and speak my mind. I can pretend that everyone gets me, or just not care when they don't.
I can't decide if its safer in my head or doing me more damage.
I don't know how to survive the next few months. At times, I want to be in the middle and be a big part of it. At others, I just want to hide in a corner and be ignored. I don't think my heart can take anymore of the pressure and pain, but I don't have a choice. Life goes on whether you want it to stop or not.
Maybe if I could just silence the voices in my head it wouldn't be so hard. But I've tried, for YEARS. This is something that has plagued me my ENTIRE life. Why can't I just let myself be at peace?
