Mercy

I've been going thru something lately. I only hint at it, because I don't know who reads this blog and how it would affect their feelings towards me. So excuse me for the vagueness in this post.

The last few months have been dark for me. I've shed lots of tears. Tears of hurt. Tears of frustration. Tears of jealousy.

"Sometimes, in the midst of heartache and despair, God finds a way to show a little mercy." - Savannah Christensen (Yep, I'm that proud of that quote!)

I'm not much of a prayer person, but I have said a repeated prayer a lot lately, knowing I really had no way of changing anything. That fate was decided months ago. But, oh boy, sometimes He comes thru for me.

Today, I cried tears, once again. But this time, they were tears of joy. It would seem lame to others, so I won't go into it. But it was a HUGE deal to me. Now, I think I can survive the next several months.

Ramblings of happiness

Since closing our profile, life seems to be amazing. I'm so glad we finally made the decision. I have joy in new ways and I just have a new energy for life.

I'm able to enjoy being around family again. It may sound harsh, but for a while, I didn't like to be around them. I didn't like seeing others happy when I was so miserable. But I've been able to find ways to share their happiness. I wasn't able to make it to all of Preston's t-ball games, but I made it to one and I'm going to his last one tonight. For a minute, it sounded like the game would be cancelled and I was heartbroken.

Josh's brother is dating someone pretty seriously. We all love her and hope he'll make her a permanent part of the family. In my depression days, that would've just upset me because another marriage means more babies. But now it means, more nieces or nephews.

I can't believe how much I love my nephews. When the pregnancy of the 4th one was announced, I told myself it was time to scale back on the gifts. Between me and Josh we have 5 siblings. Only 2 of them have started having kids so far and we're already up to 4 nephews. Even if each only has 2 kids, that is still 10 nieces and nephews. I go to buy a shirt, and 10 shirts later I'm forcing myself to check out. How will I manage as their families keep growing? I enjoy buying the gifts too much to stop myself. It brings me joy to give them something.

Earlier this year, I told myself I would just spend a set amount on each nephew for their birthday. And I was trying to set a limit for Christmas, but I don't want to. So I've decided, I don't need to. That's the great thing about being an aunt, I can spoil them however I want. And the added bonus of not being a parent means I have that much more to spend. I'm sure if we had children I would have to spend less on the nephews. I'd probably have to stick with just a small gift for birthday's and Christmas. But I don't have kids of my own, so I can spend my money elsewhere. I can buy them shirts for Easter and Halloween and just because.

We've always had the freedom of being just the two of us, but we didn't start to really use it until this last year. One day josh came home from work and suggested we go to Lagoon the next day. We didn't have to worry about kids and schedules, we could just go. On the way home that night, we got stuck in traffic behind an accident. We ended up having to get a hotel. At least we didn't have to worry about the kids staying at a sitters that night. Or trying to entertain them in a small hotel room.

This last Sunday we decided to get up at 4 am and go fishing. We stayed until we were tired and ready to go home. This weekend we are going to a Wii party. Those usually last until 1 am (or later). I love that we can all stay as late as we want because none of us have to rush home to the kids.

I've been scrapbooking a lot lately. I love that I can do that or any other craft whenever I want. You hear of people who have 3 kids, and just barely scrapbooked the birth of the oldest kid. I would've loved to have been able to scrapbook my own kids, but I do like that I will never fall that far behind. Well, ok, I am a little behind, but I'm almost caught up. I look at those pictures of family and nephews and it just warms my heart all over. I'm so glad I can have those memories preserved in pages forever.

I usually clean my house real good on Fridays. Then the rest of the week I slack. Its not a huge deal, because its just me and the hubs to get it dirty. But this week, I decided to try to clean a little each night. Here it is, only Wednesday, and already my house is clean. I can relax (and craft) on Friday! Laundry, I can do it in half a day. A full day when I wash bedding. Not many other people can say that.

I can sleep in late on days I don't have to work. I can stay up as late as I want. I can have cereal for dinner if I want. I can watch what I want to on the TV. I can exercise whenever I want. I can take long soaks in the bath on a daily basis. I'm starting to see all the finer points of living as a family of two and I'm really enjoying them.

A year ago...

A year ago we got an email. At first I thought it was simply another scam. We had seen plenty of those. I was at work when I saw it, so I called Josh to tell him about it. I remember telling him, "Its probably just another scam, but we got an email from Parent Profiles." She had mentioned her due date and in my rush to prove it a scam I did the math, and it was off. But then I decided to turn the calendar to the due date and count backwards 40 weeks. The math was on perfectly. After that I started to hope.

After calming myself for a minute, I sent an email back. Then very impatiently, I waited for a reply. Each hour felt like a week! Finally after 5 LONG hours, I got a reply back from Parent Profiles. Apparently you don't send replies through them. You have to click on the email address from the sender instead of just hitting reply. So I had to send the message again.

After that it just seemed to be a whirlwind of emails. An unbelievable dream. We had finally met someone! She was beautiful and kind and perfect.

A year ago was one of the happiest days of my life. Which really was perfect because a year and a week ago was one of the worst days of my life. C helped me through a hard time. C gave me hope again. C's emails meant the world to me.

Today I'm not going to think about our sad ending. Today I am going to think of the happy beginning and how it changed my life. Today is going to be a good day because a year ago I had a good day. :)

He Lives!

Every day is a new struggle. Why did we wait so long to just be looked at? (We started the adoption process three years ago.) In September of 2009, we had the chance to visit with a young mother on the phone. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let this work for our family, knowing the entire time that it wasn't our baby. I remember the next morning posting on Facebook, "Its still early in the morning, but already I know the answer is no, and it breaks my heart."

Why was it so clear then that that situation wouldn't work out, but why did everything with C feel so different, like it would work out? Why were we chosen, only to later be unchosen? So many questions, and still not many answers. I think I'm okay with how things turned out with C, things happen and minds change. I understand that. But now my questions are for my Heavenly Father. Why must I suffer this heart break? Why after so much yearning, am I still childless? Why did we come so close, only to be so far again?

Today, comfort came in the form of a Swaperoos gift. I was in tears before I left the Post Office.

A charm from my favorite Etsy Store.

Last year my Swaperoo partner had a failed placement. I hope it is okay with her if I share part of her message to me.

"Anyway, something I found myself clinging to last Spring was the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives. The lyrics got me through a lot. I knew he could take pain and grief and sorrow from me, but it is a continual process to remember to access the Atonement as you travel down your path laden with twists and turns and roller coaster rides. The first package holds something special I custom ordered for you from The R House Couture (hence the two packages...that one is coming directly from Lindsey). Before you open it, I hope you'll read through the hymn and remember that Spring/Easter is a time of new beginnings and that He lives to take away your pain, wipe your tears away, and silence all your fears. I hope you love it!"

This used to be one of my favorite hymns, I'm surprised I had forgotten it until now. On the drive home, I tried to sing it, all I could remember was most of the second verse. Here is the lyrics to the entire song if you're like me and can't remember all of it.

1.

I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives.

He lives, He lives who once was dead.

He lives, my ever living head.

He lives to bless me with his love.

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed.

He lives to bless in time of need.

2.

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my souls complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

3.

He lives, my kind, wise heavenly friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives and while he lives I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

4.

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

When I got home, I remembered a seminary lesson many years ago. This is taken from my seminary journal, November 19, 1999:

"My favorite reason 'He lives' in Hymn #136 is 'He lives to comfort me with faint." I have felt his comfort before, so real that it seemed as if i was in his lap crying and that he was there offering me support and comfort.

Here is my own verse to this hymn -

He lives to hold me when I cry.

He lives to protect me from all lies.

He lives and watches me from above.

He lives and extends me all his love."

I will admit I am weak and I've had my moments when I've wanted to be mad at God. (I will also admit how relieved I was when our caseworker told me all the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.) But I can't be mad at God because I know that He does live, and He does hear my souls complaint. He has comforted me and He has helped calm my troubled heart. I find it odd I only wrote half verse all those years ago. Here is how I would end it:

He lives to grant me daily peace.

He lives, helping to build my eternity.

He lives to tell me if only I could see,

The promises He holds for me.

Thanks for the gift Megan, it was perfect.

Answered Prayers

A few months ago my prayers changed. I still kept my plea, "please let a birth mom choose us, and please let it be soon". But I could feel my self sinking and I needed something to change, to keep me from dropping down into despair. So in addition to my pleas for a child I also added, "please just let us know that we are at least being looked at."

After a few months, it felt like a repetition to my prayers, but I needed something to restore my confidence, something to let us know we were making an appearance in the adoption world.
Of course, with all prayers, the Lord knew when I would really need this prayer answered. Only He would know that I was strong enough to struggle on further. Only He could really see when I would need that answer.

Saturday night was just another normal night for us. Josh was grilling dinner outside and I was blogging online when the phone rang. A young woman was looking at Parent Profiles; she was looking at OUR profile. I was so nervous and found it hard to talk so I asked her to first tell us about her. What a delightful person who has been placed in such a tough place. She loves her little girl and wants to give her the world. She liked us because we looked so happy. I had a nice time visiting with her, and the excitement I felt was amazing. Could this be our little girl?

By the next morning we knew that this was not our little girl. It was heartbreaking. We knew that morning we needed to tell this brave young woman to keep looking for a family and yet it took us hours to finally write the email and then even a few more hours to send it. It's so hard to say no.

It was another learning experience for us. We still aren't sure when we will finally get to adopt, but we know that this wasn't our time. Josh said it perfectly when he reminded me we are looking for our child and if this girl isn't ours than we would be taking someone else's baby and that wouldn't be fair.

I never could have had the strength to say no if I wasn't so sure of the comfort and peace I knew my Heavenly Father would give me. I knew that when we said no, I would not be alone. I knew He would be right there to carry until I find the strength to move on.

I also remembered those prayers I have been sending heavenward for so long now. I thought I needed that answer months ago and even weeks ago. But this last week has been so trying. This past week was one of the times where for a brief moment I said, "I can't do it. I'm ready to give up." I don't have those extreme moments often, but when I do, my Savior is there to give me a push and a reminder that I can do this. I'm so grateful He waited until now to answer my prayers.

One Lovely Blog

When I first started this blog, it was private. It was my place to go vent when I felt like the world was unfair because I was infertile. Slowly I started to invite a few people to view it; my only requirement? They were infertile like me. But then I decided that I didn't need to hide my feelings about infertility so I opened this blog up. The results?

I won an award!! Thank you Brenda for this award. I am honored (and surprised, but still mostly honored). Brenda runs a couple blogs that are awesome. She talks openly about infertility on I AM where she wrote an awesome letter to fertile woman. She also has a family blog and my favorite part is Matching Monday. It is the first place I go every Monday morning. Thank you Brenda for your work in helping these children find homes. Thanks to you I have taken a step off the cliff and inquired about a waiting sibling group. (Which we were told to wait until the END of July for a response!)

Getting back to the award...

Here are the rules:

1. Put the award on your blog.

2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Nominate 6 or more blogs

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

1. My very favorite infertility blog is In Pursuit of Parenthood. She writes everything I wish I could say in such a beautiful, thought provoking way. I would highlight just one post of hers, but I love all of them.

2. When I need a good laugh, I always go to 3 Cute Kids. Here kids crack me up! My favorite post is You can choose. This has become a running joke at our house! We are always using it against each other telling them to choose something.

3. I have always dreamed of having twins and looking at all the pictures of these two little girls at Trent & Carlie and Co. I want a set of twins of my own. Even if you don't have twins, be sure to check out her Twin Tips because they could apply to anyone with a baby.

4. Sometimes I actually feel blessed about our infertility (got to love that male infertility can be a final answer to your medical woes), especially when I watch friends take on the evil pill known as Clomid. I am so glad I never had to try that. What a wrecky hormone pill! But my friend, Ashley, at Feigning Fertility is trying to conceive with that pill.

5. When we decided to adopt, I was delighted to learn that I had a cousin who was adopting too. I love talking with her about our struggles and I secretly hope that heaven smiles down on us and we adopt at the same time so our children can be friends. I also wish I could decorate as beautifully as she does.

6. Failed adoptions are heartbreaking. In just one week I knew of three different couples who had one happen to them. An Eternal Family in Progress was one of them. They are currently holding a contest that will help them spread the word that they are trying to adopt.

7. The star of Kiara's Corner is of course Kiara. What a doll! She is cute and funny. Check out some of her silliness at Kiara-isms.

8. When we first decided to adopt, open adoption terrified us. But then we started to meet people and learn what a wonderful thing it really is. Dustin, Andrea & Avery have a great open adoption with their birth mom Andee. I can only hope and pray that someday we can have that kind of relationship too.

9. I follow several crafty blogs, but one of my favorites is Inky Smiles. She is amazing at scrap booking. Someday I will get brave enough to actually try some of the things she does like Quilling & Butterflies.

10. I can't forget my other favorite blog. (Her kids have me rolling on the floor in laughter!) Mommy Musings: Notes from the Trenches, may look like she has her hands full, but with kids like hers there is never a dull moment. One of my personal favorites, the gum letter.

All I can say is....WOW

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it happened....at the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

I feel...HAPPY

I noticed sometime last week that I feel happy. I'm sure for some people that is hard to understand; how can a person not be happy? I had finally reached the point where I wasn't depressed anymore, but then I felt the crunch because we have been approved for almost a year and no one has looked at us. But then I just woke up one morning and I was...Happy. It's been a while since I felt happy for no particular reason.
It could be the Christmas season, but I don't think that's it. I was a little scared with the Christmas season coming up (I DID NOT enjoy Christmas last year or really the year before that), but then I decided to not get all hyped up about it. My Christmas shopping isn't as extravagant this year and Josh and I each picked out our own presents so no surprises there. We have no Christmas tree this year and I haven't even bothered to get out my winter decorations. I enjoy watching Josh play Santa Claus so I don't think I am a Grinch. It just seems easier to not stress over the holiday's. I have tried to be more giving this year and I have enjoyed that. I bought some clothes and donated them to the community for their angel tree and tomorrow I am going to buy some things for a family who lost their house to fire this week.
I have even tried to "test out" this happiness to make sure it was real. I have thought back to things in the past that used to upset me or bring me to tears and now I feel nothing when I look back. I finally feel like I have come to terms with everything and everyone and that I truly hold no hard feelings anymore. I am finally starting to truly enjoy being an aunt and I hope that I will soon have another niece or nephew.
I think I was finally tired of not being happy that I just decided to be happy. It has been so nice. I feel like a more pleasant person and I hope people think I am easier to be around now.

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1 comments:

So Barren said...

I am glad you're doing well. I hope you guys will get your baby soon. It's all about timing. I know how you feel about Christmas. Good for you for doing so much service!
Meka from 2ofus4now

December 17, 2008 11:32 PM