The little things

My purse feel apart a few weeks ago. It had been hanging by a thread for quite some time. I loved this purse, Zipper loved to chew on this purse and that is the reason for its demise.

I can't bring myself to go buy another purse. A few months ago when I noticed its condition I decided I would tough it out until this summer. Then I would need a diaper bag and I could just carry my wallet in it.

I don't need a diaper bag anymore...

I am amazed at how the little things, like a purse, remind me that I'm not going to be a mom this summer.

We have talked about letting Ally have kittens this summer, but I didn't want to have kittens at the same time we had a baby. We think she is pregnant now and they can't come fast enough. I need a distraction and her belly isn't even growing yet.

I think about taking a day off of work and I won't because I was saving all my time for when the baby came.

I'm not even going to mention the baby shower invites.

I wish every little thing didn't remind me I'm not going to be a mom this summer.

He Lives!

Every day is a new struggle. Why did we wait so long to just be looked at? (We started the adoption process three years ago.) In September of 2009, we had the chance to visit with a young mother on the phone. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let this work for our family, knowing the entire time that it wasn't our baby. I remember the next morning posting on Facebook, "Its still early in the morning, but already I know the answer is no, and it breaks my heart."

Why was it so clear then that that situation wouldn't work out, but why did everything with C feel so different, like it would work out? Why were we chosen, only to later be unchosen? So many questions, and still not many answers. I think I'm okay with how things turned out with C, things happen and minds change. I understand that. But now my questions are for my Heavenly Father. Why must I suffer this heart break? Why after so much yearning, am I still childless? Why did we come so close, only to be so far again?

Today, comfort came in the form of a Swaperoos gift. I was in tears before I left the Post Office.

A charm from my favorite Etsy Store.

Last year my Swaperoo partner had a failed placement. I hope it is okay with her if I share part of her message to me.

"Anyway, something I found myself clinging to last Spring was the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives. The lyrics got me through a lot. I knew he could take pain and grief and sorrow from me, but it is a continual process to remember to access the Atonement as you travel down your path laden with twists and turns and roller coaster rides. The first package holds something special I custom ordered for you from The R House Couture (hence the two packages...that one is coming directly from Lindsey). Before you open it, I hope you'll read through the hymn and remember that Spring/Easter is a time of new beginnings and that He lives to take away your pain, wipe your tears away, and silence all your fears. I hope you love it!"

This used to be one of my favorite hymns, I'm surprised I had forgotten it until now. On the drive home, I tried to sing it, all I could remember was most of the second verse. Here is the lyrics to the entire song if you're like me and can't remember all of it.

1.

I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives.

He lives, He lives who once was dead.

He lives, my ever living head.

He lives to bless me with his love.

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed.

He lives to bless in time of need.

2.

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my souls complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

3.

He lives, my kind, wise heavenly friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives and while he lives I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

4.

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

When I got home, I remembered a seminary lesson many years ago. This is taken from my seminary journal, November 19, 1999:

"My favorite reason 'He lives' in Hymn #136 is 'He lives to comfort me with faint." I have felt his comfort before, so real that it seemed as if i was in his lap crying and that he was there offering me support and comfort.

Here is my own verse to this hymn -

He lives to hold me when I cry.

He lives to protect me from all lies.

He lives and watches me from above.

He lives and extends me all his love."

I will admit I am weak and I've had my moments when I've wanted to be mad at God. (I will also admit how relieved I was when our caseworker told me all the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.) But I can't be mad at God because I know that He does live, and He does hear my souls complaint. He has comforted me and He has helped calm my troubled heart. I find it odd I only wrote half verse all those years ago. Here is how I would end it:

He lives to grant me daily peace.

He lives, helping to build my eternity.

He lives to tell me if only I could see,

The promises He holds for me.

Thanks for the gift Megan, it was perfect.

For My Broken Heart

Tuesday we were unchosen by our potential birth mom. I was at work when I got the email. I don't remember much more of that day except trying to hide the tears. On Wednesday I woke up to realize it wasn't a bad dream. I figured since the world was still turning, I might as well go to work. I made it through the day, but just barely. The most touching part of the day was when a co worker helped spread the word, so I wouldn't have to.

I don't think I can make it through another day of normalcy. We are taking the rest of the week off and are headed out of town.

Great post on Infertility

A friend of mine wrote a beautiful post about serving infertile people. It has a touching movie on it too. Go check it out on Giving What I Am.

Today's Finding Faith Friday article has really helped me. Lately I have really struggled with the idea of birth grandparents. Not that I don't want them in our lives, I do. What is bothering me, is the thought of them talking their daughter out of adoption.

I know I can't truly understand how tough it must be for them. It must be hard when their child announces they are expecting. But I'm sure with the pain of "What if" and "Why now, like this" there is also the excitement. What parent doesn't get excited after hearing they are going to be a grandparent?

What kind of heartache do they face when their child announces they want to place their child for adoption? I'm sure most parents spend years dreaming about their someday grandchildren and to learn that their grandchild will be placed with another family must be hard.

Today there seems to be so many single mothers raising children and grandparents raising grandchildren. I have a hard time with that. Josh and I believe so strongly in forever families and the importance of a child having a mother and father in their lives. A child raised in a single parent home won't get those eternal blessings that we are striving so hard to provide. Grandparents shouldn't have to raise their grandchildren. They did that once, now their reward should be getting to spoil the grandchildren and then send them home for their parents to raise and discipline.

I should correct myself. I do see a difference between single mothers who conceive out of wedlock and single mothers forced into single motherhood by divorce or death. To me a single mother that chooses to raise her child by herself, loves herself more than her child. I do not feel the same about a single mother through divorce or death. They didn't choose those circumstances. Even in a divorce, I'm sure they didn't marry thinking one day they might have to do it alone. I admire those mother. They didn't choose to be single parents, but now that they are, they do their very best for their children. I know several single mothers (mostly through divorce) and I love and admire them.

I seem to have gotten off track. Right now I am not in an emotionally stable frame of mind when it comes to the birth grandparents. My deepest fear is that when we are chosen she will later change her mind because her parents talk her out of it. It happens all the time. I'm sure this is because they fear losing their grandchild. I understand that.

But I wish I could help them see the beauty of open adoption. They aren't losing a grandchild. They are gaining more family members that will do the very best for that child. They are gaining a loving, stable, environment for their grandchild to grow up in and a forever family in the eternities. There is nothing wrong with having more people love this child.

We are so excited about open adoption and we hope that both birth parents and their parents can be involved in our child's life. I look forward to inviting them to big events like birthday's and baptisms. But right now I am just terrified of them ruining our chances of having a family.

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Maybe I shouldn't even post this, because now I am scared of the backlash. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself.

DeJa Vu?

Today I had to go see the doctor about a PCOS related issue. A few years ago we had a lady doctor move to the area, so I had switched to her, but she moved this spring and referred me back to the OBGYN. I put off this appointment for a little while, mostly because I miss having a Mrs. before the doctor's name.

Last week I paused in my waiting to become to a mother to remind myself that even though I don't care for the wait, at least I am beyond that "monthly meltdown". No more pregnancy test = no more negative pregnancy tests. My stress and depression was so greatly reduced when we realized a pregnancy was not meant to be. I don't miss that. When trying to conceive that four week wait was killer! Am I pregnant? My period is two days late, does that mean something? Oh, how I HATED those moments. Infertility literally tears a person apart as they wait for those two little lines or the plus sign to appear.

Sure, we have waited 21 (gulp) months, but not once in that time have I had to break down and cry because once again I'm not pregnant. With our adoption wait the time seems to pass differently. It's not like it's a more pleasant wait, because it isn't, but at least I don't have a mental and emotional breakdown every 4 weeks.

So back to today. I didn't know how to react when I went to the doctor. I walked in and there was 7 very pregnant bellies staring at me. Do I sit by the door so everyone coming and leaving walks past me, their belly eye level with me, or do I sit at the front and face the same dilemma? Sadly, there was not a lot of room and I sat right under the TV so they all stared at me. It wasn't traumatic to me, just odd.

But it reminded me of all my friends still trying to conceive, they are still living that nightmare of month to month negative tests. Maybe I needed that little reminder to humble me and remind me that even though I am at peace, some of my friends aren't. My heart goes out for you and you are in my daily prayers. And I can say that with full conviction, because I've been there.

The funny ending to my appointment was my doctor tried to suggest Clomid and I immediately said no because I've heard how horrible that stuff can be. When I tried to explain our zero sperm count, he suggested a donor. I'm so glad that I am in a comfortable place that I knew the answer without even having to think about it. I know for us, personally, adoption is our answer. But I'm also glad to know I have a new, caring doctor.

Faith can move mountains

Even though 1 out 6 couples suffer from infertility, it is still a lonely world. It's hard to live in a world when babies continue to enter your life from every direction. It hard to trudge forward with your head held high, when you feel so misunderstood. It's hard to hope on the unknown.

It's just as hard to live as an expectant parent after being approved for adoption. In January 2008 our paperwork was approved and we became a waiting couple. We became expectant parents. We started our own, be it long and drawn out, pregnancy.

I try to not murmur about our trial of infertility. I've tried to remain positive and uplifting to those around me. I've tried to share my excitement, but that's hard to do when there is no end in sight.

Infertility and waiting on adoption is met with lots of advice.

*You just need to relax.

*Be patient, your time will come, it will happen.

*You need to have more faith.

Those three statements are what I dread THE MOST to hear. But they are what I hear the most often. But right now, it's the third one that is troubling me today. "You just need to have more faith."

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we didn't have faith. Each morning I get up and check our adoption email account, hoping to finally see a message. Seventeen times now, I have opened my email to see that I have a new message. Seventeen times I have thought, "What if its another scam?" But, seventeen times I have clicked on new message hoping against the odds. Seventeen times I have been wrong, but I continue to check this email account on a regular basis. Is that not a sign of my faith?

Each day I watch couples with their children and each day I dare to think, "that will be me someday." Is that not faith? Each night I find myself in deep prayer. Praying for our birth parents; for their health, for their comfort, for their love. Each night I pray that our time will come soon that we will become parents. Is that not faith?

Each day I try to hand out our adoption pass along cards. Sometimes I am met with comments that they won't make a difference. Sometimes I am told it's a waste of my efforts. But I continue to hand them out! I feel that even if our cards don't result in a baby for us, if they help a young women choose adoption, than I am making a difference. Is that not faith?

Sometimes I dare to dream big and I start to talk about those dreams, only to to met by opposition. It comes in many forms, but always it is heartbreaking and I promise myself I will not subject myself to that again. And yet, faith lives on, and down the road I start to try to share those dreams once again.

I know these people mean well, and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. I know they say things out of love, I just don't hear it that way.

A week ago I took the biggest leap of faith in regards to our adoption. I told a girl we weren't the parents for her precious baby. Is that not faith? It is so hard to say no. It's hard to think that we could be parents now. But because of my faith, I knew it was what we needed to do. I said no, because I have faith that something better will happen to our family.

I have several friends who are exercising faith while they wait for their families to grow. One friend tried for 18 months to get pregnant. 18 months! I never once would have dreamed of telling her to have more faith. I've had friends struggle to get pregnant and then a few short weeks later have a miscarriage. Would you caution them to have faith? (If you would, than you are not a nice person.)

In our church we are taught that faith CAN move mountains. I've probably heard that a thousand times. And yet, I don't think I've heard that faith WILL move mountains. To me, that is a significant difference. Faith CAN move mountains. If a mountain needs moved, a person can have faith enough to do so. But I don't believe that any faithful person can just move a mountain after having faith to do so. That mountain will move if and when it needs to.

Infertility is our mountain. If my faith alone was enough, then I should have been able to become pregnant. But that was a mountain that didn't need to be moved. It could have, but instead it was a mountain I needed to go over. It's a mountain that needs to stay where it is. My faith could have moved it, but it didn't.

Our adoption wait is our next mountain. I have faith that this mountain can and will be overcome. I also have faith that it will happen on the Lord's timetable, not mine. Even though I continue to pray everyday for our child doesn't mean I lack faith. My prayers are ways of telling my Father that although I am still waiting, I have faith that it can happen. My prayers are said each night so I can feel the peace from my Father in Heaven. My prayers are NOT a lack of faith, rather they are a sign of my faith. If I didn't have faith our adoption would happen, I wouldn't pray for it.

I may get down at times, but I am not broken. Infertility didn't kill me and the adoption wait won't either.

Broken

Broken by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Article - All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good

While I was working on my Finding Faith Friday, I found this article. Its a really good article, but it didn't feel right to be my Friday feature so I thought I would share it now. I've highlighted by favorite parts, but the entire article is pretty good, I just didn't feel that the entire thing applied to me. If you would like to read the full article, please click on the title. Tune in tomorrow for my regular schedule article.

All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good


Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President
May 2004 Ensign

In a sense all of us are in the middle of our own novels, our own life stories. Sometimes our stories feel very intense, and we would like to read ahead to know our own end, to make sure that everything is going to turn out all right. While we don’t know the particular details of our life’s experiences, fortunately we do know something about our futures, if we live worthily.

We are given this insight in Doctrine and Covenants 90:24: “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly.” This stunning promise from the Lord that all things shall work together for our good is repeated many times in the scriptures, particularly to people or prophets who are suffering through the trials of their own life stories.

I sense that this promise comes from a tender, caring Father who desires to bless us and give us reason to hope through our earthly journey. Knowing that eventually all things will work together for our good will help us endure affliction like the faithful people from the scriptures who knew of His promises and trusted in them, “having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them” (Heb. 11:13). We too can embrace this promise.

Sometimes we see immediate fulfillment of the promise. Other times we plead for years before we see the desired promises fulfilled.

Everywhere there are young women who are in the middle of their own stories, facing dangers and hardships. As with Peter there will be “angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). They will sustain us as we carry our earthly burdens. Often in our lives, those angels are the people around us, the people who love us, those who allow themselves to be instruments in the Lord’s hands. President Spencer W. Kimball said: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom”

Answered Prayers

A few months ago my prayers changed. I still kept my plea, "please let a birth mom choose us, and please let it be soon". But I could feel my self sinking and I needed something to change, to keep me from dropping down into despair. So in addition to my pleas for a child I also added, "please just let us know that we are at least being looked at."

After a few months, it felt like a repetition to my prayers, but I needed something to restore my confidence, something to let us know we were making an appearance in the adoption world.
Of course, with all prayers, the Lord knew when I would really need this prayer answered. Only He would know that I was strong enough to struggle on further. Only He could really see when I would need that answer.

Saturday night was just another normal night for us. Josh was grilling dinner outside and I was blogging online when the phone rang. A young woman was looking at Parent Profiles; she was looking at OUR profile. I was so nervous and found it hard to talk so I asked her to first tell us about her. What a delightful person who has been placed in such a tough place. She loves her little girl and wants to give her the world. She liked us because we looked so happy. I had a nice time visiting with her, and the excitement I felt was amazing. Could this be our little girl?

By the next morning we knew that this was not our little girl. It was heartbreaking. We knew that morning we needed to tell this brave young woman to keep looking for a family and yet it took us hours to finally write the email and then even a few more hours to send it. It's so hard to say no.

It was another learning experience for us. We still aren't sure when we will finally get to adopt, but we know that this wasn't our time. Josh said it perfectly when he reminded me we are looking for our child and if this girl isn't ours than we would be taking someone else's baby and that wouldn't be fair.

I never could have had the strength to say no if I wasn't so sure of the comfort and peace I knew my Heavenly Father would give me. I knew that when we said no, I would not be alone. I knew He would be right there to carry until I find the strength to move on.

I also remembered those prayers I have been sending heavenward for so long now. I thought I needed that answer months ago and even weeks ago. But this last week has been so trying. This past week was one of the times where for a brief moment I said, "I can't do it. I'm ready to give up." I don't have those extreme moments often, but when I do, my Savior is there to give me a push and a reminder that I can do this. I'm so grateful He waited until now to answer my prayers.