Because I Can't Have Babies

2011-12-29T16:40:00.002-07:00

Do you ever just start crying for no reason at all? Ya, me too. Wish I could pinpoint why. But I'm sure of one thing, it will somehow tie into infertility if I think about it long enough.

Unlucky

2011-11-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

I think I'm bad luck in the adoption world. I refer situations to friends, only to have them not turn out. Its so frustrating. I've dealt with it for me personally. God isn't going to give me kids. I'm ok with that. But it upsets me that other people can't have kids. I feel like every other month I refer a situation to a friend and each time it doesn't end happily. I just want to give up. I feel like I just am setting them up for more heartbreak each time. Its like the feeling that everything you touch breaks. For me, its everything I try to do in the adoption world doesn't work out. And I'm sick of it.

Prayers for H

2011-11-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've kind of developed a quite relationship with God. I know He's there (for the most part), but really, all I do is quick, quite prayers in my heart when I feel the need. But last night I poured my heart out to Him.

"Dear God, I know we don't talk often, but this is really important. I had a lady contact me about a possible adoption situation. Although, I did note the coincidence that the baby is due right around 2 years after we were unchosen, we are not pursuing adoption. So I told her we weren't interested.

But then I told her about H. Dear God, I love H so much and I want her to become a mom so badly. She would be an incredible mom. Right now all she gets to do is play mommy part time, but I want her to be a permanent mom. I want a child to come into her house and stay forever. So I gave this person that contacted me H's name.

Now they get to meet and see if there is a connection. Father, please let there be a connection! Please let them meet and instantly fall in love with each other. Please let this family choose H and then please let everything go smoothly. Please let H get to spend the next few moms as an expectant mom. That was such an amazing feeling for us and I want her to have that feeling too. And please, don't let it end like ours.

Please let things go well at the meeting. Please let the family choose her and her husband. Please don't let it end like ours did. Please let this be their baby they have longed for so much.

I haven't asked for much lately, but this would me the world to me. And to H. Please."

My friend H is meeting with the expectant mom and grandma today. Please send a prayer that it will work for them. I haven't needed God to answer a prayer like this in a long time, but I need him to answer this one. Please join me in praying that it will work out for H. God will know who you are talking about.

Sometimes

2011-09-23T09:14:00.000-06:00

Next time someone tries to question our decision to not pursue adoption anymore, this is what I'm going to tell them.

I really do believe we had to pursue adoption, even thought it wasn't meant to end happily. But because of it we became stronger. Because if it we were able to learn that we can find happiness, even if were never become parents.

Cold

2011-09-15T07:32:00.000-06:00

Maybe this isn't an infertility issue, but I think it is.

Every year school starts back up. Kids go back to school and breed (and then pass around) germs. School hasn't been in for a month yet, but I have a few friends with school age kids that are already sick.

Here's my issue. I don't have school aged kids. I shouldn't have this cold that is making me so miserable this week! If I don't have kids, I don't think I should have to share their illnesses. AND now when I go to take my nephews their Halloween shirts tonight, I can't hold Daxsen.

Infertility sucks enough on its own, I say we take a vote and say "If we have to miss out on kids, we should be able to miss out on the illnesses they pass around when they go back to school."

Happiness

2011-09-13T14:26:00.000-06:00

I simply LOVE this quote. Several times in just the last few weeks, I feel like people are questioning my judgement because of our decision to live as a family of two. One girl actually cried. While I was touched by her emotions, I was also a little flustered.

Every one seems to think that we can't be happy if we don't have children. No matter what I say, I can't get them to understand that I FINALLY AM HAPPY. I'm finally over the misery and pain. I am ready to be happy. I AM HAPPY.

I have a great job. A great home. Three crazy, yet loving cats. I finally have my own horse. I have wonderful friends who bless my life. I have many fun activities I'm involved in. Best of all, I am married to the man of my dreams.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Because your wrong. Being a parent isn't the only way to find happiness. I'm happy because I took a long, hard look at my life and realized, I already have everything I need to be happy.

Tell it how it is

2011-08-30T11:43:00.000-06:00

In all my years of infertility, I have become a master of only telling it half way. Its hard to tell people how it is, because they immediately question you or just don't get it, and therefore offer their (useless) advise.

Maybe its because I'm still in a bad mood from last night, but today I told it how it was. And I'm quite proud of myself. I still can't decide what set me off last night. I think it was just a mixture of emotions that hit me all at once. That's how it usually works with infertility.

Right now, my sister is in the hospital giving birth to her second son. I'm excited to have another nephew at any moment. Blankets are ready that I loving made and I found some matching shirts for both her boys. One says "Older Brothers Rule" and the other one says "Young Brothers Rock". I've had these shirts for months now, but decided to keep them until baby #2 made his debut.

Just a bit ago I had the following conversation with someone.

Her: "So, is it your sister your mom is at the hospital with?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh, is she having her baby?"

Me: "Looks like it."

Her: "Well, hopefully it will be you someday."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "You never know, it might me."

Me: "Nope, I know that is impossible."

Her: "Well, then you could just adopt."

My thought I didn't speak aloud, "Yes, its the simple to JUST adopt. Why didn't I think of that?"

Me: "Nope, that's not going to happen either."

Her: "It might."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "Well, I guess sometimes you just get to that point where you know."

Finally a break through! Until then, I was feeling repetitive and like they just weren't getting it. Oh, I won't kid myself, she probably drove off while saying a little prayer that our family would be added to someday, but I was just so relieved for someone to finally understand what I was saying. Our family is done growing. It is staying the size it is. (Unless I cave and take in the kitten my brother is trying to give me.)

In conversations similar to this, I usually get tired of arguing with the person and say something like "I guess we'll see." That is not me agreeing that they are right in assuming we'll have kids someday. That is my way of ending the conversation so I don't get mad and try to tell them they have no business telling me how my family should be.

I like the way I did it today. It felt short and right to the point and hopefully at least that person got it.

BAM!

2011-08-29T19:11:00.000-06:00

My day: doo-doo-doo. Just an ordinary good day.

BAM! Hello depression, its been a while. I refuse to let you over take me, but you hit me so suddenly I think you may win this time.

Off to find a project to hopefully distract me. And maybe a bowl of ice cream.

Vent

2011-08-15T16:45:00.000-06:00

Let me start by saying, I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that God creates families in his way on his own timetable. And this vent does not mean we are looking to adopt again or even thinking that day might come when we will want to open our profile again. This post is just a poor vent and I hope once I get it off my chest I'll be able to let it go and move on and be happy.

I find it so unfair how fast some couples get chosen. Our profile was active for almost 2 years before me met C. After we were unchosen, our profile remained open for another year before we closed it. Three years and yet, only one contact. That burns me.

I'm happy for the family that are expecting again through adoption. I am. But I guess its like a pregnancy announcement, I have to hurt some before I can be happy. That's what infertility does to you. You have to mourn for yourself before you can rejoice for anyone else.

So I'll say congrats tomorrow, but just for today I'm going to cry my heart out about it.

Dedicated to my grandma

2011-06-22T16:30:00.001-06:00

I recently joined an online support group for childless Mormon's. Its been wonderful to connect with others like myself. A recent email passed through the group and I loved it.

"I think the problem with praising women as mothers is that the way it is phrased. Trying to parse into more mathematical/logical basis
A=B, B=C, A=C
A woman is a mother.
Mothers should be praised.
Therefore a woman should be praised.

The problem is that A is often not true and so you get the question if a woman isn’t a mother, should she be praised? If a woman is not a mother, is she still a woman, or is she now something less, not quite human?" (Comment by tami — May 23, 2011 @ 9:39 pm)

"Non-mothers aren’t hurt that mothers are being praised, they are hurt about the assumption that woman must be mothers." (Meridith's addition to the above comment)

I have struggled so much with this. I wasn't a mother, so what was I? I felt like I was of little importance to others if I couldn't be a mom.

Here's my moment of truth. Bare and raw honest truth. Ever since my mother in-law and my own mother became grandma's, I have felt like they didn't need me anymore. I have felt like if I can't give them grandchildren, they will just brush me aside and forget about me.

In trying to protect my heart, I've acted out on this. It seemed easier to cut them out, before they cut out me. I didn't do it purposely, but on some mental and emotional level, I did what I thought best to protect my heart. I pulled back and tried to disappear.

I am blessed with amazing in-laws who didn't let me get away with that. They seemed to know when I needed my space. But they also seemed to know when I needed them to urge me back. I was constantly testing my relationship with them, but they never gave up on me. It has been such a relief to not fight against their love anymore.

With my family it has been different. It was easy to be involved at first. After all, my sister and I were both expecting at the same time. So even if I didn't get to give my family the first grand baby, I would be very close behind.

Then halfway through the pregnancies, we were no longer expecting. I couldn't find a way to co-exist while my sister was still expecting. It hurt too much to remember what almost was. When my nephew was born, I struggled so much. I felt like I was crying out, but was being ignored. I think now that I wasn't speaking the same language, in a matter of speaking. My absolute quietness was not me asking to be left alone (well, sometimes it was), but really it was a plea to be noticed. To be acknowledged. I didn't become a mother last summer, but I was still a person. I just wanted someone to notice that. Not acknowledge me as an aunt or anything else, but just acknowledge me and that I still existed. That I was still of worth somehow. I admit, I buried my heart deep, but it was still there.

This is where I dedicate this post to my grandma. I saw her last week for the first time in a long time. The last time she came out, my nephew was only days old. The same nephew that was 2 days younger then our almost baby. I wasn't stable enough to put myself in that position. So I didn't go see my grandma.

I knew she would be out for my nephew's birthday, and I was a little nervous. What would we say to each other? Would I even be noticed? I know it was a party for my nephew, not me. I didn't want all of the attention, I just wanted to be noticed. That's actually a big reason I agreed to make two full size cakes. If for no other reason, those cakes would get me noticed, even if for just a second. What can I say, I cry out for attention in odd ways.

Thank you grandma for noticing me. Thank you for spending so much time visiting with me. I agree that your great grandson is a cutie, but thank you for not evolving around just him. Thank you for asking about my weight loss, my hair, my job, my crafts, my husband, etc.

Here's another moment of truth. In years past, I would have let that visit be enough. But I felt so alive after that visit, that I made a point to go see her again the next night after I got off work. I think my 2nd visit surprised her just as much as it did me. Again, it was a wonderful visit.

I got home that night and noticed the change. I'm not scared of my family anymore. Those two visits gave me so much healing. Thank you grandma.

Ramblings of happiness

2011-06-22T08:53:00.000-06:00

Since closing our profile, life seems to be amazing. I'm so glad we finally made the decision. I have joy in new ways and I just have a new energy for life.

I'm able to enjoy being around family again. It may sound harsh, but for a while, I didn't like to be around them. I didn't like seeing others happy when I was so miserable. But I've been able to find ways to share their happiness. I wasn't able to make it to all of Preston's t-ball games, but I made it to one and I'm going to his last one tonight. For a minute, it sounded like the game would be cancelled and I was heartbroken.

Josh's brother is dating someone pretty seriously. We all love her and hope he'll make her a permanent part of the family. In my depression days, that would've just upset me because another marriage means more babies. But now it means, more nieces or nephews.

I can't believe how much I love my nephews. When the pregnancy of the 4th one was announced, I told myself it was time to scale back on the gifts. Between me and Josh we have 5 siblings. Only 2 of them have started having kids so far and we're already up to 4 nephews. Even if each only has 2 kids, that is still 10 nieces and nephews. I go to buy a shirt, and 10 shirts later I'm forcing myself to check out. How will I manage as their families keep growing? I enjoy buying the gifts too much to stop myself. It brings me joy to give them something.

Earlier this year, I told myself I would just spend a set amount on each nephew for their birthday. And I was trying to set a limit for Christmas, but I don't want to. So I've decided, I don't need to. That's the great thing about being an aunt, I can spoil them however I want. And the added bonus of not being a parent means I have that much more to spend. I'm sure if we had children I would have to spend less on the nephews. I'd probably have to stick with just a small gift for birthday's and Christmas. But I don't have kids of my own, so I can spend my money elsewhere. I can buy them shirts for Easter and Halloween and just because.

We've always had the freedom of being just the two of us, but we didn't start to really use it until this last year. One day josh came home from work and suggested we go to Lagoon the next day. We didn't have to worry about kids and schedules, we could just go. On the way home that night, we got stuck in traffic behind an accident. We ended up having to get a hotel. At least we didn't have to worry about the kids staying at a sitters that night. Or trying to entertain them in a small hotel room.

This last Sunday we decided to get up at 4 am and go fishing. We stayed until we were tired and ready to go home. This weekend we are going to a Wii party. Those usually last until 1 am (or later). I love that we can all stay as late as we want because none of us have to rush home to the kids.

I've been scrapbooking a lot lately. I love that I can do that or any other craft whenever I want. You hear of people who have 3 kids, and just barely scrapbooked the birth of the oldest kid. I would've loved to have been able to scrapbook my own kids, but I do like that I will never fall that far behind. Well, ok, I am a little behind, but I'm almost caught up. I look at those pictures of family and nephews and it just warms my heart all over. I'm so glad I can have those memories preserved in pages forever.

I usually clean my house real good on Fridays. Then the rest of the week I slack. Its not a huge deal, because its just me and the hubs to get it dirty. But this week, I decided to try to clean a little each night. Here it is, only Wednesday, and already my house is clean. I can relax (and craft) on Friday! Laundry, I can do it in half a day. A full day when I wash bedding. Not many other people can say that.

I can sleep in late on days I don't have to work. I can stay up as late as I want. I can have cereal for dinner if I want. I can watch what I want to on the TV. I can exercise whenever I want. I can take long soaks in the bath on a daily basis. I'm starting to see all the finer points of living as a family of two and I'm really enjoying them.

Time to let go

2011-06-12T21:09:00.000-06:00

The irony is not lost on me that on our almost baby's birthday, I was decorating a birthday cake, for a different baby. I've tried to forget the fact that I have a nephew 2 days younger then our almost baby. I try to not think about the things our baby would be doing when I know he is growing and learning in the same ways. I try to pretend that it never happened.

But it did happen. A year ago a brave young women gave birth and then placed her baby with a family and in doing so affected so many lives. Sometimes I feel guilty for my pain, because I know it is nothing compared to her pain. I tell myself I have no right to hurt because she was never really my baby. But the chance at... almost, does hurt.

I have kept so many things inside because I'm afraid to share. Afraid I'll offend. Afraid that it will make the pain even greater. But I want this 1st birthday to be my last day of mourning. I hope after letting it all out, I can turn around, look forward and never look back.

It was so hard to loose a baby, even if it wasn't one we naturally conceived. I have a new level of understanding for those who miscarry. Loosing a baby is like having your heart ripped out. And then the world just walks all over your broken heart because they don't understand just how much it hurts. We never heard a heart beat. But that didn't stop us from loving and dreaming about a little girl to join our family.

A month after being unchosen, my mom called to say my sister might have to go on bed rest. Might. All I could think was "well, at least she still gets to have a baby in June. Who cares about some bed rest?" I was so mad after that, that I couldn't go to the Josh's annual family breakfast or Easter dinner. I ignored plans for a baby shower because I didn't want to think about my own baby shower I would never get.

The Internet is wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I knew the day the baby girl was born. The next day I sat in church and all I could think was "This is my first day as not the mom." I cried silent tears that no one could see. The next day while a birth mom signed the papers to make someone else parents, my nephew was born. I went to the hospital, but all I could think was, "I shouldn't be here. I should be holding my baby in a different hospital." And no one knew how I was crumbling inside.

I had days where I couldn't get out of bed it hurt so much. When we were first unchosen, Josh and I were in a loving moment when suddenly we both just broke down in tears. We couldn't even enjoy a moment of joy because the pain was so strong,.

One day while doing dishes, I fell to the floor and just bawled. Life was so unfair. It wasn't even worth living anymore, not with this kind of pain. It was in its own way, a moment of wakening. I was deep in depression and I needed to change so I didn't sink lower.

After that, I tried to ignore the pain. She was never our baby after all, right? But that just made it worse. I kept things bottled up so long, that eventually they would explode out without notice. One day I spilled a drink and that seemed to unleash it all. A kicked bucket, a knocked over trash can and a broken toe later, I realized I couldn't hold it in.

Then my husband found a new job. An amazing job that made us both happy and paid a lot better then the previous job. But it was a job that took him out of town during the week. There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep because my house was so quite and so empty.

I reached the point where I realized I couldn't follow both of the two moods in my life. I couldn't grieve when alone and then pretend all was right when I was around others. I needed help moving through the grief process.

I thought only unstable people need therapy. I was too strong to need help. I read online of a few others experiences of infertility depression and how counseling helped them move on. But I still couldn't make myself admit I needed help.

When Halloween came and went and I didn't do my big Halloween dinner, I realized that I was stuck deep in depression. I couldn't even enjoy my favorite things anymore. I tried to get myself in the moment, but the thought of having a dinner with all those people there to look at me, I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be happy.

I had become terribly afraid of people. I couldn't go anywhere. What if they asked questions? What if they didn't and ignored me? What if I lost it and cried? I had become a prisoner in my heart and therefore my home.

I finally broke down and made an appointment. Then I chickened out and cancelled a few days later. Only weak people need help. Then I went through another long week of tears. I wish I hadn't of waited so long to get help. I think things could have gone a little smoother if I had gone to counseling sooner. I wanted to go on anti depressants, but Josh didn't like the idea. I did make it through so I guess depression can be done without meds, but sometimes I wish I had tried them, it might have helped me be more stable in my moods. Counseling did help, but I've still been to afraid to admit that I needed it. Only a few people know about it. I didn't even tell work why I needed an hour off once a week.

Since finishing counseling, things have been better. I think I've only had two breakdowns since then, which is better then once a day or once a week. Both breakdowns happened at church. Its hard to go to church that is so strong on families.

One Sunday they were talking about death. It came up in Sunday School and Relief Society, so I got a double shot of it. Everyone was talking about how hard it is to loose a loved one, but how grateful they are for Heaven and how they know they can see them again someday. How they are grateful for the temple and that they are sealed together as a family. How they didn't understand how people outside of our religion get through a loss thinking they are dead and gone forever.

That's a luxury I don't get. I had lost a baby I loved and I will never get that back. Never. That is how my pain differs from a miscarriage. At least in a miscarriage I would get a chance to raise my baby in the next life, but it wasn't actually my pregnancy. I wanted to stand and how tell them I do know what its like. It is the most horrid thing ever to loose a loved one and know you will never see them again. Never.

The other breakdown was on Easter. Josh's family all lives in the same ward so I'm not usually alone at church. But that Sunday I was. I didn't know it, but my mother in-law was home doing farm chores and reading a book and my nephews were visiting their other grandparents. I didn't know that. I thought they were all together hunting Easter eggs. I was so mad that I wasn't there too. I will NEVER get that experience, why didn't they invite me? When we left church, Josh asked why I was so upset and I told him. He kept telling me that they probably got caught up in other stuff. And he was right, but by then I was so worked up that I couldn't get over it. Even though that afternoon we did help the nephews look for eggs at my in-laws, I was so distraught that I couldn't let it go.

Which really is dumb, because my in-laws have been so good to me. Through all of my grief, I've been able to build a better relationship with them. My grief that Sunday was for nothing because we did get to help the boys look for eggs. I've finally figured out the whole being an aunt thing this last year. I don't have to hold back because I don't have children of my own. I can find just as much joy through them. I can spoil them and then when they are stinky or whiny, I can hand them back to their parents. Not that they are ever whiny.

I was always afraid to love my nephews. I felt like if I did, I would be betraying my dreams of a child of my own. I felt like if I loved being an aunt, that would mean I didn't want to be a mom. I didn't think I could do both so instead I stepped back and did neither. I've learned over the last year, that I was wrong. I can love them fully and completely and it doesn't hurt. After so many years of struggling, I love being an aunt. I love those boys so much, I would do anything for them.

When we were first unchosen, we decided to step back and take a break from adoption. The more time that passed, the more we realized how much we enjoyed living as a family of two. We started talking about closing our profile. We would talk about it, but then not make a firm decision. After so many years of trying, how could we even consider it? I didn't want to feel like all our efforts were for nothing.

But the more we talked about it, the more we liked it. Slowly, we started to step away from building our family. I started by cleaning up the nursery and turning it into a craft room. A room I once hated and avoided became a sanctuary. Then I decided to start getting rid of the baby items. I sold the pack in play, the swing and the highchair and was relieved to get rid of them. I was afraid I might cry and regret it when the truck pulled away, but instead it was like a great weight was lifted off of me. Then I donated a bag of clothes to a friend collecting items for the women's shelter. Again it was easier then I thought it would be. Friends started announcing pregnancies and I experienced only joy and nothing else.

Last month we called LDSFS and asked them to pull our file. I will admit to one last moment of doubt. Josh and I discussed it that weekend and decided that we were ready and it was decided I would call the next day. The morning was busy and I didn't get a chance. As I went to lunch, I told myself it would be a good time to call. Then I paused. Was I sure? One of the biggest hold ups was we knew once we closed our profile, we would loose the money we put down when we started the process. Four years ago that was so much money to us. Well, it still is, but at that time it was hard to save it up and then pay it.

But was I really ready to close our profile? I said one last frantic prayer and made a deal with God. I was giving him one hour. If we were meant to adopt, I needed a sign. I needed an email to appear in our adoption account. If there was an email, I would think about it more before closing our profile. Then I surprised myself by ending my prayer with, "if we are meant to adopt, I need an email. But I don't want there to be an email."

An hour later I called and asked them to close our account. That experience was weird. When we were unchosen, we asked LDSFS to put our profile on hold. Our status would remain active, but our profile wouldn't be viewable online. We asked a few times and it never happened. I got sick of asking and decided to just ignore it. Its not like we were getting tons of hits anyways. I expected the same thing to happen when we closed our profile. Our profile was down within the hour. A process that took years of sweat, hope and tears was over.

We haven't regretted our decision. We put all our efforts into adopting. We jumped in with both feet. We did our best, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. I wish I could get people to understand that. When we tell people we are no longer trying to grow our family, they act like we are giving up. They tell us to keep faith. To try again in a few years. I just shake my head, they'll never understand. We are happy with the way we are. Our family is small, but we are still a family and we love us the way we are. This has nothing to do with how young we are. This has nothing to do with us needing more faith. This is not about us taking a break and trying again when we are healed. This is about us choosing happiness.

Peoples reactions are why we've not made this a big announcement. We only tell people when they ask. But I'm ready for the world to know. My name is Savannah and my husband is Josh. We have been blissfully married for just over 10 years now. We love the life we have. We tried to have children through pregnancy and adoption, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. There are other families that are just husband and wife. We are going to embrace life now.

I still question why it all had to happen. Why couldn't I have just been happy before? If we were meant to live as a family of two, why did we feel the need to try and adopt? After trying to adopt for about a year, we started handing out pass along cards with our info. Most people were confused. They didn't understand that the best way to adopt is to spread the word you are looking. I finally started telling people, if this doesn't lead to a baby for us, I hope it at least helps someone who is looking into adoption. If I could help just even one girl as she considered her options, it would be worth it.

I'll never know, but I like to think I helped a young women along her path. I bore my testimony of adoption in several emails. I hope that it was because of my example that she was able to make that hard decision. I hope that in all my efforts to embrace adoption, I was able to help her embrace it too. I think that was the reason I had to meet her. I like to think she needed help and I was there to give it to her. If that is the case, then I can say it was all worth it. I'm glad I could be there for her.

National Infertlity Awareness Week - Bust a myth

2011-04-27T11:17:00.000-06:00

It is National Infertility Week and RESOLVE has challenged bloggers to blog about an infertility myth. The goal behind this challenge is to help bring infertility bloggers together and to also help others learn about infertility.

I have faced many of those myths head on over the years.

"Just relax."

"You're still young."

"Just adopt."

"Just try again."

Each of those statements (along with countless others) don't actually help someone with infertility. You can't just relax and suddenly your pregnant. You can't just adopt, its not like going to the store.

But right now the myth I struggle with the most is when people imply that we are not a family if we don't have kids.

Ten years ago, on February 9, 2001, my husband and I were married for time & eternity in the Jordan River Temple. When we went there that morning, we were just two people with no lasting connection. But after that, we were husband and wife. We were officially a family. A family starts the second you are declared man and wife. It doesn't wait to start until you are pregnant. It doesn't wait and start when you hear the first heartbeat. It doesn't wait and start when your first child is born. Josh and I have been a family for 10 years. Not having children doesn't make us less of a family. We are just as much a family as anyone else, whether they have one child or twelve.

Which leads to another myth, our lives aren't complete and happy, unless we become parents.

We've always been happy, even during our struggles. But this last year has been one of the best years of our marriage. Our lives are complete. Our lives do have meaning. We aren't empty shells because we don't have children. We still enjoy things. We still have a life.

My new favorite scripture is 2 Nephi 2:25. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

It doesn't say, men have children so they can have joy. Just simply, "men are they they might have joy."

Its okay if we choose to be happy while living a childfree life. That doesn't make us selfish. We are not forced to sit home in tears that we aren't parents. We are allowed to find new meaning in life. To experience other things.

I don't like it when people imply I have "yet" to start my family. Josh is my family. I also don't appreciate when people act like we are missing out on the world. We have a very rich and full life. I have nothing to complain about. Josh makes me happy. He completes me. If he is the only member of my family, that is okay. I find joy in that.

To learn more about RESOLVE visit HERE. To learn more about National Inferility Awareness Week visit HERE.

Breathe

2011-03-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

A year ago, that was all I could tell myself, "just breathe".

I see you face in my mind as I drive away

'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way

People are people and sometimes we change our minds

But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the of a sad movie

It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see

'Cause its tragedy and it will only bring you down

Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe

Without you, but I have to

Breathe

Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve

People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know its never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe

Without you, but I have to

Breathe

Without you, but I have to

Its two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend

Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me

Its two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend

Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know its never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe

Without you, but I have to

Breathe

Without you, but I have to

Breathe

Without you, but I have to

*Lyrics found at http://www.metrolyrics.com/breathe-lyrics-taylor-swift.html

Hello World

2011-01-28T09:16:00.002-07:00

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer.

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

Baby Stuff

2011-01-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I sold my baby items (pack n play, high chair, bouncy chair and swing). I thought it would hurt. I thought it would make me cry. But instead it was such a freeing experience. We bought those items several years ago with such big hopes and dreams. But actually having those items didn't make our dreams come true. It was just stuff. Stuff that sat around getting dusty and not getting used. Stuff that because it was in a certain room, made me so I couldn't go into said room because I knew I would see it and I would cry. This stuff was holding me back. First it held me back from living my life. Then it held me back from finding myself. Now I feel like its holding me back from healing and peace. Sometimes its just time to let go.

I would have loved to have used it. But when I gave it to the newly expectant mom yesterday, she was so excited. I'm glad someone else gets to be excited about the stuff. Yesterday morning when I packed it in the car, I was mad that it sat there so long. Why didn't I do this sooner?

What if we become parents down the road? Well, its just stuff. Stuff that can be easily bought and replaced. But I'm not worried about that. Now I have a craft room and that makes me happy.

Christmas

2010-12-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

I've worked so hard to make Christmas amazing this year. I started my shopping in October, and for the most part, I was finished before Dec. 1. This year my homemade gifts were finished 2 WEEKS before Christmas instead of 5 hours before Christmas morning. I thought of the PERFECT gift for my husband and when I realized I wouldn't be able to find it, I instead started to buy EVERYTHING for him that I could think of. (Except a gun, I can't pick that out by myself and he is saving his Santa money for one on his own.) I have presents hidden in my house, my in-laws house and at work. Now I just need to sort them into Christmas gifts and Birthday presents and get them all wrapped. I worked hard on my own list and set Josh up his own checking account so he could surprise me this year. I even bought myself one gift and opened it last night because I just can't bear the excitement much longer. Josh doesn't care for Christmas music, but that hasn't stopped me from listening to it at work and on my iPod. I am determined that this will be the best Christmas we've had in years.

So why am I in tears today?

Because this was supposed to be the best Christmas ever. So many years of hoping. So many years of saying "Maybe next year we will have a baby." Last year we were finally able to say, "This is our last year just the two of us." Last year was exciting, mostly because we were already thinking about this year.

I've tried so hard to not think about it. I've watched Josh play Santa and I've tried to forget that this years Christmas card was going to be him dressed as Santa with me and our baby sitting on his lap. Each time I've bought a present, I've tried to not think about what I'd rather be buying. I actually thought I saw two babies at my moms house during her dinner, but then I blinked and realized there was only my nephew.

I've tried to forget that our baby would be six months old now. When we first learned the due date, we immediately counted six months. Josh's family went though the temple on his birthday. It was the most amazing day ever. We were hoping that we could choose that as our sealing date.

I think that is why I have worked so hard on Christmas this year. So I can forget about the Christmas we had hoped for.

Baby Dream

2010-12-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other night that has really bothered me.

In my dream I was playing with a baby and his diaper got real dirty, as in it was leaking every where dirty. I looked around for someone to change it, but I couldn't find anyone. So I changed the diaper myself. Just as I finished a women came in and started yelling at me for changing her baby's diaper. I tried to explain it was leaking and how I didn't want him to get diaper rash, but she just kept yelling at me, "This isn't your baby!" Then later in my dream I was playing with a baby. I would grab his toes and he would giggle. Then he would grab his own toes and giggle some more. We played this game for quite a while. Then the same thing happened. A group of people came in and started yelling at me for playing with a baby that wasn't mine. They just kept yelling "This isn't your baby."

The haunted pink room

2010-12-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Our home has three bedrooms; the master bedroom, the back room and the pink room. The back room is the smallest. For years it has doubled as my craft room and Josh's whatever room (i.e. hunting stuff, reloading stuff, etc.). I've tried to draw a line in that room to keep my side clean from his clutter. I've asked him to not put stuff on my shelf or table. My side stays somewhat organized. His side is a mess that slowly grows and finds its way to my side.

The pink room was just kind of dubbed the baby room, even though we have always called it the pink room. For years it has been a kind of, but not really nursery, and a overflow for when the back room gets full. At times it has been set up as a nursery with the pack and play, the swing, and the high chair set up. At other times those have been folded up and literally stuffed into the closet (they are too big, the closet doesn't close when they are in there). The pack and play has been used maybe 5 times in the four years we have owned it on the rare occasion that I was asked to babysit. And even then, once the mother brought her own pack and play with her. The swing has never been used, at least not for a baby. There have been lonely time where I would go in there and just turn it on and pretend. The high chair has gotten a little bit more use, but even then, not really. I'm tired of storing these items. I'm tired of having a room I don't use.

So its time to go in and knock down the cobwebs (both literal and imagined). But when I go in there, all I do is cry. Cry for what never was. Cry for what almost was. Cry for what most likely will never be. I've decided the room is haunted.

I went in tonight to start to gather a few things that I am donating to a friend for her Christmas Project to provide items to the women's shelter. A few years ago another friend gave me a HUGE garbage bag full of baby boy clothes. I thought I'd start by adding them to my donation pile. That was easy. Then I started going through the stuff I bought. The little boy and little girl outfits I bought because I was in the baby section buying something for a gift for someone else and I just couldn't leave without buying something for me.

And the blankets, oh the blankets I hold so tenderly in my heart. The first one is a cow one that I looked FOREVER for when we first decided to adopt. At that point we were thinking of just looking for a little boy and I was determined to decorate the room (which we would paint blue) in little farm animals. I looked all over the web and couldn't find anything I liked. So then I started looking at fabrics so I could have bedding custom made. Then one day on Ebay, I found it. It was PERFECT. When I got it, I set it up in the Pack and Play just so I could see it every time I went in the room.

Then when we were approved to adopt and our profile was published I bought matching John Deere Blankets in green and pink to celebrate. I bought the green one first on Ebay, but then I decided I needed a pink one too for just in case. (By that time we had decided to be open to any gender). The green blanket came with a little matching pillow. When the seller listed the pink set, it included a small receiving blanket along with the quilt and pillow. I emailed the seller and told them my situation and asked for if it would be possible to get a matching green receiving blanket. They told me if I was the winning bidder on the pink set, they would throw in the green blanket also. I was so excited about those blanket sets! But they just sit in a box unopened and unused.

I am determined to get this room cleaned up and move my craft stuff into there. I would love to do it NOW but between the emotions and the pressure to finish up my Christmas projects it will probably have to wait. But I want to get it done just so I can get it over with. I've held on to this stuff to long. That's all it is anymore, just stuff. Stuff that seems to be holding me in a place I no longer want to be. I'm ready for the freedom that will come by letting go. In a book I am reading about infertility and moving on it said something to the effect of, as long as there is hope, there will also be pain. I completely agree. I'm ready for my life to move on.

Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

2010-11-14T13:20:00.001-07:00

One of my dearest friends shared this excerpt with me from "Spoken From the Heart" by Laura Bush

"For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held? "

Source: Spoken From The Heart By Laura Bush

Thanks for sharing this with me Beth!

Miscarriage vs. Unchosen

2010-11-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

In a way, I used to be grateful I couldn't get pregnant. Because if I couldn't get pregnant, at least I would never have to endure the heartache of a miscarriage. Before we got Josh's results back, I lived in fear that I would find out I was pregnant, only to later miscarry. My periods are never regular, and even though I would remind myself of that, each time I would think "but what if its late this time because I really am pregnant?"

One such period was really late and then when it came it was so bad I was convinced I was miscarrying. It was so horrible. I won't share the details because they are kind of gross, but it seemed so real. One thing I need to learn is that my periods are never on time, never normal and most defiantly never the same.

That is why, in its own way, Josh's results were somewhat of a relief. I have never been pregnant which means I have never miscarried. I used to pray and thank God that I couldn't miscarry. I couldn't get pregnant, but at least I would never have to mourn the loss of a child through miscarriage.

Then I realized, I was an expectant mother and I lost a baby. I know its not the same as a miscarriage, but it feels like it to me. There was a baby that was going to become a part of our family. We had a name picked out and we were just starting to pick out nursery items when we lost our baby. So many hopes and dreams were finally coming true.

Its so hard to loose a baby. It hurts so much. After so many years of waiting we were finally living the joy of expectant parenthood. My husband told me daily that I was glowing and I knew he was right because he was glowing too. I learned that expecting a baby is the highest of high, head in the clouds, kind of happiness. And losing a baby is the lowest and deepest hurt of all hurts.

One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage is the silent mourning. No one seems to understand just how hard it is. They try to reason that there wasn't actually a baby so how can there be a loss. That is something which haunts me the most. I lost a baby! Couldn't some of the closest people in my life acknowledge my loss and how hard it was on me? Their feelings seem to be "just get pregnant again" or "just get back out there and try to adopt again."

It was so hard to mourn because I didn't have some thing physical to direct my grief towards, like a funeral and a monument like mourners have when they loose a loved one to death. But it was so real. I loved that little baby. I had no control to keep her in my life. And there is no way to replace that specific baby. If your husband dies, you don't just go out and marry the first man you meet so you can replace him. Even if you find another man, fall in love and get married, it doesn't replace the your first husband. It is the same when it comes to a miscarriage. You can't just have another baby, that doesn't replace the one you loss. You could have 10 babies, but they all still couldn't replace the loss of the one you lost. There is a hole that will never fully heal in my heart because of my loss.

Now each time I hear of a friend miscarrying, my heart cries out in anguish, because I know how real that loss is, how much it hurts, how devastating it feels. When I try to find the right words of comfort, I realize, there are no words that can be said to make this all better. But I still try because I have to. I have to let them know how I hate that it happened to them and how unfair it seems. I have to let them know I love them and care for them.

Miscarriages are real. And loosing a baby is so painful, so hard.

Waiting for the wind

2010-11-04T14:43:00.000-06:00

A dear friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday about National Adoption Month which of course led to talking about being unchosen. She also has felt the pain of loving a birth mom and her baby, only to have things change. Its a stinging pain. Its a pain that I am learning lessens with time, but still has its moments where it flames up and you feel like it might consume you. I've been focusing mostly on the good memories and rereading some beautiful emails that were my lifeline a year ago. But its so hard to stop the reminiscing there; its hard to remember just the good parts of a story that has a sad ending. But I digress.

In our conversing, my friend said something that I really liked and I wanted to post it so I don't forget it.

"Play it by day by day and see how you feel. You'll either get a 2nd wind to jump in again...or you'll feel the wind blowing you somewhere else. Either way, everything turns out all right in the end."

That is exactly how I feel right now. The wind isn't really blowing me towards adoption right now, but it also isn't really blowing me away from it either.

A year ago...

2010-10-20T08:00:00.006-06:00

A year ago we got an email. At first I thought it was simply another scam. We had seen plenty of those. I was at work when I saw it, so I called Josh to tell him about it. I remember telling him, "Its probably just another scam, but we got an email from Parent Profiles." She had mentioned her due date and in my rush to prove it a scam I did the math, and it was off. But then I decided to turn the calendar to the due date and count backwards 40 weeks. The math was on perfectly. After that I started to hope.

After calming myself for a minute, I sent an email back. Then very impatiently, I waited for a reply. Each hour felt like a week! Finally after 5 LONG hours, I got a reply back from Parent Profiles. Apparently you don't send replies through them. You have to click on the email address from the sender instead of just hitting reply. So I had to send the message again.

After that it just seemed to be a whirlwind of emails. An unbelievable dream. We had finally met someone! She was beautiful and kind and perfect.

A year ago was one of the happiest days of my life. Which really was perfect because a year and a week ago was one of the worst days of my life. C helped me through a hard time. C gave me hope again. C's emails meant the world to me.

Today I'm not going to think about our sad ending. Today I am going to think of the happy beginning and how it changed my life. Today is going to be a good day because a year ago I had a good day. :)

Birds and Bees can't always make babies

2010-09-30T19:12:00.000-06:00

Go HERE to learn more.

I'm still here

2010-09-28T19:00:00.002-06:00

To post or not to post, that has been the dilemma. I start a post and then it becomes too personal so I end up putting it in my journal instead.

So I guess the short version is: most days are fine. For the most part, I am at peace. But infertility is not something you can ever recover from or get over, so that means I still have bad days. I will always have bad days. The problem is I only feel like posting on those bad days, but after writing out my feelings I can't share it.

I think of the "what if" occasionally, but not obsessively like I used to. The first Sunday in church after the baby was born all I could think was "I shouldn't be here." And it was so frustrating because no one knew. The next day I had to celebrate a birth, all the time knowing that the baby I had dreamt about was being placed in the arms of another couple. I hate how infertility makes you plaster on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong, even when you feel your heart breaking inside.

Now my thought only dwell on the "what if" when things are brought to my attention, so I avoid those situations. Some may call in denial (and they might be right), but I call it self preservation. I know what I can and can't handle and I don't push myself past that point. Its hard to establish that point, because it affects others, but I've decided my own sanity is more important then what they think of me.

A while back I realized that adoption is no longer my heart, at least not like it used to be. Adoption is a part of my heart, but not my entire heart anymore. I'm not sure what that means for our future. For now, we are okay with how things are. We're not sure what the future holds, but we are not going to worry about it. Our new motto is "Find joy in the journey...now."

Am I happy? Yes, I am. Josh and I have been able to take a great relationship and make it even better. Our family may be small, but we are still a family and we try to celebrate that every day. Each day I am amazed at how much our love has grown. Next month marks our 12th anniversary since our first date. Every day he amazes me. Because of him, my heart is full.

What if?

2010-08-02T17:30:00.002-06:00

This year, Josh and I decided we would not attend the Families Supporting Adoption Conference. We have attended the last three years, and have loved it each year, but each year we've always thought, "next year we won't still be looking."

I thought I would miss it. I thought Friday morning I would wake up in a panic, pack a bag, head out to Layton and hope to find a hotel to stay in. But Friday came, and that panic did not set in. Sure, I missed it, but mostly I just missed the friends I have made there. The friends I met last year and planned to meet again this year. The friends I have made on-line this last year and hoped to meet in person while there this year.

We have reached a new level of peace in our family building. We are okay with how things are. Feeling like I could miss conference has just helped add to the peace I have found lately.

Two months ago I started a blog post, but it never got past the draft stages. Here is part of it:

"I'm tired. I'm broken. For now, I am done.

Done with the waiting. Done with the hoping. Done with the looking."

Most days I still feel broken. But that's because I am. My body doesn't work. As a woman, I'm designed to create babies, but my body won't let me. I guess because of that, I will always be broken. Infertility will always be a part of me. I have fought against it for years, but its something I will never be able to change. There are dreams that will never come true.

Some days, I feel the same about adoption. All the waiting. All the hoping. All the heartache. All the unanswered questions and unanswered prayers.

I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of the unknown. Tired of the things I can't control or change.

A few months ago, we took on a new outlook on life. What if we never become parents? What if we are wasting all this time on something that may never happen. What if we loose ourselves so completely in the waiting game, that we loose each other? What about all the other stuff we've wanted to do with our lives? Things we can do now.

So what if we never become parents? Is that so bad? We married because we loved each other. That has never changed. We didn't marry each other because we thought we would make beautiful babies. We married because we wanted to spend the rest of eternity with each other.

What does all of this mean about our future family building? I'm not sure yet. I just know I am ready to start living a new way. I want to enjoy each moment. Not spend each moment going, "Nope, can't do/spend/plan that because what if we get chosen?" If it is going to be just the two of us, then we are going to live it the best way we can.

If they only knew

2010-06-19T20:43:00.007-06:00

So hard for so many reasons. It just seems to surround me from every direction. I'm sure right now I must act like the most uncaring person, but why can't they see my pain? Why do they ignore me when this is the most painful thing I have ever gone through? I fear I will suffocate from all of it and they won't even notice I'm gone. They ignore my pain and in my anger, I push away from their happiness. They don't want me. My unhappiness is a burden to them.

And yet a ray of love from an unexpected direction. Of all the people to take notice of me right now, she was the last person I expected. Which just further proves, she really is an amazing person. I can't believe that while her own heart is breaking, she would think of me.

At least I have my husband. My friend. My protector. My everything. Without him by my side, I would be totally lost. He is the reason I live each day the best I can, even when my best is so little.

I thought after it all happened, it would start to get better.

Waiting for the end

2010-05-27T23:45:00.002-06:00

I keep rewritting this post. I want to share my emotions, but then I don't. So here is the short version.

I know I haven't posted much here for a while. There just isn't much to say. I still feel devastated that I won't be a mom this summer. I still don't understand what we did wrong. I don't understand how we could meet someone so wonderful, and then only have her in our life for such a short time.

Crying has become a way of life for me, a daily part of my life. Everything makes me cry and so does all the nothingness.

I haven't blogged about my feelings much because it tends to bring out the anonymous comments. Anonymous rarely have something nice to say. They make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel such a loss. I was finally going to be a mom! After years of trying and years of waiting, the end was in sight. We had a due date and we were in love with someone. This is a loss. My pain is real.

So anonymous, before your panties get in a wad, let me try to clarify myself.

My feelings are not meant as an attack against any birth mother. My feelings are about me not becoming a mom in the near future. I still love C. I think of her often and hope she is doing well. She is an amazing young women and I am sure the adoptive family she chose are just as amazing. I know God's hand was in the choosing of the family for her little girl. I just don't understand why God wanted us in her life for such a short time. Maybe if I could find peace and understanding there, maybe I wouldn't cry so much. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

But on the other hand, I think by not blogging, I have given the illusion that all is fine. I can't keep pretending that all is fine. My heart is broken and I don't think it will ever heal.

There is two rungs on the ladder before I hit rock bottom, and they are coming up fast. I just hope that once I do hit bottom, I can find the strength to pick myself back up. Right now I'm just sitting on the edge waiting for it to all happen...

Anonymous, feel free to comment. I actually get a kick out of what you are willing to say since you don't have to attach your name. You have not beaten me. If you had, I would no longer accept anonymous comments, or I would make my blogs completely private. Have a nice day.

PS - I'm getting ready for a relaxing weekend. I think I'll try to stay offline this weekend. If you don't see your comment published for a few days, don't panic. I'll do that when I get back online on Monday.

The little things

2010-04-09T08:50:00.000-06:00

My purse feel apart a few weeks ago. It had been hanging by a thread for quite some time. I loved this purse, Zipper loved to chew on this purse and that is the reason for its demise.

I can't bring myself to go buy another purse. A few months ago when I noticed its condition I decided I would tough it out until this summer. Then I would need a diaper bag and I could just carry my wallet in it.

I don't need a diaper bag anymore...

I am amazed at how the little things, like a purse, remind me that I'm not going to be a mom this summer.

We have talked about letting Ally have kittens this summer, but I didn't want to have kittens at the same time we had a baby. We think she is pregnant now and they can't come fast enough. I need a distraction and her belly isn't even growing yet.

I think about taking a day off of work and I won't because I was saving all my time for when the baby came.

I'm not even going to mention the baby shower invites.

I wish every little thing didn't remind me I'm not going to be a mom this summer.

He Lives!

2010-03-29T18:58:00.006-06:00

Every day is a new struggle. Why did we wait so long to just be looked at? (We started the adoption process three years ago.) In September of 2009, we had the chance to visit with a young mother on the phone. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let this work for our family, knowing the entire time that it wasn't our baby. I remember the next morning posting on Facebook, "Its still early in the morning, but already I know the answer is no, and it breaks my heart."

Why was it so clear then that that situation wouldn't work out, but why did everything with C feel so different, like it would work out? Why were we chosen, only to later be unchosen? So many questions, and still not many answers. I think I'm okay with how things turned out with C, things happen and minds change. I understand that. But now my questions are for my Heavenly Father. Why must I suffer this heart break? Why after so much yearning, am I still childless? Why did we come so close, only to be so far again?

Today, comfort came in the form of a Swaperoos gift. I was in tears before I left the Post Office.

A charm from my favorite Etsy Store.

Last year my Swaperoo partner had a failed placement. I hope it is okay with her if I share part of her message to me.

"Anyway, something I found myself clinging to last Spring was the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives. The lyrics got me through a lot. I knew he could take pain and grief and sorrow from me, but it is a continual process to remember to access the Atonement as you travel down your path laden with twists and turns and roller coaster rides. The first package holds something special I custom ordered for you from The R House Couture (hence the two packages...that one is coming directly from Lindsey). Before you open it, I hope you'll read through the hymn and remember that Spring/Easter is a time of new beginnings and that He lives to take away your pain, wipe your tears away, and silence all your fears. I hope you love it!"

This used to be one of my favorite hymns, I'm surprised I had forgotten it until now. On the drive home, I tried to sing it, all I could remember was most of the second verse. Here is the lyrics to the entire song if you're like me and can't remember all of it.

I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives.

He lives, He lives who once was dead.

He lives, my ever living head.

He lives to bless me with his love.

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed.

He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my souls complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise heavenly friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives and while he lives I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

When I got home, I remembered a seminary lesson many years ago. This is taken from my seminary journal, November 19, 1999:

"My favorite reason 'He lives' in Hymn #136 is 'He lives to comfort me with faint." I have felt his comfort before, so real that it seemed as if i was in his lap crying and that he was there offering me support and comfort.

Here is my own verse to this hymn -

He lives to hold me when I cry.

He lives to protect me from all lies.

He lives and watches me from above.

He lives and extends me all his love."

I will admit I am weak and I've had my moments when I've wanted to be mad at God. (I will also admit how relieved I was when our caseworker told me all the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.) But I can't be mad at God because I know that He does live, and He does hear my souls complaint. He has comforted me and He has helped calm my troubled heart. I find it odd I only wrote half verse all those years ago. Here is how I would end it:

He lives to grant me daily peace.

He lives, helping to build my eternity.

He lives to tell me if only I could see,

The promises He holds for me.

Thanks for the gift Megan, it was perfect.

For My Broken Heart

2010-03-04T10:15:00.003-07:00

Tuesday we were unchosen by our potential birth mom. I was at work when I got the email. I don't remember much more of that day except trying to hide the tears. On Wednesday I woke up to realize it wasn't a bad dream. I figured since the world was still turning, I might as well go to work. I made it through the day, but just barely. The most touching part of the day was when a co worker helped spread the word, so I wouldn't have to.

I don't think I can make it through another day of normalcy. We are taking the rest of the week off and are headed out of town.

Great post on Infertility

2010-01-03T20:42:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine wrote a beautiful post about serving infertile people. It has a touching movie on it too. Go check it out on Giving What I Am.

2009-11-20T08:10:00.001-07:00

Today's Finding Faith Friday article has really helped me. Lately I have really struggled with the idea of birth grandparents. Not that I don't want them in our lives, I do. What is bothering me, is the thought of them talking their daughter out of adoption.

I know I can't truly understand how tough it must be for them. It must be hard when their child announces they are expecting. But I'm sure with the pain of "What if" and "Why now, like this" there is also the excitement. What parent doesn't get excited after hearing they are going to be a grandparent?

What kind of heartache do they face when their child announces they want to place their child for adoption? I'm sure most parents spend years dreaming about their someday grandchildren and to learn that their grandchild will be placed with another family must be hard.

Today there seems to be so many single mothers raising children and grandparents raising grandchildren. I have a hard time with that. Josh and I believe so strongly in forever families and the importance of a child having a mother and father in their lives. A child raised in a single parent home won't get those eternal blessings that we are striving so hard to provide. Grandparents shouldn't have to raise their grandchildren. They did that once, now their reward should be getting to spoil the grandchildren and then send them home for their parents to raise and discipline.

I should correct myself. I do see a difference between single mothers who conceive out of wedlock and single mothers forced into single motherhood by divorce or death. To me a single mother that chooses to raise her child by herself, loves herself more than her child. I do not feel the same about a single mother through divorce or death. They didn't choose those circumstances. Even in a divorce, I'm sure they didn't marry thinking one day they might have to do it alone. I admire those mother. They didn't choose to be single parents, but now that they are, they do their very best for their children. I know several single mothers (mostly through divorce) and I love and admire them.

I seem to have gotten off track. Right now I am not in an emotionally stable frame of mind when it comes to the birth grandparents. My deepest fear is that when we are chosen she will later change her mind because her parents talk her out of it. It happens all the time. I'm sure this is because they fear losing their grandchild. I understand that.

But I wish I could help them see the beauty of open adoption. They aren't losing a grandchild. They are gaining more family members that will do the very best for that child. They are gaining a loving, stable, environment for their grandchild to grow up in and a forever family in the eternities. There is nothing wrong with having more people love this child.

We are so excited about open adoption and we hope that both birth parents and their parents can be involved in our child's life. I look forward to inviting them to big events like birthday's and baptisms. But right now I am just terrified of them ruining our chances of having a family.

-----
Maybe I shouldn't even post this, because now I am scared of the backlash. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself.

DeJa Vu?

2009-10-26T16:45:00.003-06:00

Today I had to go see the doctor about a PCOS related issue. A few years ago we had a lady doctor move to the area, so I had switched to her, but she moved this spring and referred me back to the OBGYN. I put off this appointment for a little while, mostly because I miss having a Mrs. before the doctor's name.

Last week I paused in my waiting to become to a mother to remind myself that even though I don't care for the wait, at least I am beyond that "monthly meltdown". No more pregnancy test = no more negative pregnancy tests. My stress and depression was so greatly reduced when we realized a pregnancy was not meant to be. I don't miss that. When trying to conceive that four week wait was killer! Am I pregnant? My period is two days late, does that mean something? Oh, how I HATED those moments. Infertility literally tears a person apart as they wait for those two little lines or the plus sign to appear.

Sure, we have waited 21 (gulp) months, but not once in that time have I had to break down and cry because once again I'm not pregnant. With our adoption wait the time seems to pass differently. It's not like it's a more pleasant wait, because it isn't, but at least I don't have a mental and emotional breakdown every 4 weeks.

So back to today. I didn't know how to react when I went to the doctor. I walked in and there was 7 very pregnant bellies staring at me. Do I sit by the door so everyone coming and leaving walks past me, their belly eye level with me, or do I sit at the front and face the same dilemma? Sadly, there was not a lot of room and I sat right under the TV so they all stared at me. It wasn't traumatic to me, just odd.

But it reminded me of all my friends still trying to conceive, they are still living that nightmare of month to month negative tests. Maybe I needed that little reminder to humble me and remind me that even though I am at peace, some of my friends aren't. My heart goes out for you and you are in my daily prayers. And I can say that with full conviction, because I've been there.

The funny ending to my appointment was my doctor tried to suggest Clomid and I immediately said no because I've heard how horrible that stuff can be. When I tried to explain our zero sperm count, he suggested a donor. I'm so glad that I am in a comfortable place that I knew the answer without even having to think about it. I know for us, personally, adoption is our answer. But I'm also glad to know I have a new, caring doctor.

Faith can move mountains

2009-09-10T09:45:00.000-06:00

Even though 1 out 6 couples suffer from infertility, it is still a lonely world. It's hard to live in a world when babies continue to enter your life from every direction. It hard to trudge forward with your head held high, when you feel so misunderstood. It's hard to hope on the unknown.

It's just as hard to live as an expectant parent after being approved for adoption. In January 2008 our paperwork was approved and we became a waiting couple. We became expectant parents. We started our own, be it long and drawn out, pregnancy.

I try to not murmur about our trial of infertility. I've tried to remain positive and uplifting to those around me. I've tried to share my excitement, but that's hard to do when there is no end in sight.

Infertility and waiting on adoption is met with lots of advice.

*You just need to relax.

*Be patient, your time will come, it will happen.

*You need to have more faith.

Those three statements are what I dread THE MOST to hear. But they are what I hear the most often. But right now, it's the third one that is troubling me today. "You just need to have more faith."

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we didn't have faith. Each morning I get up and check our adoption email account, hoping to finally see a message. Seventeen times now, I have opened my email to see that I have a new message. Seventeen times I have thought, "What if its another scam?" But, seventeen times I have clicked on new message hoping against the odds. Seventeen times I have been wrong, but I continue to check this email account on a regular basis. Is that not a sign of my faith?

Each day I watch couples with their children and each day I dare to think, "that will be me someday." Is that not faith? Each night I find myself in deep prayer. Praying for our birth parents; for their health, for their comfort, for their love. Each night I pray that our time will come soon that we will become parents. Is that not faith?

Each day I try to hand out our adoption pass along cards. Sometimes I am met with comments that they won't make a difference. Sometimes I am told it's a waste of my efforts. But I continue to hand them out! I feel that even if our cards don't result in a baby for us, if they help a young women choose adoption, than I am making a difference. Is that not faith?

Sometimes I dare to dream big and I start to talk about those dreams, only to to met by opposition. It comes in many forms, but always it is heartbreaking and I promise myself I will not subject myself to that again. And yet, faith lives on, and down the road I start to try to share those dreams once again.

I know these people mean well, and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. I know they say things out of love, I just don't hear it that way.

A week ago I took the biggest leap of faith in regards to our adoption. I told a girl we weren't the parents for her precious baby. Is that not faith? It is so hard to say no. It's hard to think that we could be parents now. But because of my faith, I knew it was what we needed to do. I said no, because I have faith that something better will happen to our family.

I have several friends who are exercising faith while they wait for their families to grow. One friend tried for 18 months to get pregnant. 18 months! I never once would have dreamed of telling her to have more faith. I've had friends struggle to get pregnant and then a few short weeks later have a miscarriage. Would you caution them to have faith? (If you would, than you are not a nice person.)

In our church we are taught that faith CAN move mountains. I've probably heard that a thousand times. And yet, I don't think I've heard that faith WILL move mountains. To me, that is a significant difference. Faith CAN move mountains. If a mountain needs moved, a person can have faith enough to do so. But I don't believe that any faithful person can just move a mountain after having faith to do so. That mountain will move if and when it needs to.

Infertility is our mountain. If my faith alone was enough, then I should have been able to become pregnant. But that was a mountain that didn't need to be moved. It could have, but instead it was a mountain I needed to go over. It's a mountain that needs to stay where it is. My faith could have moved it, but it didn't.

Our adoption wait is our next mountain. I have faith that this mountain can and will be overcome. I also have faith that it will happen on the Lord's timetable, not mine. Even though I continue to pray everyday for our child doesn't mean I lack faith. My prayers are ways of telling my Father that although I am still waiting, I have faith that it can happen. My prayers are said each night so I can feel the peace from my Father in Heaven. My prayers are NOT a lack of faith, rather they are a sign of my faith. If I didn't have faith our adoption would happen, I wouldn't pray for it.

I may get down at times, but I am not broken. Infertility didn't kill me and the adoption wait won't either.

Broken

2009-09-08T16:57:00.001-06:00

Broken by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Article - All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good

2009-09-03T15:00:00.000-06:00

While I was working on my Finding Faith Friday, I found this article. Its a really good article, but it didn't feel right to be my Friday feature so I thought I would share it now. I've highlighted by favorite parts, but the entire article is pretty good, I just didn't feel that the entire thing applied to me. If you would like to read the full article, please click on the title. Tune in tomorrow for my regular schedule article.

All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good

Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President
May 2004 Ensign

In a sense all of us are in the middle of our own novels, our own life stories. Sometimes our stories feel very intense, and we would like to read ahead to know our own end, to make sure that everything is going to turn out all right. While we don’t know the particular details of our life’s experiences, fortunately we do know something about our futures, if we live worthily.

We are given this insight in Doctrine and Covenants 90:24: “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly.” This stunning promise from the Lord that all things shall work together for our good is repeated many times in the scriptures, particularly to people or prophets who are suffering through the trials of their own life stories.

I sense that this promise comes from a tender, caring Father who desires to bless us and give us reason to hope through our earthly journey. Knowing that eventually all things will work together for our good will help us endure affliction like the faithful people from the scriptures who knew of His promises and trusted in them, “having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them” (Heb. 11:13). We too can embrace this promise.

Sometimes we see immediate fulfillment of the promise. Other times we plead for years before we see the desired promises fulfilled.

Everywhere there are young women who are in the middle of their own stories, facing dangers and hardships. As with Peter there will be “angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). They will sustain us as we carry our earthly burdens. Often in our lives, those angels are the people around us, the people who love us, those who allow themselves to be instruments in the Lord’s hands. President Spencer W. Kimball said: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom”

Answered Prayers

2009-09-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

A few months ago my prayers changed. I still kept my plea, "please let a birth mom choose us, and please let it be soon". But I could feel my self sinking and I needed something to change, to keep me from dropping down into despair. So in addition to my pleas for a child I also added, "please just let us know that we are at least being looked at."

After a few months, it felt like a repetition to my prayers, but I needed something to restore my confidence, something to let us know we were making an appearance in the adoption world.
Of course, with all prayers, the Lord knew when I would really need this prayer answered. Only He would know that I was strong enough to struggle on further. Only He could really see when I would need that answer.

Saturday night was just another normal night for us. Josh was grilling dinner outside and I was blogging online when the phone rang. A young woman was looking at Parent Profiles; she was looking at OUR profile. I was so nervous and found it hard to talk so I asked her to first tell us about her. What a delightful person who has been placed in such a tough place. She loves her little girl and wants to give her the world. She liked us because we looked so happy. I had a nice time visiting with her, and the excitement I felt was amazing. Could this be our little girl?

By the next morning we knew that this was not our little girl. It was heartbreaking. We knew that morning we needed to tell this brave young woman to keep looking for a family and yet it took us hours to finally write the email and then even a few more hours to send it. It's so hard to say no.

It was another learning experience for us. We still aren't sure when we will finally get to adopt, but we know that this wasn't our time. Josh said it perfectly when he reminded me we are looking for our child and if this girl isn't ours than we would be taking someone else's baby and that wouldn't be fair.

I never could have had the strength to say no if I wasn't so sure of the comfort and peace I knew my Heavenly Father would give me. I knew that when we said no, I would not be alone. I knew He would be right there to carry until I find the strength to move on.

I also remembered those prayers I have been sending heavenward for so long now. I thought I needed that answer months ago and even weeks ago. But this last week has been so trying. This past week was one of the times where for a brief moment I said, "I can't do it. I'm ready to give up." I don't have those extreme moments often, but when I do, my Savior is there to give me a push and a reminder that I can do this. I'm so grateful He waited until now to answer my prayers.

Empty Arms

2009-08-28T09:23:00.002-06:00

Infertile followers, check out this link. It leads to a video about infertility.
http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Taking a break from sanity to battle some demons...

2009-08-27T11:43:00.000-06:00

*Warning, this is a LONG post. I've actually been working on it since May. I would get frustrated and add to it, then calm down and edit it some more. With the return of my recent demons I became determined to finish this post and hopefully be able to move beyond these issues.

I love telling people we are looking to adopt. I don't mind telling people that we are infertile, I can even joke about it (we have no sperm in our marriage!). But that's about all I can do. I wish I could find the words to describe our infertility, how it makes us feel, how it has changed us and how it affects our day to day life. Maybe if I could talk about it, then people could understand us better, why we have hard days, what causes them, why I sometimes get angry and why I sometimes (okay, all the time) get offended so easily.

A few years ago I dropped into a deep, dark place. I wasn't a mother and thought my life was over. What was the point of living if I couldn't be a mother? I wasn't happy. I would go days with endless crying and other days just feeling numb so I wouldn't cry. It was hard to function. When I was around people I was angry, mean, hurtful, (please continue this list as you like). I thought I could never be happy again, unless I was a mother, but who would give a baby to a bitter person like me?

One of the biggest things that helped turn my life around was joining some support groups. I started meeting other people like me. They too couldn't have babies, and therefore their dreams couldn't come true. I heard stories very similar to mine and stories that were more painful than mine. But I also gleamed hope and faith from these friends. They had found a way to move on with their lives and I could too.

Prayer, hope, faith, time and a loving husband are what pulled me through. I was able to find other reasons to be happy. I was able to restore my faith that I can still be a mother someday. I was able to repair some of the damaged relationships I had sabotaged. I was able to rejoice with my friends as I watched their dreams come true.

I have come a long ways, but infertility is not something you can ever recover from. It will always be a part of my life, it will always be my demon. I have reached the point where I can celebrate new births. I don't think I celebrate them as much as others do, but I no longer dread them. I no longer try to ignore them. I no longer fall apart when they happen. But even as I smile to welcome a new little life, silently my heart is breaking inside of me.

I think that is where some of the misunderstanding comes from. "She must be okay, or she wouldn't have come," is what I fear they say behind my back. But those milestones that pregnant women get to celebrate are road blocks that I have to navigate past. I'm okay that I can't get pregnant... until they start talking about the good moments like hearing the heart beat of the very first time, feeling them kick, seeing them move on an ultrasound and talking about their first moments in this world. Then my demons start to haunt me again.

When families around me started to grow and therefore things started to change, I became angry. They didn't do those kind of things before! They didn't own stuff like that before! I let this eat me up for a long time. I convinced myself that this stuff was happening because they loved these people more than us. It took me a long time to realize what it was really about.

Of course they didn't have toys or traditions like that before. They had no children in their lives before so what was the point. Of course things would change after babies started to enter the family, with those new additions came changes to how things were.

Each time I come to these new revelations, I just have to battle my demons. I just can't immediately accept these new understandings. They make sense and I know I should be okay, but I still have to fight my way to acceptance and peace. Sometimes it takes days and sometimes it takes weeks.

Entering into the adoption world brought so many insecurities. The first (and biggest) stress is, will a birth mom ever find us, fall in love with us, and choose us to parent her child? But those thoughts led to others and eventually I started to question EVERYTHING about myself. What do I know about being a mom? Why do I have to wait for someone to think I am good enough to raise a child? What if they don't like (insert odd quirks here) about me? What if we never get chosen? I'm not cool/pretty/smart/talented/etc. to be chosen. Why must the waiting be so long? Why must the waiting be so HARD?

I was thinking of those issues the other day and I am struggling to over come them. When we did our paperwork, the hardest thing to do was the birth mom letter. We had two pages to talk about ourselves and why we thought we could be great parents. We agonized over the letter and I think we rewrote each line about a dozen times. I kept thinking that if our families read it they would point things out that they didn't like.

After it was finished I had a few copies and a friend picked one up and started reading. My heart jumped out of my chest. I DIDN'T want her to read it. I couldn't understand why. I knew that strangers would be reading my letter and I was okay with it, but I was afraid of what this person would think. When we had family proof read it, I was terrified of what they would say. "That's not exactly true", "Why would you describe stuff that way", "Do you really do that?"

I also started to stress over what people would think when our family grew through adoption. Would they love our children just as much as they would have if they had been physically born into our family? What if biological children were loved more than our adopted children. I really struggled with this. My heart broke over the "what ifs".

Which leads to my newest battle. I just assume that people should care about how we are doing and that they should do something to show they are thinking about us. Then when that doesn't happen, I get mad and declare that I KNOW they don't like me. I have convinced myself that if people don't ask about our adoption, it's because they don't care and it has caused me such heartache. I know this isn't really true, but in my mind all I can hear is "they don't care about you." It may sound silly, but I have lost sleep over this.

After stewing over this for, well probably near to FOREVER, I realized something. Maybe it's hard to talk about the unknown. Maybe it's hard to speculate about something that isn't a guarantee. Maybe they don't want to get our hopes up and give us false hope. Maybe they DO care, but they don't know how to show it.

I've been stewing over this new concept for a few weeks now. It makes sense, or at least I know it should. But I think I have lived with this self doubt for so long that I can't shake it off yet. I've spent so long telling myself that no one cares that I think I have come to believe it. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but those doubts creep right back in.

And yet each day as this battle goes on, I seem to gain a little ground. Sometimes its the actions of others that gives me understanding. Sometimes it is me, finally succumbing to the will of the Lord.

Sometimes it is a matter of sincere, deep, and long prayers just asking for this burden to be taken from me. I have felt those prayers being answered. I've had moments where I thought "what if..." Then I obsess over it. "If I could just have this experience, I would be okay." And yet I know those are experiences I can't have. So then I just ask for the desire to be taken from me. And it has worked. I'm not asking for the desire of motherhood to be taken, just moments, like hearing heartbeats.

Infertility is not going to break me. I am learning to live with it, learning to deal with the heartache it brings into my life. Some days it doesn't affect me and some days I still have moments where it paralyzes me, but I think I have finally reached the point where I don't revolve around it every waking (and sleeping) moment of my life. Infertility has become a part of who I am, but I don't need to let it be the only thing that I am.

Paper Pregnancy vs. Belly Pregnancy

2009-08-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

Infertility has taken the opportunity to speculate about children. I hate it that when someone is expecting, everyone can wonder about the baby. Will she look like mom or dad? Will he be blond or brunette? Will she look like her sister or brother? I always want to remind people that we too are expecting. Sure we don't have a due date. Really, we don't know a single thing about our potential child. But they are in our hearts. We dream about them every night. We talk about them every day. We want to share this experience with everyone.

I guess it's hard to speculate about the unknown. With a pregnancy, the parents and family can talk about upcoming events. "Just think, next Christmas, baby won't be in your belly anymore and will be here to celebrate with us." We don't get that luxury. We have spent many holidays now thinking "next year..." But with adoption, we really don't know that our baby will be here by Christmas, or by any certain date for that matter.

I just feel so left out. Everyone will start talking about future events and such and they always include those who have a bun in the oven, but not about those who are paper pregnant. Do they think it will never happen? Or do they think that it might hurt to mention the fact that not only are we childless, but also we are waiting on the unknown world of adoption to help our family grow? I really think it is the second reason, but it's still hard to deal with.

I want to sit around the dinner table and talk about how our child will have a seat at it someday. Will they have dark curly hair to go with their brown eyes? I want to speculate if our child will be daddy's hunting buddy or mommy's little girl. I want to feel like our family is thought about, hoped for and dreamt about.

An adoptive friend of mine recently posted about this same subject on her blog. Check it out HERE. She was able to describe so many of my thoughts and feelings about waiting in the background of expectant motherhood. She talks about a friend who is expecting a baby through adoption and was just matched with a birth mom. Now this friend wants to start preparation work on the nursery. Some are hesitant to help her because they are fearful the adoption will fall through and not take place.

We live with that fear too, and we aren't even matched with a birth mom yet. It's one of the risks we take by trying to have our family grow through adoption. But all methods of reaching mother hood are risky. I have friends that have suffered miscarriages, still births, and early births that resulted in death. But they were all mothers. They all celebrated their pregnancy, speculated about their children and made preparations for their arrival. And then tragically their children were taken from them.

As an expectant adoptive mother why shouldn't I be allowed to act the same. We are anxiously awaiting our child. Why can't that be celebrated and talked about? If we have an adoption fall through we are going to mourn no matter what. Just because our child isn't in my belly, doesn't mean we love it any less. Our child is growing in our hearts.

Surrounded by mothers

2009-08-18T17:14:00.004-06:00

I had an experience this weekend, and even though I'm still not sure what to think of it, I wanted to write it down.

I struggled off and on for the last few weeks about still being childless. Some days the waiting just seems to be too much and I want to give up. I was on the mountain waiting for Josh to call me back and in the quite of my car, I once again found myself pouring out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

"Why must we wait so long?"

"What am I supposed to be learning from this?"

"Will we be parents soon?"

"Why can't I just be a mother already?"

In the midst of all my questions, I looked up at the road. A deer was crossing the road. Halfway across she looked back to watch her fawn cross with her. When she reached the other side of the road, she stopped again to make sure the fawn was still with her.

I don't believe this was coincidence. I believe that I needed to be reminded that motherhood happens in nature. Once again, I was able to find the peace that I go looking for so often.

Alma 17: 2-3

2009-08-11T13:24:00.004-06:00

I'm really trying today to remember that I am grateful for my infertility. I KNOW that we are supposed to adopt. It is something that is burned in my heart and soul. And yet, sometimes I still feel like I am missing out because I can't get pregnant.

While looking for an article for my Finding Faith Friday I came across Alma 17. I am getting better at relating to the scriptures.

Alma 17:2-3
" 2 Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

3 But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God."

I don't want to quote the scriptures incorrectly, but when I read the above scriptures I felt, in my heart, a few things.

1. Alma rejoiced to see his brethren because they shared something in common. A few weeks ago I was rejoicing because I finally got to meet several of the people from the 2ofus4now.org group. It was so rewarding to be surrounded by so many that had gone through the struggle of infertility. Some have been able to finally have the family of their dreams through adoption, and some are still waiting for that miracle. But I was happy for every one of them because we understand each other, we've all had to live with the pain of infertility.

2. Alma and his brethern searched the scriptures. When we were approved to adopt I couldn't get enough information. I wanted to know EVERYTHING about adoption. I have learned a lot, but there is still so much more for me to learn.

3. I have spent countless hours on my knees in prayer with my Heavenly Father asking Him to help me accept his will. Because of that I have come to know that we need to adopt and over time it has made the pain of infertility lessen. Both Josh and I believe that we were preordained in Heaven to adopt. Of course, we can't remember that, but because of all my prayers I have come to believe that to be true. Our Heavenly Father HAD a plan for our family. OUR Family is going to be amazing, but first we must come to terms with our suffering, learn to accept His will and His timetable.

4. When Alma and his brethern taught, they TAUGHT with power. They were passionate about the word of God. I feel the same about adoption. It is my passion. I love telling people about how it has changed, how it has touched so many lives, how it will bless our family. If I run out of time to talk, I give them my email and tell them to contact me so I can tell them more.

I still have my days when I struggle with infertility. Some days I can quickly move on. Other days I almost have to relive the pain for a little while. I don't know why. But usually at the end of my revisited grief I can remember just how blessed I am.

Life lessons from infertility

2009-08-06T16:10:00.005-06:00

Something happened this week that kind of upset me. It wasn't adoption related but within minutes I was comparing this experience to my infertility trying to figure out how I need to accept what was happening.

When we were still trying to get pregnant, each month was a blow to my heart. My period would be late, so I would get excited and take a pregnancy test. But they were always negative. I reached the point where I thought the only way I could be happy was to become pregnant. I thought if that never happened, then my life would be worthless. I LIVED TO SEE THOSE TWO LITTLE PINK LINES.

But then we started to think adoption, and I knew that I could be happy again. I didn't have to get pregnant to be a mother. I can still have little children running up and down the hallway of our home.

So when my heart was troubled earlier this week I realized that even though we thought things would happen a certain way and now they won't, it's okay. God has something else in mind and when we finally realize what His plans are, we will be happy with how things turned out.

I received this email, well who knows when. I've been holding on to it for quite a while and thought I would post it here. Maybe to some it makes no sense to relate it to infertility, but it sums up how I feel today.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go
Some people become friends and stay a while
leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts
and we are never quite the same
because we have made a good friend.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to us in all other relationships, and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing that you are a Child of God.
Let His presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance and to bask in the sun.
It is there for each and every one of you.

Thoughts on Infertility

2009-07-27T13:35:00.005-06:00

Last year we had to take an adoption class. They gave us a disc with a ton of articles and I just remembered they had some on infertility. I will share them over the next few weeks.

Patrician Irwin Johnson:
"As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Barbara Eck Manning:
"My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear form it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."

Al Berk & J. Shaprio:
"Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life's goals - the pregnancy experience and having children - is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief."

Silber & Dorner:
"Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss - it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible."

Let's discuss infertility

2009-07-27T13:31:00.003-06:00

I have a friend who is currently struggling with infertility. I've been there, it's not fun. She has asked for people to comment and explain how they deal with their infertility. I thought it was a great idea so I want to do it here too. Please leave a comment about how infertility has affected your life and what you did to overcome the overwhelming sadness of it.

I think my blog is set up to accept anonymous comments so feel free to do so if you don't want to identify yourself.

Infertility is something that will never go away, but hopefully it is something we can all learn to live with.

One Lovely Blog

2009-07-22T07:31:00.006-06:00

When I first started this blog, it was private. It was my place to go vent when I felt like the world was unfair because I was infertile. Slowly I started to invite a few people to view it; my only requirement? They were infertile like me. But then I decided that I didn't need to hide my feelings about infertility so I opened this blog up. The results?

I won an award!! Thank you Brenda for this award. I am honored (and surprised, but still mostly honored). Brenda runs a couple blogs that are awesome. She talks openly about infertility on I AM where she wrote an awesome letter to fertile woman. She also has a family blog and my favorite part is Matching Monday. It is the first place I go every Monday morning. Thank you Brenda for your work in helping these children find homes. Thanks to you I have taken a step off the cliff and inquired about a waiting sibling group. (Which we were told to wait until the END of July for a response!)

Getting back to the award...

Here are the rules:

1. Put the award on your blog.

2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Nominate 6 or more blogs

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

1. My very favorite infertility blog is In Pursuit of Parenthood. She writes everything I wish I could say in such a beautiful, thought provoking way. I would highlight just one post of hers, but I love all of them.

2. When I need a good laugh, I always go to 3 Cute Kids. Here kids crack me up! My favorite post is You can choose. This has become a running joke at our house! We are always using it against each other telling them to choose something.

3. I have always dreamed of having twins and looking at all the pictures of these two little girls at Trent & Carlie and Co. I want a set of twins of my own. Even if you don't have twins, be sure to check out her Twin Tips because they could apply to anyone with a baby.

4. Sometimes I actually feel blessed about our infertility (got to love that male infertility can be a final answer to your medical woes), especially when I watch friends take on the evil pill known as Clomid. I am so glad I never had to try that. What a wrecky hormone pill! But my friend, Ashley, at Feigning Fertility is trying to conceive with that pill.

5. When we decided to adopt, I was delighted to learn that I had a cousin who was adopting too. I love talking with her about our struggles and I secretly hope that heaven smiles down on us and we adopt at the same time so our children can be friends. I also wish I could decorate as beautifully as she does.

6. Failed adoptions are heartbreaking. In just one week I knew of three different couples who had one happen to them. An Eternal Family in Progress was one of them. They are currently holding a contest that will help them spread the word that they are trying to adopt.

7. The star of Kiara's Corner is of course Kiara. What a doll! She is cute and funny. Check out some of her silliness at Kiara-isms.

8. When we first decided to adopt, open adoption terrified us. But then we started to meet people and learn what a wonderful thing it really is. Dustin, Andrea & Avery have a great open adoption with their birth mom Andee. I can only hope and pray that someday we can have that kind of relationship too.

9. I follow several crafty blogs, but one of my favorites is Inky Smiles. She is amazing at scrap booking. Someday I will get brave enough to actually try some of the things she does like Quilling & Butterflies.

10. I can't forget my other favorite blog. (Her kids have me rolling on the floor in laughter!) Mommy Musings: Notes from the Trenches, may look like she has her hands full, but with kids like hers there is never a dull moment. One of my personal favorites, the gum letter.

Carrie Underwood Lessons Learned

2009-07-17T10:16:00.000-06:00

Increasing my odds!

2009-07-07T07:31:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite infertility blogs is having a onsies giveaway that I really want to win. I already posted about it on my main blog, but I thought I would post it here to and try to increase my chances of winning. I've also posted her button in my side bar. Check the contest out HERE.

No Less Than A Woman

2009-07-03T13:24:00.005-06:00

I was just browsing through YouTube and found a great song dedicated to infertility. You rock Lady Saw for getting this out into the world!

Things to never say to an adoptive couple

2009-06-11T20:00:00.001-06:00

An adoptive mom just wrote an awesome ARTICLE on things not to say to an adoptive mother.

Even though we have not adopted yet, we get questions very similar to those. Here are a couple that are my personal least favorites.

After you adopt, you will be able to have one of your own. This comment makes me the maddest, I'm talking grizzly bear mad. Adoption DOES NOT cure infertility. Adoption does cure childlessness and fills empty homes, but it does not guarantee a pregnancy. Actually only about 10% of couples who adopt, will go on to have their own successful pregnancy later on. I have met hundreds of adoptive families over the last few years. Very few of them have had their families continue to grow through their own pregnancies. I also know couples who do conceive, but unfortunately have miscarriages. Some of those couples choose to adopt and still their family doesn't grow through their own personal efforts. If a pregnancy does happen after adoption than it is just as big a miracle as adoption itself. I am very passionate about this and I think people are finally understanding that we really have no desire to become expectant parents through pregnancy. Please don't ever say this to a couple looking into adoption.

You both work full-time so you must be rich enough to adopt. I have a harder time talking about this subject, but I think it's time to lay it all out. Adoption is expensive, but that doesn't mean the agencies are rolling in the money. They provide: medical care, housing, and counseling (and I'm just hitting the highlights). We will also have to pay legal fees and hire an attorney when we go to court to make everything official. We are not paying money to buy a baby, we are paying to help take care of the birth mom while she is pregnant. We both work for several reasons. I couldn't stay home all day, every day, in a quite house. I would go insane. But the real reason I work is because we need the income. We are trying to save for an adoption, put hubby through school without going in to debt, plus just continue to have the money we want to live comfortably.

I could never do an open adoption, I wouldn't feel like the mother. Adoption has changed so much over the years. Gone are the days of a birth mom placing a child and then never hearing about them ever again. Change is progress. This women chose to place their children because they LOVE them. What a peace of mind they can have as they get the chance to watch their child grow. Once we adopt, the child will be ours for eternity. But we still want the chance to share them with their birth parents. Those parents gave them the chance to live, now we are giving them the chances at life. We've met several birth moms from different situations. I've seen the healing that comes to those with open adoptions. When we first started the adoption process, open adoption scared us. But there is nothing wrong with having even more people to love a child as it grows.

Aren't you worried about getting a baby with problems? Stereotypes are horrid. Birth moms are awesome and they have their acts together. That is why they make adoption plans. They may have made mistakes, but they are turning it into a miracle. Plus, even if we could have conceived a baby on our own, sure, we could of controlled things like drug exposure, but we still wouldn't have had the perfect baby. Medical conditions are possible with all pregnancies. That is just a part of mother nature.

I could never love a child that wasn't my own. DNA has nothing to do with love. You feel in love with your spouse and you weren't related to them. I also feel in love with my in-laws and I'm not related to them either. Love is unconditional, that's what makes it so great. We will love our child no matter where they come from. I should also add that we will love our children no matter what they look like.

Your time will come. No one is more aware of this fact than we are. After years or trying to conceive and now years of trying to adopt, we realize that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Most days we are okay with this. But it doesn't change the fact that is seems like we are standing still while others move forward with their lives. We live in Utah, where having a family is a big deal. We go to baby showers, baby blessing and even to the hospital to welcome family and friends who have brought little ones into the world. We have friends who were able to adopt a lot faster than us, while we still suffer with those whose adoption plans seem to drag on. We know and adoption will happen within the Lord's timing, but until then we come home to a quite house every night. People probably say this because they think it's what we need to hear and coming from their own mouths, it probably does sound good, but to us it's just a shouted reminder that we are still childless. Instead you could say things like, "We are thinking and/or praying for you." Or you could ask if we have heard anything. The answer is usually no, but it lets us feel acknowledged. Even though we are only a family of two, we are still important.

We are both very passionate about adoption, and we both love to talk about adoption. Feel free to ask us any questions. We want to educate the world about adoption. It's not some scary thing that should be kept a secret. It should be celebrated.

Coming soon...

2009-06-11T13:14:00.004-06:00

I have decided to start posting things I find inspiring on this blog on Friday's. I want to highlight articles and videos that inspire me to move forward with faith. For the most part I will highlight articles from lds.org, but I will also be looking for articles on infertility and how to cope with it. If you find an article you want featured, please email me at sourbonk@yahoo.com

Going through the grief cycle (again)

2009-06-08T15:47:00.001-06:00

I've been having a hard time lately. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be pregnant and I can live with that. But I realized last week that I will probably never get to hear my child's heartbeat through an ultra sound and that made me sad. There are some couples whose birth mom involve them in doctor appointments and sometimes the actual birth, but sometimes they don't. I realize that more than anything I want to be a parent and this is probably not a big deal, but I feel like I am mourning all over again.

Plus my dreams have started back up again where I dream about getting "the phone call." You know the one, "You're parents. Come pick up your baby." Yesterday in church I just had a sudden urge to get home because I was sure there would be a message on our phone. I didn't think church would EVER end. But it was only my heart playing tricks on me, no one ever leaves us a message.

All I can say is....WOW

2009-06-05T18:00:00.000-06:00

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it happened....at the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

I can't believe some people!

2009-05-26T16:32:00.003-06:00

This article, http://www.utahsafehaven.org was in our local paper today. I am just sick over it. How could a person be like that! It makes me want to beat her for trying such a thing, but at least not until after the baby is born. I've already emailed the paper and asked them to follow up on this with something positive and helpful like an adoption article or at least an article on the Utah Safe Haven Law. I am also working on a letter to the editor, but I think first I need to get my emotions back under control.

Sudden Growth

2009-05-20T14:07:00.000-06:00

I have decided to go public with this blog. I've decided that with so many blogs and one of them being private, it looked like I was trying to hide something. (Okay, I was.) But I've realized that I have nothing to hide.

My intent for this blog is pure infertility, adoption, and the highs and lows that come with them. Anyone can read this blog, but when I talk infertility I am talking to my "barren friends".

In an effort to make my life more positive, I have made a mass effort to delete all negative thoughts on my blogs. I also decided to import everything infertility related to this blog. I didn't want to loose any comments so I copied them over too and then I made sure to keep the original date of the posting.

It's time to move on

2009-05-19T17:00:00.000-06:00

I have done a lot of soul searching and realized it is time to let things go and move on with my life. I have let infertility hold me prisoner too long. I have lost friends and family over it and I think if I continue like this I could let it ruin me completely.

I don't know what it will take to fix relationships that I sabotaged. I hope I haven't done too much damage.

I thought about deleting this blog, but I'm not going to. I still feel like I need a place to come where I don't need to fear being judged. But I probably won't blog on here much anymore. When infertility starts to get hard I am going to try to find and read positive articles. If I find anything great I will be sure to post it somewhere so my barren friends can benefit from it too.

Hello old friend...

2009-05-18T16:54:00.000-06:00

Infertility has been kicking me around again and this time I am having a hard time pulling out of it. I'm spent a few days trying for find some encouragement. This what I have found so far.

Patricia Irwin Johnson: "As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Silber & Dorner: “Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss–it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible.”

Barbara Eck Manning: "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."Al Berk & J. Shapiro:“Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life’s goals–the pregnancy experience and having children–is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief.”

One friend sent me a great quote by Sister Julie Beck, "I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them."

Elder Oaks even goes on to add, "And that longing will weigh in the final judgment. One of the most comforting passages in all of scripture for me is in the 137th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse 9, where we’re told that the Lord will judge us according to our works and according to the desires of our hearts."

How long?

2009-05-13T14:55:00.000-06:00

I found this counter for waiting to adopt at www.lilypie.com and thought I would figure out our "days of waiting." Since approval we have waited 1 year, 3 months, and 4 weeks. That is just about one and a half pregnancies!

We started our paperwork about April 2007. That was 2 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 5 days ago. OUCH. It seems like we have been waiting forever!

I'm trying to not let it get me down, but then I keep crunching numbers. In 2005, we decided we were ready for a family. That was 4 years, 4 months, 1 week and 5 days ago.

And if I take it one step, we officially stopped all forms of birth control in 2002. We weren't ready for kids yet, but we figured if they came we would be happy. That was 7 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 5 days ago!

I try to not let it get me down; I know there are others who have waited longer and even worse, those who have been able to get pregnant, but miscarry. I would never claim to have experienced pain as deep as theirs.

But I guess today I am feeling the pressure. If you want to look at a more detailed post of our infertility history click HERE for my details and HERE for Josh's.

*Update on the previous post - we have not heard back from Glin, but the more I look at it, the more I think it isn't real. I sent an email last night, but I messed up and sent it to Parent Profiles! I didn't notice until noon today, so I resent the message to her. We haven't heard anything yet.

A possible situation?

2009-05-12T17:11:00.000-06:00

We just received a contact from Parent Profiles, but I can't tell if it's legit and also if it feels right. I've done a little Internet research and found a Glinda in KY, but that's about it. I want to check My Space and Faceboook, but I can't look at those at work, so I'll have to wait until I get home.

Name: Glin
E-mail Address:
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthmother
Comments: ----------------------------------
I am looking for a couple to help my daughter and I both. My health is not the best and we have no one. My whole family is deceased. We are all alone in Ky. If you feel you might like to speak with me please notify me via email at***** Or you could phone me at *****. My daughter is only 5 months old. God Bless, Glin.

I am working on a reply right now, but I haven't sent it yet. Basically I am asking her if she will contact LDSFS, I even listed the info. for the closest office to her, which is about 3 hours it looks like. I want to be excited, but I'm having a hard time. I don' t know if it's because I have a hard time trusting if it's a 'real deal' or maybe it's just not right for us. Realistically I would like to adopt in Utah to keep things simple and I would like and newborn infant, but I guess 5 months isn't that far off.

And of course Josh would choose this day to loose his cell phone. He came home last night and said it was in his vest pocket, but he's not sure where his vest is. ARGH! I am so frustrated with him right now! If we don't follow through with this and if it's feels legit I will pass the information on to those who are looking to adopt.

Is it over?

2009-05-11T16:15:00.000-06:00

Mother's Day is probably my LEAST favorite day of the year. With other holiday's, like Christmas and Easter, it is almost possible to skip over the fact that we don't have children, we just try to keep it very low key. But you can't do that for Mother's Day. It's impossible to wake up on that sunny Sunday morning and not think about it. It's Mother's Day... and I'm not a mother.

I fought with myself all week last week. Infertility was kicking my butt. But what can I do about that? I sluffed church yesterday. I almost had a valid excuse, but it fell through at the last moment and I could have went, but I didn't.

Because on the Mother's Day there is always the awkward moment..."Will all of the mothers please stand up and accept their flower?" For years I have ducked down low or left early so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out, but yesterday I didn't want to deal with it so instead I slept in. I know, not cool, but I was looking out for me.

Over the past few weeks I have struggled with something. It didn't quite feel right, but I couldn't stand not doing something to help lead us into parenthood. I even went as far as to make an appointment to look into it. I don't know if it would have been cheaper than adopting and I don't know if it would have been easier than adopting. But it might have increased our odds. All I could think was, maybe it will finally bless us with a child. But it just didn't feel right. Even when I tried to convince myself it would work and we would be parents, I still didn't want to go through with it.

So I told Josh it was up to him. And he drug his feet too. On Thursday night we were getting down to crunch time and I couldn't put it off much longer. Do we do this or not? I did the only thing I knew I could do, I prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a while. And then I listened. And then I knew. We need to adopt. I told Josh I wanted to cancel the appointment and he agreed. The relief I felt was incredible. I still don't have the answer as to when we will finally be parents, but I do know that we need to do it through adoption, and for a few moments that was all I needed.

Yesterday day was a tough day. Someone mentioned that so much has changed over the last 2 years. Really? The only change I can see is that we have a new truck and a dog. I feel like nothing has changed at all. I'm still on the edge waiting for something to happen.

I should pause and look at the positive things. Saturday night I got a very special email from a friend. Savannah , Happy Mothers Day, you are still a mother to all the children in the ward and to the world because of your mission on earth as a woman , you just love them and teach them and most of all set a good example for them. God loves you Savannah. Thank you for that. Then my wonderful loving husband made a great post while I was locked in the bathroom taking a relaxing bath. He really is something special and I am glad I get to share this trial with him.

I've mentioned before that I would love to have a child before the family missionaries start coming home. (I think both Dallon and my grandparents will come home about the same time in October.) That is 6 months away. As I was thinking about that last night I realized that if that happens, then our child could already be on the way and I was sad. If that is true, it means that yesterday our birth mom was a more active part of Mother's Day than we were. Has she already decided on adoption? If so, it must have been a hard day for her. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. She loves that life inside her so much. How will she be able to let go and give that child the life she wants it to have? I can only imagine that she will be able to do it because of her motherly love.

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3 comments:

Meka said...: Infertility makes you feel like you are standing still, while everyone is racing past you, living life. At least for me thats is how I felt ARRGG! That is awesome you had that conformation "You need to adopt"! Hold on to that! Mothers day just sucks, I completely ditched church all together on mothers day before Eden. Ya thats how strong I am ha! Anyway, I was wondering if you had a button that you've made that says hoping to adopt or is there something you would like me to add to my blog for you guys? Maybe just the link to your adoption blog?; May 11, 2009 10:01 PM
mandamike said...: I hope, wish, pray that you will become a mother soon. It is SO HARD waiting for someone else to give you the gift of motherhood. Just know that you have friends that are here for you and have been in your shoes.
Love,
Amanda; May 12, 2009 9:48 AM
Desi said...: What a beautiful and thoughtful email you got from your friend! Kind people like that really make a difference. We skipped church. Not to miss mother's day (which I usally try to do too) but because I hadn't seen my husband in two weeks and I was being selfish about needing "us" time.

I'm so excited that you have gotten answers to your prayers and know what you need to do! That is a huge hurtle passed. Unfortionatly, it leads to more waiting. But you have so many people praying for you! I love your blog and that I feel like I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!; May 15, 2009 11:03 AM

Answered Prayer

2009-05-08T09:43:00.001-06:00

I have been back and forth over getting further testing for Josh. Last night I really prayed about it. Not just a simple "should we" like I have been doing, but a desperate "I need an answer and I need it now."

To me, what it really came down to was, we test him and it comes back the same and we continue on the adoption path. Or we test him and it comes back that we can fix it and have a chance of becoming parents.

When I think of getting pregnant I get sick. I don't want to be pregnant. I go into a panic. What if I became pregnant and then miscarried. I have been following a blog this week and she is trying to miscarry. Things are wrong with the baby and she needs to let it go. I have friends and family that have miscarried. I can't even begin to comprehend their pain, and I don't want to.

And I know this reason isn't a big deal to some, but I DO NOT want to be the person who adopted and then became pregnant. Every time I started to think about becoming pregnant, I thought of announcing it to family and friends and I knew that we would get plastered with "See, you just needed to relax and not think about it." I didn't want to be that kind of example to others going through infertility. That's not how it works and I don't think I could ever get the world to understand. If we had become pregnant, it would have been because we sought medical help for our medical condition called Infertility.

And it may be vain, but I want to adopt because I want that to be what makes our family special. I don't want to loose the friends I have made in the adoption world. Some of these friends are so dear to me and I don't want to loose their friendship and I worry that if we did become pregnant I wouldn't have anything in common with them anymore. I know we would still have infertility problems in common, but I just don't want to loose the adoption bond. It's too important to me.

I have done a lot of crying and soul searching this past month. I want to be a mom. I can't stand the fact that I am about to go through another childless Mother's Day. It's been 8 years since we married, 7 years since we stopped all birth control methods.

So last night I PRAYED. I want to be a mother and I am tired of waiting. Do we go to the doctor on Wed. and start the medical nightmare again or do we continue to wait on adoption? The answer was clear to me. Just continue as you have been doing.

But then I had to tell Josh. I've asked him several times if he really wanted to go. I keep bugging him to decide what he really wants to do. He didn't like taking that test, did he really want to do it again? He wouldn't ever give me a straight answer, just "I'll think about it." So as we went to bed last night, I asked him again. He said he was only doing it for me. He wants to be a dad and he will do whatever he needs to to reach that goal.

I told him I didn't want him to go. Immediately the pressure went away. And when he agreed a great load lifted off of my shoulders, my entire being.

I am feeling a new calm that I have not felt in a long time. I am still stressed that we aren't parents yet, and there is no end in sight. But I have a peace in my spirit again. It still feels hard, but it also feels bearable. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to adopt.

To Make Her Love Me

2009-05-07T17:05:00.001-06:00

Much against Josh's wishes I have become a Rascal Flatts fan and I bought one of their CD's.

(For some reason he doesn't like boy bands, he thinks they're gay and he is mad that they did a remake to a Chris Ledoux song.)

But when I heard their song, "To Make Her Love Me" I couldn't stop from crying. Sometimes I feel like we aren't good enough to adopt and that is why we don't get looked at. I wish I knew what we needed to do different to make a birthmom love us.

To Make Her Love Me - Rascal Flatts
You waved your hand and it was done
So let it be and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through, the sky
A canyon, so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees

[Chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hands

[chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

[Chorus]

To make her love me
To make her love me (oooo)

I also found another one of their songs that I can relate to or at least I hope to relate to someday. Every one who has adopted talks about how after it happens, all this pain will be worth it. I can't see that yet so it's feels so hard to believe. But I hope that someday it will be worth it. It's what keeps me going.

The Day Before You - Rascal Flatts
I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready settled for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
The Heaven knows those years without you
Shaping my heart for the that day I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

Malachi 3:3

2009-05-06T08:57:00.001-06:00

A friend sent me this email today. It is just what I needed to hear.

Malachi 3:3 says:
"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all impurities.
The women thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered,
'Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

An Infertility Blog

2009-05-05T20:00:00.000-06:00

Someone left this comment on our adoption blog.

Hi. You don't know me, but I've created a "infertility group" blog. I love chatting with other who have been though what I have and wanted to let you know about it. http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/

It's a new blog that's just getting started, but it looks like a great idea!

I stole this from another blog

2009-05-05T16:00:00.000-06:00

But since it's in relation to the scriptures, maybe I didn't really steal it. Here is the LINK if you want to the read the entire story, but be prepared to cry.

"All I can think of right now is Nephi.

I think about Nephi a lot. Mostly because it's hard for me to get past Nephi when I read, so I know the stories really well.

We likened infertility to Lehi and his family leaving their city and wandering through the wilderness for years. Knowing they had to go somewhere but not having any direction.

Finding the Liahona was being told to adopt. We had a purpose and a way to get there.

Building the boat out of nothing was our paperwork process

and launching the boat into the sea was the waiting period, complete with storms and bad luck.

Julia was our Promised Land. And the Promised Land is everything we ever dreamed it could be.

When we were trying to decide what to do with our treatments, I thought of Nephi going to get the plates. They failed several times but a way was provided. And I thought that, perhaps, we had reached our goal."

I hope we find our promised land soon.

Up....Down....Up....Down

2009-04-29T17:05:00.000-06:00

That has been my day! Last week we submitted our paperwork on a possible adoption situation. I didn't hear anything back, and it was pretty costly so I decided to not follow through with it.

(UP) Today my cell phone rang while I was with a customer. I let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I listened to the message. It was that agency! I couldn't make the call for about 15 minutes until my break. By the end of that 15 minutes I was convinced he was calling to say she picked us!

(DOWN) No, they've not heard back from her yet. But would we be interested in getting the paperwork with them so they can present us to all birthmoms that come there?

(UP) Sure, we'd love to. Then it was my turn for my eye appointment, so I said I would call him back.

(UP) He called to say that they had a birth mom that just started to dialate and the potential family she picked had backed out. Could he show her our info? Yes please!

(UP) Their paperwork doesn't look too intensive...I need to redo our picture pages, but I want to do that anyways...

(DOWN) Oh, all of their fees are pretty costly. But everyone outside of LDSFS seems to be costly...

(DOWN) I emailed my support group to see what they thought of the agency (The Adoption Center). Bad news, nobody thinks positive of them. They said they seem greedy and have a ton of hidden fees and they don't seem to take care of anyone but themselves.

So now I feel like I am back at square one. Continue to wait on LDSFS and hope that SOMETHING happens! It was nice that the above agency showed our profile to two separate birthmoms in one week! I don't think anyone has looked at our paper profile with LDSFS in the past 14 months! I have decided that if we do take the leap into the expensive agencies than I want to go with A Guardian Angel Adoptions. They are the ones I have been the most impressed with.

Infertility 101

2009-04-28T17:27:00.000-06:00

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

I have so many comments of my own that I want to add to each of these myths, but it really is well written, so I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself.

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6 comments:

Jessica said...: I'm coping this post for my blog. Hope you don't mind and thanks for sharing!; April 28, 2009 5:47 PM
Ashley said...: I know that I can't truly understand what you and Josh go through on a daily basis but remember if you need a new audience to vent you can always talk to me. I don't mind hearing all the positive AND negative things about what you guys are going through. Everyone has their own battles to fight and you'll always need whatever support in that you can get!; April 28, 2009 9:06 PM
Lucy said...: Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I LOVE meeting new people. And your blog is grea!; April 29, 2009 7:27 PM
Sue and Tim said...: I think this was great for you to post. It is such an eye opener to the people who don't know what it is like. This shows how we really feel inside and what we go through. All the silly questions and things people say. Thank you so much for sharing this was excellent.; May 1, 2009 4:29 PM
Elizabeth and Brian said...: I am deeply hurt by the many people who tell me that I will get pregnant now that I have adopted. It is very insulting and I hope no one ever says that in front of Elora. Thank you for the post.; May 1, 2009 10:10 PM
Lady Jane said...: I stumbled across your blog via Tia's and felt the need to comment. I also can't have kids and I know why they had warned me ahead of time. I feel for you and I hope that you get that call very, very soon!!!!; May 3, 2009 4:43 AM

Male Infertility...I had no idea!

2009-04-20T16:56:00.001-06:00

Yep, we got it. Josh was tested just over 2 years ago. We drove 2 hours to Provo (I had to bribe him with a trip to Cabelas) because a friend told me they did a more comprehensive test. Not that it ended up making a difference. You can't run extra test where there is NO sperm.
Before we got the results back we knew they wouldn't be good (although we weren't hadn't expected a ZERO). But when we did we moved on forward to adoption.

Until a few months ago I had no idea that they prefer to have you do a test and then a few weeks later do another test, just in case something was wrong (like an infection for example). I also had no idea that they can do other tests to see if there is simple reason, like blockage. See how horrible my doctor truly was. He had no followup WHAT SO EVER! I am so glad he is retired! I wouldn't recommend him to ANYONE!

But then someone in my group started to mention further testing for her husband. My response... they can do that? I didn't know. I just assumed that zero meant zero.

But lately the thought won't leave me alone. What if? I have fought it for a few weeks now. Out of curiosity I looked at our insurance and there is a doctor that comes to our local hospital about twice a month for this kind of thing. I had no idea! I stewed it over for several days and finally said something to Josh last night. He said to make him an appointment. He is ready to be a daddy and will do whatever he needs to! Isn't he great!

So I just did. It's on May 13th. I have no idea what to expect. I'm hoping in the mean time maybe this possible situation will work out and we won't have to worry about it. I have a continues Pros vs. Cons list running through my head.
PROS
*It's something simple and fixable
*We get pregnant
*We have a baby
It's a short list, but I like the ending. But then there is the other list.

CONS
*It will be a waste of time, there really is nothing there.
*Even if we can fix it, I have PCOS and I know it is not under control right now. (I do have an appt., but its not until June).
*What if I do get pregnant and then miscarry. Could I live with the heartache? I know others do and my heart aches for them so much! But I can't help but think that I will have brought it upon myself since I decided to pursue a pregnancy.
*Which brings me to the most stressful part, that stupid waiting game. I DO NOT MISS taking a pregnancy test. When we decided to adopt I had a few tests in my cupboard, I THREW THEM AWAY and I was happy about it. I hated the stress each month of wondering if this was it this time. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
*I don't want to become that statistic, you know the one. "You should try adoption. Josh and Savannah did and then they had one on their own." Adoption doesn't cause a pregnancy! If we were to become pregnant after this it would be because we sought further medical help!

I set the appointment, but I don't know I feel about it. I do want to be a mother! But I don't know if I want to do it the "natural" way anymore. I have made so many friends in the adoption world, and after we decided to adopt I found a peace I hadn't had for years. I don't want to give that back up again. But it's bothering me enough that I finally called the doctors office. One of my friends finally helped me make the decision. She said that knowledge is power.

Maybe it will just help take my mind off of the adoption waiting game. It is started to wear and tear on me, I need to direct my mind elsewhere.

A possible situation

2009-04-20T16:46:00.000-06:00

I just mailed our paper profile to an agency. I am so nervous! I also talked with him on the phone to line up a few more things like our home study and back ground check. The baby is due the end of May and its a boy. A BOY! Wouldn't that be fun. I've always wanted my oldest to be a boy.
It looks like it will cost about $28,000. YIKES! I don't want to spend that much. We have turned down a few possible situations because of the amount. Some were less than that. But each time I saw them, I just thought, we can't afford that, and then we didn't do anything to pursue it. But last night when I got the email, I couldn't think about the price. All I could see was a baby. I don't know if that is a sign or if I am just feeling more desperate. I wish I could understand my feelings right now.

At first I didn't want to tell ANYONE because I don't want to deal with the heartache, but I feel that this young women needs all the prayers she can get right now. She is only 18 and right now she is making the tough decision, quite possibly the toughest decision she will ever have to make in her life.

I want to get excited, but I am fighting it. I don't want to hope to hard and then have her choose someone. If the others from the email submit their profiles too, she will have some great couples to choose from. I would choose any of them if I were in her situation. I'm sure it will be a tough situation. I am just praying that she can do what is best for her child.

Out of control emotions

2009-04-15T14:37:00.002-06:00

Some days it just seems so hard to function. I try to not let our childless lives affect me, but it still does. EVERYTHING is a constant reminder that I am not a mother. Like today... a gal came in to pay on her bill. She is my age. I was married first, but I don't know by how long. I would guess at least a year. She now has 4 children and each one has a different father. It just makes me mad. I know I shouldn't judge, but given her lifestyle it's no surprise. I don't think she even knows which one goes to which dad. I know with two of the children she was married when she became pregnant, but she was pretty sure it was her boyfriends baby so she left her husband to go to the boyfriend. Kids need a more stable environment than that! And I won't even get started on the countless thousands that don't buckle their children up. My response...when a drunk driver hits you and your child flies through the windshield you will miss his cries after he's gone! But I just get scowled at because I'm not a mother and I have no understanding of how hard it is to raise a child.

Other days I just want to cry. No reason, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Some times its so bad I have to escape to the restroom to get better control of my emotions. And it's always for the stupidest reason. A few weeks ago I asked for a container for sorting purposes. The guy just belittled me and kept telling me to do it differently. While he was standing there, I did figure something out, and I actually liked it better than my original idea. But he just kept going on and on about all the space I have and how I need to utilize it better. That was probably a month ago and just thinking about it I still want to cry. Or today, they got after me for spraying some room spray. We have a few gals that have allergies, but I've been using it for months and they never complained, but apparently with the air conditioner back on for the season it is affecting them. Okay, no problem. I've already put the spray away and found something that they will let me use. But I just let it upset me.

Now I sound like I don't like my job! But I do. I love this job. There is just a few people that rub me wrong. Is it because our personalities clash or is it because I am so emotionally unstable that I upset easily. And it's not just work. There is a dozen times during the day where I just want to cry. I don't because then I feel stupid. What do I have to cry about? I just feel like crying isn't going to fix anything so why bother.

But then sometimes I let it build up too much and then I kind of loose it and I take it out on Josh and sometimes his family. I don't mean to do that. But I can only be strong for so long before the dam breaks and the flood gates open.

I don't think I'm unhappy with life. I have a lot. I have the most wonderful husband EVER. Both our families live close. We have a nice home with gorgeous views. We both have jobs.

I just wish I knew what to do. Sometimes I think about getting a blessing, but I don't want to admit I'm weak and need help. And when things get real bad I wonder if I need professional help, but I don't want to do that either. I did get a doctor's appt. to try and get my PCOS under control, but that isn't until June. I just want to feel "normal". To not let every little thing upset me.

A Small Grain of Hope

2009-04-09T08:47:00.000-06:00

We launched our Parent Profile on January 26th. I really didn't know how I felt about it. It's $50 a month! That seems like a lot to me, especially since we are trying to save every spare dime for adoption, and pay for school on top of that. But we want to be parents and I really want to adopt an infant and so we went ahead with it. The cool part is that they keep track of how many times your profile is seen in one form or another. They have several other "sister sites" and they will highlight a few on those so that increases our exposure. They keep a total count, but you can't take the big number seriously. In some form or another our picture has been up 30,982 times! WOW. But when you break it down, it's not as big.

The important numbers to me are:
Birth mother letter: 836 views
About us: 168 views
Album: 152 views
Favorites: 91 views
Journal: 87 views - that is a lot since we haven't posted anything there. The other day I did add a few things since it is being looked at. I want to link our blog there, but parent profiles won't let you list a website. I think I have found a way around that, but I am still working out the details.
Contact us: 67 views - that number is to me, the important number. They are still interested enough to think about contacting us. Of those 67 views I'm sure a few are family just checking our profile out. Then I had one distant uncle email me through that. I was so MAD! But I emailed back and gave him my email address so hopefully he will be better. Than we had the gal that tried to scam us call and that is where she got our phone number. Than we had the girl that was looking for her pregnant sister; we never heard back from her. Earlier this week we had an agency contact us about a situation they have, but it is way out of our price range. So in about 2-1/2 months we've averaged one contact a month. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

I was checking our adoption email every hour, hoping for something. I finally realized that was causing to much anxiety on my account, so now I only check it 2 or 3 times a day (okay some days I still check it more like 5 or 6). But I haven't looked at the stat counter on Parent Profiles for about a month.

On Sunday I got on and a new stat was showing.
Added to favorites: 1.
That to me seems like a big deal! Someone likes us enough to bookmark us. I just got on again and that number is now 2! Maybe the agency marked us the first time, but someone else has marked us now!!! I am so excited. But no email yet.

It's been enough to give me a little bit of hope again.

What Have People Done Right

2009-04-06T16:12:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago on my LDS Adoption Support Group we had a great thread about what people have done to help us with our infertility struggle. I will have to keep thinking of things to add to this list because I really enjoy reading it.

- When we were struggling with our infertility in the beginning we didn't tell anyone. I'm sure several of you hear also chose to "suffer in silence." One Sunday the RS President stopped me in the hall and she told me that she had the impression to put my name on the temple prayer roll. That was it. Didn't ask what was wrong, just thought of us and she didn't even know she needed to.

- Right after we decided to adopt, my grandma had a heart attack. We went to see her and my grandpa at the hospital. While we were there we told them that we had decided to adopt. They were so wonderful. My grandpa told me to remember the most important thing about his grandchildren is that they look like him. He said it didnt' matter what our child looked like or where they came from, he knew they would look like him. No wonder he's my favorite grandpa.

- I have a friend that is super sensitive about my feelings. And I love her for it. When she became pregnant she called me up to tell me and I could tell she was so scared to how I would react. But she didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. And she is super great when I am around her and her toddler. My in-laws make me for so out of place around my nephew, but this friend lets me interact with her little girl, she encourages it.

- Another friend had a baby about 5 months ago. She told me that I never need to ask if I want to hold, I just need to take him and hold him. She had another member of the ward give her 2 garbage bags full of baby clothes. She brought me one of the bags and said she would never be able to use everything that was given to her.

- On a blessing day in church the family choose to attend all of church before going home for the dinner. They came in late to Sunday School and sat right in front of us. I'm sure I looked at the baby like I was a woman dying of thirst. They let me hold her!

- I think the funniest thing is, every time someone in my support groups adopts they are so super sensitive to everyone else's feelings. They are almost apologetic because they beat us to parent hood. But after having several announcements like that come up, I now understand. I am so happy for them, but sometimes it is hard to trudge forward while feeling left behind.

I put the baby stuff away

2009-04-02T19:50:00.000-06:00

I couldn't look at the nursery anymore so I packed everything into the closet. Two years ago we decided to adopt. Two years ago we bought the swing, the highchair and the bassinet. For two years it has set in the bedroom just waiting to get used.

I used to go in and put batteries in everything and use them just to see them in action. I haven't done that for months, maybe even close to a year.

When we first started I wanted to specify a gender so I could better prepare. I hate gender neutral stuff like Winnie the Pooh. I wanted to deck the room out in pink galore or paint the pink walls a baby blue. We finally decided on a boy and I bought a bedding set. I searched everywhere for the perfect farm theme set. I went to fabric stores and looked for fabric to make my own. I finally found the perfect set on eBay. It's so cute.

Then we decided we were limiting ourselves and decided to go either gender. When our file was finally approved I went to eBay and bought a John Deere blanket/pillow set in pink and green so I could have something for when "the call" came. They are so beautiful. I am in love with the pink one. But they're just sitting in a box...

I just don't want to look at the stuff right now. Sure, we keep that door closed, but I knew it was there.

The room looks so bare now, so void of life. Good thing we keep the door closed

You'd Never Say

2009-03-28T18:17:00.000-06:00

These billboards have been popping up every where and I love them! Even though they are geared towards depression, I want to add "Depression & Infertility are real."

Please Read This

2009-03-15T10:14:00.000-06:00

I know I have posted infertility articles before, but this one is so TRUE. I got it off of a great blog: Adoption....Changing Lives From Beginning to End I have inserted a few thoughts of my own in Italics. If you are having a hard time understanding just what we have gone through the last few years please read this article!

*For Infertility and Emotional Stages, the author is unknown. However, the information is from the Adoption Education Resource Manual, LDS Family Services, Kearns Agency.
Infertility and Emotional Stages

Surprise
The most common first feeling of infertility. For us it wasn't as surprising as it is for others. We were already kind of prepared for it. But even then it was still a surprise. Because even if you know bad news is coming, you still hang on to a small shred of hope that it won't be bad new. This was the shortest stage for us.

Denial
"This can't happen to me!" Denial serves a purpose. It allows the body and mind to adjust at their own pace to events that might otherwise be overwhelming. Denial often comes into play at the time of miscarriage or stillbirth. The loss is too enormous and sudden to endure. It needs to be processed and piecemeal until it can be totally acknowledged.

Isolation
Infertility is a personal and embarrassing subject to discuss. Many infertile couples keep their problem carefully to themselves. This has two very unfortunate consequences: first, the family, friends, and peers of the couple may presume they are using birth control or do not desire children. This leads to needling and pressuring to start a family and fulfill society's dictates that families should be continued. Second, the partners, if they do not confide to others about infertility, must necessarily turn to each other for support, understanding, and sympathy. Often this is an impossible request because both members of an infertile couple are under stress. This is one of the biggest stages we have gone through. For us, it was easier to isolate ourselves away because the pain was just so overwhelming that we didn't know how to share it with others. Like it mentions, this could have been an unfortunate thing for us to do because now that we try to share our feelings it seems to create tension and misunderstandings. I think some see us isolate ourselves and they think that is because we need space. But really we isolate ourselves because it is easier that way. If we know that going to something will be uspetting to us, it it easier to not go at all.

Anger
When a couple enter into investigation and attempted treatment of their infertility, they surrender much of their sense of control over their bodies and destinies. The reaction to loss of control and helplessness is often anger. The anger may be very rational, focused at real and correctly perceived insults. Sometimes the anger is more irrational and may be projected onto targets such as the doctor, or an adoption worker. The real target of the anger is both the situation and the self. Anger which isn't acknowledged or released is often repressed and may lead to chronic depression. And sometimes anger comes out and hurt the wrong people. We have had a hard time learning to control our anger at times and end up lashing at those we love. We are sorry.

Guilt and Unworthiness
People try to make a cause-and-effect relationship between infertility and something they have done (or not done) in life. Infertile people frequently decide that they are not being blessed with a pregnancy because they are in some way unworthy. Pregnancy is being withheld as a punishment. Even though we know that Infertility is a MEDICAL CONDITION, we still have moments like this. But how can they be avoided when we see others blessed with babies that we feel are less deserving. I have these moments several times a day. Those kids aren't buckled up, I will always buckle my children. Why can drug addicts have children and we can't?

Depression
Depression is a real legitimate state of sadness, despair, lethargy and vague symptoms of distress. When infertility is marked by an end point, such as final knowledge that pregnancy will never occur, depression gives way to grief. I go through this cycle a few times a year. It's nice to know that it is a real legitimate emotion.

Grief
"Death. Death of a lot of things. The end of the Jones family and the Jones' family name. It dies with us, because of me. My husband is the last of the male children in his family. Death before life ...before we even knew our child, because he never existed. The hardest part of this kind of death is the fact that it is the death of a dream. There are no solid memories, no pictures, no things to remember. You can't remember your child's blond hair or brown eyes, or his favorite toys or the way he laughed. Or the way it felt to be pregnant with him. He never existed."
There is no funeral, no burial, no grave to lay flowers on. The couple often grieves alone. The infertile person may entertain fears or fantasies that the fertile partner will leave--or worse, will stay and be secretly hostile and condemning. The feelings may lead to a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy. Please re-read this part. With infertility it really is the death of our children. It doesn't matter that we have chosen to adopt. Our children that we dreamt about are dead. There is no easy way to say that. And unfortunately, there is really no solid way to grieve it, but our grief is real. Do not try to convince us otherwise.

The Course of Normal Grief
The first state of normal grief is usually shock and disbelief. To absorb the loss so that they will not feel overwhelmed. The second state of grief is actual suffering. Experiencing the painful feelings of sadness and emptiness. Weeping and sobbing, loss of appetite, exhaustion, choking or tightness in the throat. This "grief work" progresses, and the acute state of suffering will usually pass within several weeks to several months. Finally after the third state of grief, recovery begins. They will establish relationships and new interests as well as show renewed ability to experience pleasure, diversion, and satisfaction. Grief, of course may be reactivated, but the suffering is never as acute again. Each time I grieve, it does seem to be just a little less painful than it was the time before, but it is still very real. I think we have healed a lot, but I think there is still more healing to do. We will ALWAYS grieve the children we couldn't have. We will love the children we get through adoption, but even then we will still grieve that what if's.

Why Grief May Fail
There are a number of very understandable and logical deterrents to normal grieving in infertility: Loss of a potential, not an actual. Friends and family are frequently not aware of the infertility problem, and hence, they do not rally to give support. Loss in miscarriage or still birth, although tragic, is more conducive to normal grief work. There may be uncertainty over the loss. Some people have likened it to the feeling of having a loved one missing in action in war.

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2 comments:

Meka said...: Dead on! I was stuck in the anger phase for a long time. It's such a weird trial, no one really understand it's a medical issue so they give advice that only makes things worse sometimes. I wish the church had more resources about infertility, I am so grateful to the support group though! That helped me so much knowing that all the feelings I had, others had to. Really the best thing people can do is just listen and sometimes just saying "that would be so hard" is all I want to hear. How is your kitty doing? I have a stroller for my cat too! I had the need to push a stroller! You do what you have to do to get through the day! Wow sorry its so long!; March 15, 2009 6:43 PM
misty secrest said...: hey savannah! i was just lookin at your page and thought i'd leave a quick hello. its been a while! i'll for sure have to come up and visit soon! i miss you all! i'm also staying very mindful and prayful for you and josh!

love ya lots!
misty; March 17, 2009 4:01 PM

Salsa and my first pregnancy test

2009-03-13T22:51:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite fellow infertile bloggers posted a story about a pregnancy test. Her story had me laughing and then I remembered my first pregnancy test. I was able to look back on it and smile. I couldn't help but think about the TV show How I Met Your Mother. It made me think that someday my failed pregnancy tests will be a part of our story How we came to find you.

We had been married about 4-1/2 years. We were living in a teeny, tiny apartment (I bet prisoners have bigger cells). One night Josh was eating chips and salsa. I DO NOT LIKE SALSA. But that night it smelt good. So I had some. I had some the next night and the next night.

Looking back I know realize it was my acid reflux that was making me sick each morning after eating salsa (acid foods = upset belly for Savannah) at night. But after waking up several morning in a row feeling sick I decided that my sudden liking for salsa could only be one thing: the FOOD CRAVINGS of a pregnant women. We weren't actively trying for children yet, but we had stopped all prevention methods.

Where we would have ever put a baby in the tiny place I have no idea. I can't look back at all my negative pregnancy tests and laugh, but that first one now makes me smile. Oh, and I still like Salsa from time to time.

Clearing a few things up

2009-03-13T13:47:00.000-06:00

I guess you could call this a formal apology. The problem with posting about our feelings on infertility is that feelings usually end up hurt. That is never the intent. But sometimes the weight of infertility gets so hard to carry alone and we try to unburden ourselves by sharing our feelings with others. Usually only others who suffer from infertility really understand us and what we are going through.

I am not trying to justify what Josh said in his post. I don't think I need to. Our feelings are real and we shouldn't have to hide them. We have gone back and deleted certain parts of it that probably should have been kept to ourselves. Right now our hearts are hurting and if we try to hide that fact and keep it to ourselves we usually end up blowing things out of proportion. We are sorry we hurt feelings, that was never the purpose.

However, I want to clear a few things up.

INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! Relaxing, patience, and other advice does not change that fact. You would not tell a cancer patient to just relax and everything would be okay and you would not tell a blind person to just be patient and their sight will come back. You would not tell some who just lost a loved one due to death that everything is okay. INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL CONDITION!

We are very excited to adopt. For the briefest hour we had our hopes up. Within that hour we were able to picture a baby girl coming into our lives and our home. It was only an hour, but in that hour I dared to dream about my first Mother's Day. In that hour I dreamt about our little girls first steps and I could see in the future and see her dancing with the Utah Gymnastics team. During that hour everything was right with the world and we were the happiest we have been in a while. It's funny how the joy only lasted an hour, and yet weeks later that pain is still to raw. We still think back to that phone call and then cry thinking about the "if only."

DO NOT TELL US TO BE PATIENT. DO NOT TELL US THAT OUR TIME WILL COME. We are through trying to listen to these comments and they may be met with hostility. After all this time they really don't ring true for us anymore.

Instead say things like, We are praying for you. Or offer us a hug. Or just let us know that you are thinking of us.

I know it can be hard to picture us being parents. All we have is a piece of paper that says we are approved to adopt. But all our hopes and dream lie on that piece of paper. That paper says that someone thinks we would be good parents. That paper says we are expecting a child. Clearly not within 9 months, but still it says there is a chance we could be a mom and dad someday.

In the adoption world we are "paper pregnant." Pregnant women don't get ignored as their belly swells. People ask them how they are feeling, how was their last doctor visit, are they getting their home ready for the new addition. At times we feel that since my belly isn't swelling with pregnancy that people can ignore the fact that we too are trying to become parents.

The best thing we can do while trying to adopt is get the word out. TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. And please pray for us. We need those prayers. We need to know that people are thinking about us. We need acknowledgment that even though we are only a family of two, we are still a family and just as important.

This is a very exciting thing for us and we just want everyone to share the excitement with us.

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3 comments:

Desi said...: I understand not wanting to have hurt feelings on any part, but I think it's not very cool that you felt you needed to change the content of your post. What you were feeling was valid and real for you. It doesn't matter what people think, this is YOUR blog, not someone else's blog.

Saying that, I also recognise that I don't put all of my deepest feelings out on my blog very often right now. It seems like I just keep hearing to be patient and to relax. Right. I'm so tired of hearing that! I totally agree with you that the best thing is to say "we're praying for you" or that "we're thinking of you." That really feels nice. I guess people are usually trying to be nice when they say to be patient, but they are really just showing their ignorance. It stinks, but it is up to us to let them know how it makes us feel. Good for you for putting it out there!

Infertility is a medical condition - plus lots of other conditions all put together. It has trials, pains and uncerainty (sp?) attached. It sucks and is hard, and for lots of us, doesn't go away. It is also a waiting game. We aren't even always in control of the outcome, I guess we never are. We wait for doctors, wait for tests, and then some of us move on and wait for paperwork and wait to be chosen by a birth mom. Lots and lots of waiting....

You have both been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be there. I'm so grateful for our 2ofus4now group and the support I find there. It is so nice to have people who really understand what I'm going through!; March 13, 2009 9:34 PM
Brady and Richelle said...: I love ya both and i pray for ya everyday!!!!!! See you bright and early Monday!; March 14, 2009 9:07 AM
Ashley said...: Hey guys
I am sorry that someone hurt you both. Some people in this world really have no feelings for others. Jason and I both think about you guys and in our own way we are hoping that you guys get picked soon. I always tell everyone that you guys will be the best parents! In fact I couldn't think of 2 people I know that deserve a baby more then you 2. Oh and for Josh... I am the oldest as well and I know that feeling of needing to have kids first. My little brother had his baby girl first. Its a huge let down when its not you, but when you guys have your baby it will be extra special no matter what anybody says! Love you both!; March 14, 2009 9:41 PM

Josh Needs to Vent

2009-03-08T21:49:00.000-06:00

Hello there everyone, I have a few things that are weighing on my mind and I need to get them out and off my chest. Firstly I want to thank everyone that reads this. Thank you for the support that you show Savannah and I, we really appreciate it. I have been really touched by comments from friends and family about our blog lately and I appreciate it. I know that knowing that we have support out there boosts Savannah's and my confidence about our adoption when we need it. I am glad that we have so many good friends and family, both nearby and through the Internet.

Now some things that I would like to get off my chest, a couple weeks ago you know that Savannah and I were contacted by a person trying to get money out of us in an adoption scam. I was the one who answered the phone call. I talked to her for a few minutes, and I have to admit for about an hour and a half I was convinced that we were going to finally be parents. Words cannot describe the emotions I felt at that moment. When I hung up the phone tears were streaming down my face. I could hardly dial the phone to call Savannah, I was so excited. I cried and shook with excitement; I thought that this was the real deal. Several hours later I decided that it was a scam and my emotional high bottomed out. I was in a bad mood for a day or so after that. It's a good thing I have a loving wife to help me through things like this, without her this would have been a lot harder.

Anyway this experience had kicked off an adoption craze with me. I have been excited about adoption ever since we decided to do it but I am now feeling the impatience even more now. Because of this and other situations, I find myself wondering "when will it be my turn?" "What am I doing wrong?" And "why is it that others can be parents when we can't, it's not fair."

I know that when it happens it will happen when it is supposed to and we will think "the timing on that was perfect" but it is eating me up inside. I was the oldest , I was supposed to have the first kids, that didn't happen. It kills me, I have tried to do everything right, but I must be lacking somewhere.

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8 comments:

~Our Family~ said...: Josh.. Hi I'm Cindy from the lds adoption group.. I feel for you so much.. I'm sorry about the adoption scammer that called you.. I know when we had our profile on parent profiles I had a couple of scammers and some I knew where pregnant but wasn't the right fit for our family.. I followed every lead we got getting to know two moms that contacted us for about 2 weeks but I knew that either they were trying to scam or I wasn't the right fit for them.. God will watch over you and keep you safe. If you don't feel good about a situation it must not be true..
I don't know much about your family not being a 100% behind you rather than that sucks.. I guess if it was me in that cirmstance I would just let it play out and see if they change their mind when a child comes to you guys. Tell them that it hurts that they don't pray for you that you will get choosen soon by a birthmom.. I know if that didn't work then I would be like you I can live my life without them if they don't want to be a part of it, or treat my child different since it wasn't born from flesh and blood.. I know with our adoption of Braxton everyone loves him no matter if he is flesh and blood and treat him just like my other son(biological one). It isn't about them anyway its about you and your wife... I wish that sometimes everyone would get on the same page and love one another for who they are.. Josh you didn't do anything wrong nor Savannah either just sometimes we don't know all the reasons to why we can't have the one thing in this world that we crave or want so bad that we would die for it.. I guess we know a little what Jesus went through on the cross.. I love you guys even if I haven't met you.. Keep your heads up and remember who you are.. I wish the best for you guys.. Sorry to see you hurting so much.. Remember you are not alone...; March 8, 2009 11:01 PM
Brady and Richelle said...: I'm praying for both of ya....I'm still so ready to go to Tennessee...whenever you're up to it just let me know!!!; March 9, 2009 7:16 AM
Teah said...: we're here for you 100% even if we're 1300 miles away.I've had a prayer in my heart for you for months, and your names have crossed my lips just as much talking to people on your behalf. no leads yet but my eyes and ears are still open.; March 9, 2009 9:13 PM
Elizabeth and Brian said...: That took a lot to put that all out there like that. Infertility just plain sucks. I hate how it creeps its way into so many areas of our lives. We started in Jan 08, got approved in Sept 08 and were placed in March 09 so I can't say I can relate to your waiting time post approval. (We had a pathetic story and the pics of the boys really hit home with our Elora's birthmom.) We have been married for ten years and sometimes I would just scream out in my prayers to God. "What more do you want? What do you want me to do? You don't want me to get pregnant, have a live birth or have my children live. You've gotta open up a way for something to work." All I can really say is that your situation is very painful and I am sorry. If your family isn't praying for you know that we are. I've put your names on the prayer rolls. I don't have much advice except try to be open to differant paths. For example we were dead set on not going into debt for an adoption. That limited us to only working with LDSFS. But when i came right down to it the Lord told us to go the path we did. It cost more, was a big hassle and we are in debt now. However, God has provided a way that we can pay off the debt. It has been amazing the things that have opened up to us. Cheap airfare even though it was last minute, a coupon for car rental, a kind baggage claim person who let us check the carseat and additional luggage at no fee, a slight pay raise, a lowering of car and health insurance preimums, ect. This all added up so that we were able to stay in budget and we do not feel the burden of debt. I am not saying go into debt. I am saying, be open. If God says to take a certain path such as foster care, working with a facilitator, ect then he will open up away but you won't realize it until afterwards. Now, after she is here, I keep thinking of that Garth Brook's song "The Dance." You're a country boy so I know you know it. I know it isn't a perfect example but I keep thinking of "And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance."

I wish I hadn't of had to go through so much hell to get here but it has made us who we are. It is easy to say that on this side of adoption but it is real. Adoption and infertility has really shown me who my friends are and who in my family loves me unconditionally and we doesn't. I'm praying my heart out for your family.; March 10, 2009 10:13 PM
brandya said...: My heart goes out to both of you! I love this support group and I am so grateful we have found each other to lean on! I wish that I could make it "better" for everyone. I am a fixer and I hate seeing anyone hurting. We have a social worker helping us with an adoption and it has been up and down. I remember her calling us a few months ago and saying, you need to go get a crib and carseat and be ready. Baby will be coming soon. It was weeks and weeks before we heard from her again. She wouldn't return phone calls to us or another close family member. She said it was a false alarm. It is a hard, frustrating process, but know that you are in our prayers! If we can do anything, please let us know! You are such amazing people and you deserve the very best things to happen for you!; March 11, 2009 10:21 AM
Brady and Richelle said...: Keep your chin up, if ya'll need anything...I'm only down the road a couple miles :); March 12, 2009 7:13 AM
mandamike said...: Josh I appriciate your comments. It's really great that you are just as passionate about building your family through adoption as your lovely wife is. I enjoyed reading your thoughts - don't stop sharing them.
~Amanda (from the LDS adoptive parents yahoo group
P.S. My husband was the first son and wasn't a father first in his family either, you are not alone.; March 13, 2009 9:57 PM
Linda and Peter said...: My prayers go out to you and Savannah. I am married to the son of an only son and initially the pressure was on for us to have a boy...gotta carry on the family name you know...sigh. It's hard, very hard. The waiting is excruciating. I wish I had all the answers and all the right words to say and a way to take all the pain away but I can't. But please know that I pray every day for you, my husband and I, and all those who are waiting for their babies to find their way to them.; March 14, 2009 12:15 PM

Touch of Faith

2009-03-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

I have been looking for this picture for a few weeks now. A local store had a sale this weekend (40% off everything), so I went in and was determined to not leave without this picture. (I also bought some new books!)

Touch of Faith depicts a woman reaching through the crowd to touch the hem of Christ's garment. The story is told in Mark 5:25-34."And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse.
When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
And his disciples said unto him, Thous seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.
But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.
And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of they plague."

I used to think that I had that kind of faith. When we first started the fertility pills I just knew that if I could touch my Savior I would be healed and would be able to become a mother. I contemplated stocking church headquarters in hopes of catching a glimpse of our Prophet, knowing he too could give me the healing I thought my body needed.

I know now that wasn't meant to be. It doesn't make my faith any less, I've just had to refocus it elsewhere. I know that my Savior could heal us and make us parents, but He must be able to see something that I can't see and He knows when the time will be right for us to get a baby, for us to have a chance at being parents. While I was digging through my scriptures looking for this story I stumbled on a thought I wrote in there who knows how many years ago...

"Faith keeps us trying when otherwise we might give up."

At times I do want to give up. The waiting and uncertainty are so hard to deal with sometimes. Everyday I see people and I know I could be better parents than them. I would buckle my child up in the car, I would realize that if I am cold and need a coat than maybe they are cold too and I would not only put a coat on them but also their socks and shoes. I would make sure that they knew they were loved.

I get so restless thinking that maybe today our birth mother will find us. Maybe someday I will be a mother. Everyone in the adoption world talks about how it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but it's hard to wait on the unknown. I know someday my joy will be complete, but what am I supposed to do until then?

1st Parent Profile Contact

2009-03-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

We just received our 1st contact email from Parent Profiles. I can't decide how I feel about it. I want to get excited, but I can't seem to. I think it is partly because our last contact was through parent profiles, but it was over the phone. The excitement we felt was so good. I was going to be a mom. I had a baby girl due in a few months. Her story screamed scam, but I still had to hope. After realizing it was a scam I have been so down. It's hard to get excited when only con artist contact us.

Sometimes this adoption thing gets so hard. We've been married eight years. We only used birth control for like the first 18 months or 2 years. After that we have done nothing to stop a child from coming to our home. THAT'S SIX YEARS!

A great quote

2009-03-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

President Harold B. Lee, the 11th President of the Church, said: "[Women] who have been denied the blessings of motherhood in this life-who say in their heart, if I could have done, I would have done, or I would give if I had, but I cannot for I have not-the Lord will bless you as though you have done, and the world to come will compensate for those who desire in their hearts the righteous things that they were not able to do because of no fault of their own." ("Maintain Your Place As a Woman,"Engisn, Feb. 1972, 56.)

Roller Coaster Ride

2009-02-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a roller coaster ride for me lately. Up and down, back and forth. My head is spinning.

For starters, it had been 2 weeks since we heard from Dallon (he is serving an LDS Mission in South Africa). I was trying not to panic, but we miss him so much and we look forward to his emails every Monday. After we didn't get an email this week his mom emailed the mission president just to check up on him and see if maybe he had been transferred to a place with no email. The mission president wrote a beautiful letter back saying that Dallon was fine and that the Internet cafe had been having problems. Then a little later we finally received an email from Dallon. It was just nice to hear that he is still doing well. He comes home in like 8 months and I am so excited to see him again. I hope by then we will have a baby...

I have been emotional wreck the past week while a friend waited for the placement of their baby. My faith in mankind was down and I was having a hard time holding on to hope for her, but I have been reminded that there is power in prayer because on Tuesday they signed all the paperwork and soon as they get the clearance to travel back to the state they live in they get to take her home.

I had another friend in my support group who had an adoption placement even before they were completely approved. They were just waiting on their FBI background check (it's government so that's any one's guess!). It's kind of funny, because each time someone is this group gets a baby (whether through pregnancy or adoption) when they make the announcement they are so apologetic about it. I want to tell them it is a time to celebrate, don't down play it. But now I am starting to understand. It was easy to get excited for the first few, but each time some else gets a baby and we don't, it gets a little harder to handle. I am so happy for this person, but it's just hard to believe that it can happen for others so fast while we continue to wait.

This week, I went to a baby shower. I have a hard time going to those. They have a pool going where you could guess when the baby will be born and guess the weight, length, but I couldn't bring myself to fill the card out. What do I know about that kind of thing? I felt like Prissy in the Movie Gone With the Wind, "Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no' babies." Yes, I realize I could have wrote down something like my own info. from when I was born, but my heart just wasn't into it.

We set up an email just for birth mothers to contact us on. At one point I was checking it EVERY HOUR hoping to see something. The dozen emails we have gotten there have all been scams. I can't believe that the only people looking at our profiles are con artists. I have really tried to refrain from checking this email and now only check it two or three times a day.

This morning as I was driving to work Martina McBride's new song Ride came on the radio. It just may have to be my new theme song!

RIDE
You wake up from your dream and you don't want to face the day
And you can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride...

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride...
*I can't find this song yet to put in on my play list , the CD doesn't come out until next month. If you want to hear the song go to http://www.cmt.com/videos/martina-mcbride/334569/ride.jhtml

I am going to try to laugh next time I want to cry. We'll see how that goes. Right now all I seem to want to do is cry...

---------------

3 comments:

Malone and Brittany said...: I feel your pain. I'm so happy for our friends, but it just makes me wonder, "when is it going to be our turn?" I'm sure after things work out I'll be able to look back and see the perfection in God's plan for me. But until then, it's hard. Sometimes I just wonder what's so wrong with my plan? I think it's pretty good! :); February 26, 2009 9:16 PM
Teah said...: Savannah, Thank you for that song. I really needed it today. It was one of those days when I wanted to cry too.; February 26, 2009 9:42 PM
Meka said...: I am so sorry I made you feel that way. I remember the way I felt when my friends (who I had been married much longer then) started having kids. It hurt so much, I didn't want to make anyone feel that way. When couples adopt I think the adversary stays on them, he does not want children going into good loving homes. Don't let him tell you that this wont work, if you feel you are suppose to adopt then it will happen for you. Like I wrote before, everything will be worth it when you meet your baby. I know it sucks having to wait and just not knowing what will happen, how it will happen and WHEN! I will keep praying for you guys, you deserve this so much!; February 26, 2009 10:45 PM

Infertility Etiquette

2009-02-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

This article has been popping up lately on a few blogs I follow and also in my support group. It is so great that I had to share it. I keep seeing it in all these infertile places, but really it's an article that family & friends of infertile people need to read. I have inserted my own thoughts in a few places (they are italicized & a size smaller).

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

That is so true. Every month I would have a negative pregnancy tests it was like having my dream child die. But I had no where I could go to mourn that loss and it was something we had to suffer alone, because no one else understands.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Infertility is a MEDICAL CONDITION! You don't tell a cancer patient to relax! Infertility is not some mind game, it is a physical problem that NEEDS medical attention.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I remember my moment like that. My brother in-law told his sister she looked ready to pop and he was scolded for saying such a mean thing. I wanted to pull him aside and tell him if I ever became pregnant I hoped he would say such a thing to me.

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

I could go off here, but I did that a few weeks ago when someone told me I was still on my honeymoon after 8 years because I didn't have to face reality. If I'm not living in reality, than I need to find a happier dream world to live in!

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

I know for myself what I want most is to know that people are praying for us. Praying that we we will have a child placed with us. Praying that we will find the comfort we need through this time. Praying that we too can have a family someday.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Something Perfect

2009-02-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

There is a song by Michael McLean called "Something Perfect." I hope that some day soon we will be living this song.

There's an ache that's missing today.

There's an emptiness that's been filled.

There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away.

There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled.

There's a joy that's real.

There's a wound that's finally healed.

There's a future replacing a past.

There's breath of new life in the cast.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

No one knows, so no one can say

That tomorrow all will be well.

Will the brightest promise that shines on today

Shine tomorrow? No one can tell.

But one thing is sure

And will be forever more

When such unselfish love has been given.

The world just made more room for Heaven.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

Racing to Motherhood

2009-02-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

Just last night we were talking about the waiting and how it seems to go on and on (and on and on). Looking back I can say that I would have changed a few things. If our life could have continued on the happy road we were on, I don't think I would have sought medical help as soon as I did. From the time we married I always said I wanted to wait until I was 25 before we started trying. If we had stuck to that plan, I would have only started looking for medical help a year ago instead of 2 1/2 years ago. But sometimes life knocks you over a ledge and you find yourself grasping for any way you can to hang

We had a huge head start on a race that thought we would win. Life became confusing when the runners started to pass us and I couldn't see through the haze that their dust kicked up. But now that the dust has settle everything is clear again. When those runners get to the end of race they will be tired and will have missed out on much of the scenery. Sure, they get to be parents, but I wouldn't trade the time that Josh and I have had together.

The great thing with the race to parenthood is that we all can win the price, no matter what order we finish in. But I think I will take my time, enjoy the view, and share this fun journey with the man I love. I don't know if I can see the finish line yet, but I know it's there and I will continue to work my way towards it.

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3 comments:

Audra said...: Good for you on your positive attitude! I know how hard it is sometimes... in the 7 years we were trying there was NO bright side I could see- and now looking back I am finally able to see how things truly were working out for the best even though I didn't think so at the time. Audra (2ofus4now); February 12, 2009 1:31 PM
Brady and Richelle said...: this post made me all teary-eyed and if you weren't up front working right now, and i could get away from the phones--i'd give you a big hug :). you're going to be a great mother--i can't express that enough.........; February 12, 2009 3:51 PM
~Our Family~ said...: Savannah, You know me and you are a lot alike.. I have been where you are at, I know your feelings because mine were the same as they way you feel. You are not alone in your journey.. I have crossed many bridges and obstacles along our way to a family and had many heart breaks and not understanding why me, feeling sorry for myself, hating the ones that are pregnat and couldn't be around them and we were the first on my husbands side to get married and so we should have had the first grandchild but what I didn't realize is that it wasn't in my hands at all and someone was trying to tell me that it wasn't my time yet. I didn't understand that back then but I do now.. Maybe I wasn't ready to be a mom yet when I wanted.. Maybe Matt and I had to have a better relationship and to be childless for 8 years in our marriage first.. I don't really know the reasons but I'm thankful for the trials in my life it has made me stronger.. I hope and pray that you will be blessed soon with a child.. It is a life changing thing especially going from two to three but well worth it.. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk I'm here for you since I know your pain and I have been where you are now... I hope this makes sense and I haven't hurt your feelings.. I only want to help if I can... Love Cindy; February 12, 2009 4:58 PM

For now...we wait

2009-02-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was feeling unsettled a few weeks ago. We were looking into another adoption agency, but we have decided to not pursue it for now. It is expensive. It's upsetting to me that anyone can get pregnant and give birth for so much less than we are having to spend. Half of those people can't afford it to begin with it and a lot of those are not fit enough to be parents. I just want to be a mom; it's so unfair.
I know it sounds horrible, but apparently we have put a price on our child. But the whole point of adoption is to give a child a better life than what they would possibly have otherwise. We could get a loan for this money, but I just feel that would decrease our comfort of living. I would hate to not be able to afford diapers and formula because we were busy paying on a loan. I just can't bring myself to do that.
I wouldn't be so upset, but something was said today that hurt. Someone said that we clearly still live in the Honeymoon stage of marriage because we don't have to face reality. I know they meant the reality of having to care for kids, but it still rubbed me wrong.
I'm sorry, we live in reality just as much as anyone else. We have to pay bills. We get up everyday even though we don't want to because we have to go to work.
We also face the reality of a quite house each night because we don't have children yet. I don't work because I am bored. I work because right now we need both of our incomes so we can try to adopt and so my husband can go to school. I shouldn't have to defend myself, but I have felt like I needed to ever since that was said.
We don't live in the honeymoon stage by choice. I enjoy the time we've had together. If I could go back in time I don't know that I would do a whole lot different because I truly treasure what we have been able to share.
Reality to me is that life goes on no matter what. Reality is facing a new day each morning and coming to terms with your circumstances whether they are by choice or because of something that is out of our control.
*Please don't comment about how you know our time will come or how we just need to be patient; I really don't want to hear it right now...

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5 comments:

Meka said...: It's bad enough that we have to deal with the pain of being childless but that we have to deal with those dumb comments! I know people mean well usually but they still hurt! People always call us newlyweds because we don't have kids and we've been married longer then some of the people saying that to us! I feel like some people think just because I don't have kids it means I don't know anything about life or trials! Anyway sorry for going on I just know what you mean when it comes to those comments and I am sorry someone said that to you! I think from this trial I have definitely learned that when my friends have trials I don't understand to just validate their pain, just be a friend.; February 11, 2009 12:20 AM
Gail said...: I can't believe someone said that! So frustrating. I can't stand how people act like we have no clue what life is really like with children. When in all reality, we are probably way more prepared to have kids than they ever were. Have you read the R House blog recently? She put an awesome article up a few days ago called Infertility Etiquette. I think you would appreciate it very much.; February 11, 2009 8:53 AM
Elizabeth and Brian said...: What ticks me off a bit about the money is don't they even think about the fact that every dime we give them takes away from what we give the child?

People act like if you are childless you must me rolling in money. We still have to pay our mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, car payments, ect. Seriously, adding a baby would at the most increase our spending by $100 a month and that is it. People are idiots and speak with out thinking. Someone said something like that to me and I just said something like, "Yeah, it sure is fun to be able to have sex 3 times a day when ever we want, bet you miss that don't you?" Just remember that with a loan you will get a certain amount of that back on your taxes and will be able to pay it off that way.; February 11, 2009 8:12 PM
Lalena said...: I have lurked for awhile and enjoyed reading your journey and getting to know you through reading. As a fellow woman who has dealt with infertility I understand the desire to have a baby is great and something that only those who have been there can understand. The insensitive of some people is amazing! And the cost is horrendous. I'm curious if you have considered adopting a waiting child or a non-infant? These children are waiting for their forever family to and come with a smaller price tag. Just curious.; February 11, 2009 10:32 PM
FishinFamily said...: Hi! We don't know each other, I just happened to come across your sweet blog. I'm SO incredibly sorry that someone so insensitive said that to you. I hope and pray you find your little one soon. We found ours 4 years ago. I'm sorry for your pain, I've been there and know how awful it can be. In the mean time, I hope you find lots of people who will help 'protect' your heart rather than hurt it. I really do ache for you.
~Nikki; February 12, 2009 2:36 PM

How do you describe a good friend?

2009-02-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm talking about a really good friend who never judges you. Who cries with you when you cry? A friend who tries to hide their joy because they worry it will upset you? I wish I could find the right words because I have some friends that are just amazing. They never question me. They never complain when I start to go off about how unfair my life is. I have never met these people, but because we share something in common we are friends. Every time I feel down they are there at their keyboards typing out words of comfort to lift my spirits.

And I know it works both ways because when I can tell one of them is going through a tough time I try to do the same. Sometimes I don't know exactly what to say and all I may tell them is that I am sorry for what they are going through and I will pray for them. But when they tell me the exact same thing I feel better.

I thank Heaven EVERYDAY for these wonderful friends.