Do you ever just start crying for no reason at all? Ya, me too. Wish I could pinpoint why. But I'm sure of one thing, it will somehow tie into infertility if I think about it long enough.

Unlucky

I think I'm bad luck in the adoption world. I refer situations to friends, only to have them not turn out. Its so frustrating. I've dealt with it for me personally. God isn't going to give me kids. I'm ok with that. But it upsets me that other people can't have kids. I feel like every other month I refer a situation to a friend and each time it doesn't end happily. I just want to give up. I feel like I just am setting them up for more heartbreak each time. Its like the feeling that everything you touch breaks. For me, its everything I try to do in the adoption world doesn't work out. And I'm sick of it.

Prayers for H

I've kind of developed a quite relationship with God. I know He's there (for the most part), but really, all I do is quick, quite prayers in my heart when I feel the need. But last night I poured my heart out to Him.

"Dear God, I know we don't talk often, but this is really important. I had a lady contact me about a possible adoption situation. Although, I did note the coincidence that the baby is due right around 2 years after we were unchosen, we are not pursuing adoption. So I told her we weren't interested.

But then I told her about H. Dear God, I love H so much and I want her to become a mom so badly. She would be an incredible mom. Right now all she gets to do is play mommy part time, but I want her to be a permanent mom. I want a child to come into her house and stay forever. So I gave this person that contacted me H's name.

Now they get to meet and see if there is a connection. Father, please let there be a connection! Please let them meet and instantly fall in love with each other. Please let this family choose H and then please let everything go smoothly. Please let H get to spend the next few moms as an expectant mom. That was such an amazing feeling for us and I want her to have that feeling too. And please, don't let it end like ours.

Please let things go well at the meeting. Please let the family choose her and her husband. Please don't let it end like ours did. Please let this be their baby they have longed for so much.

I haven't asked for much lately, but this would me the world to me. And to H. Please."

My friend H is meeting with the expectant mom and grandma today. Please send a prayer that it will work for them. I haven't needed God to answer a prayer like this in a long time, but I need him to answer this one. Please join me in praying that it will work out for H. God will know who you are talking about.

Sometimes

 Next time someone tries to question our decision to not pursue adoption anymore, this is what I'm going to tell them.

I really do believe we had to pursue adoption, even thought it wasn't meant to end happily. But because of it we became stronger. Because if it we were able to learn that we can find happiness, even if were never become parents. 

Cold

Maybe this isn't an infertility issue, but I think it is.

Every year school starts back up. Kids go back to school and breed (and then pass around) germs. School  hasn't been in for a month yet, but I have a few friends with school age kids that are already sick.

Here's my issue. I don't have school aged kids. I shouldn't have this cold that is making me so miserable this week! If I don't have kids, I don't think I should have to share their illnesses. AND now when I go to take my nephews their Halloween shirts tonight, I can't hold Daxsen.

Infertility sucks enough on its own, I say we take a vote and say "If we have to miss out on kids, we should be able to miss out on the illnesses they pass around when they go back to school."

Happiness

I simply LOVE this quote. Several times in just the last few weeks, I feel like people are questioning my judgement because of our decision to live as a family of two. One girl actually cried. While I was touched by her emotions, I was also a little flustered.

Every one seems to think that we can't be happy if we don't have children. No matter what I say, I can't get them to understand that I FINALLY AM HAPPY. I'm finally over the misery and pain. I am ready to be happy. I AM HAPPY.

I have a great job. A great home. Three crazy, yet loving cats. I finally have my own horse. I have wonderful friends who bless my life. I have many fun activities I'm involved in.  Best of all, I am married to the man of my dreams.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Because your wrong. Being a parent isn't the only way to find happiness. I'm happy because I took a long, hard look at my life and realized, I already have everything I need to be happy.

Tell it how it is

In all my years of infertility, I have become a master of only telling it half way. Its hard to tell people how it is, because they immediately question you or just don't get it, and therefore offer their (useless) advise.

Maybe its because I'm still in a bad mood from last night, but today I told it how it was. And I'm quite proud of myself. I still can't decide what set me off last night. I think it was just a mixture of emotions that hit me all at once. That's how it usually works with infertility.

Right now, my sister is in the hospital giving birth to her second son. I'm excited to have another nephew at any moment. Blankets are ready that I loving made and I found some matching shirts for both her boys. One says "Older Brothers Rule" and the other one says "Young Brothers Rock". I've had these shirts for months now, but decided to keep them until baby #2 made his debut.

Just a bit ago I had the following conversation with someone.

Her: "So, is it your sister your mom is at the hospital with?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh, is she having her baby?"

Me: "Looks like it."

Her: "Well, hopefully it will be you someday."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "You never know, it might me."

Me: "Nope, I know that is impossible."

Her: "Well, then you could just adopt."

My thought I didn't speak aloud, "Yes, its the simple to JUST adopt. Why didn't I think of that?"

Me: "Nope, that's not going to happen either."

Her: "It might."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "Well, I guess sometimes you just get to that point where you know."

Finally a break through! Until then, I was feeling repetitive and like they just weren't getting it. Oh, I won't kid myself, she probably drove off while saying a little prayer that our family would be added to someday, but I was just so relieved for someone to finally understand what I was saying. Our family is done growing. It is staying the size it is. (Unless I cave and take in the kitten my brother is trying to give me.)

In conversations similar to this, I usually get tired of arguing with the person and say something like "I guess we'll see." That is not me agreeing that they are right in assuming we'll have kids someday. That is my way of ending the conversation so I don't get mad and try to tell them they have no business telling me how my family should be.

I like the way I did it today. It felt short and right to the point and hopefully at least that person got it.

BAM!

My day: doo-doo-doo. Just an ordinary good day.

BAM! Hello depression, its been a while. I refuse to let you over take me, but you hit me so suddenly I think you may win this time.

Off to find a project to hopefully distract me. And maybe a bowl of ice cream.

My last post got me thinking, well, more like really thinking about something that is bothering me. My relationship with God, or the lack thereof.

Its something I think about often, but just can't seem to find the strength to work on. I try to go to church, but my pattern seems to be; go for a week and then not again for several weeks. My excuse is: since I see so little of my husband I want to soak up every precious second with him on the weekend. But that is really just my "easy" excuse.

I think I know what my issue is, I'm just not sure what I want to do about it.

I don't trust God anymore. He got my hopes up and then He let me down.

I know I've become bitter. I try not to be, but sometimes I am. Something happened a few weeks ago and I knew this person needed prayers. But then my next thought was "Why? God has already decided what will happen. My prayers don't matter, they won't make a difference." I know that deep (very deep) down, that my prayers would matter. They couldn't just change the outcome, but they could help pave the way and help prepare for comfort or understanding, or whatever would be needed at that time. But then the bitter voice speaks up, "It didn't work for you."

Sometimes I think it was a joke. "Be careful what you wish for..." type of thing. I wished so hard to be chosen, that I was given a taste of it. But if I had just been quite and not complained, we never would've been chosen, and therefore never unchosen.

But then that leads to me realizing just how happy we are now. On a very regular basis we tell each other how we are enjoying living as a family of two. Or we'll comment, "I'm so glad I'll never have to deal with (insert multiple issues) and kids." I know parenthood comes with all its glory and happiness. But if I'm never going to be a parent, I think its ok for me to look at the bad stuff I'm missing out on too.

Back to my main topic, church and all it represents.

Its so hard going to a church that is so deeply family orientated. To me, it feels like EVERYTHING revolves around the family. But not just family, but having kids and being good parents. Those lessons make me feel unimportant and like there is no reason for me to be there. I know that's not completely true, but that is how my mind tends to focus. Yes, I can learn tips to being a better wife, a better aunt, etc. but only if I choose to twist it that way. Its not like there is an actual lesson about being better aunts and uncles. (I would take notes in that lesson!)

It still haunts me how we lost that baby FOREVER. We didn't miscarry, so the baby isn't sealed to us in heaven. I have nothing to fall back on. Its as if there never was a baby. I'm eternally grateful to be sealed to Josh for time. But I get so weary of people talking about how their loss is bearable because they know they will see them again in Heaven. I'm constantly biting my tongue so I don't scream how just how awful and unbearable it is to have a loss like that.

I don't miss church. Which makes me feel guilty. Which gets me to go to church. I don't like going to church out of guilt.

I feel let down. No one reached out to us after we were unchosen. A few people knew, but I'm sure they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing. And that hurt. We used to be pretty regulars and then we pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, why did no one question that?

I want released from my calling because I feel like I'm letting them down and they should find someone better. (Its not a big calling, I'm the RS chorister.) No, I don't want to be better. Its not like my calling is the point that makes me go to church, so I don't think being released would make much of a difference in my attendance.

Vent

Let me start by saying, I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that God creates families in his way on his own timetable. And this vent does not mean we are looking to adopt again or even thinking that day might come when we will want to open our profile again. This post is just a poor vent and I hope once I get it off my chest I'll be able to let it go and move on and be happy.

I find it so unfair how fast some couples get chosen. Our profile was active for almost 2 years before me met C. After we were unchosen, our profile remained open for another year before we closed it. Three years and yet, only one contact. That burns me.

I'm happy for the family that are expecting again through adoption. I am. But I guess its like a pregnancy announcement, I have to hurt some before I can be happy. That's what infertility does to you. You have to mourn for yourself before you can rejoice for anyone else.

So I'll say congrats tomorrow, but just for today I'm going to cry my heart out about it.