Last week I paused in my waiting to become to a mother to remind myself that even though I don't care for the wait, at least I am beyond that "monthly meltdown". No more pregnancy test = no more negative pregnancy tests. My stress and depression was so greatly reduced when we realized a pregnancy was not meant to be. I don't miss that. When trying to conceive that four week wait was killer! Am I pregnant? My period is two days late, does that mean something? Oh, how I HATED those moments. Infertility literally tears a person apart as they wait for those two little lines or the plus sign to appear.
Sure, we have waited 21 (gulp) months, but not once in that time have I had to break down and cry because once again I'm not pregnant. With our adoption wait the time seems to pass differently. It's not like it's a more pleasant wait, because it isn't, but at least I don't have a mental and emotional breakdown every 4 weeks.
So back to today. I didn't know how to react when I went to the doctor. I walked in and there was 7 very pregnant bellies staring at me. Do I sit by the door so everyone coming and leaving walks past me, their belly eye level with me, or do I sit at the front and face the same dilemma? Sadly, there was not a lot of room and I sat right under the TV so they all stared at me. It wasn't traumatic to me, just odd.
But it reminded me of all my friends still trying to conceive, they are still living that nightmare of month to month negative tests. Maybe I needed that little reminder to humble me and remind me that even though I am at peace, some of my friends aren't. My heart goes out for you and you are in my daily prayers. And I can say that with full conviction, because I've been there.
The funny ending to my appointment was my doctor tried to suggest Clomid and I immediately said no because I've heard how horrible that stuff can be. When I tried to explain our zero sperm count, he suggested a donor. I'm so glad that I am in a comfortable place that I knew the answer without even having to think about it. I know for us, personally, adoption is our answer. But I'm also glad to know I have a new, caring doctor.
